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Thread: Didn't make it to work today...

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    Default Didn't make it to work today...

    and I still can't let go of the guilt.

    I know that having a diagnosis means that this isn't in my head and that I have to listen to my body when it is screaming at me...So I called in sick but I hate not being able to "push through it"

    There is no real point to my venting, I understand that I am in much better shape than so many other posters here and I feel bad complaining...but this is one "safe" place (I hope) to vent these feelings.

    Yesterday I worked through the day and was hit with a severe headache on the way home. As a result, I had to lean on my husband to help with supper, taking care of our little guy, etc, etc, while I tried to be present physically but was really lying on the couch, just wanting the pain to stop.

    Last night I went to bed early, hoping that this headache would go away. Instead it woke me up hourly all night long and even the smallest household sound was extremely painful. I felt all night like there was a stake through my head. I got up (once finally asleep, when of course my toddler came in to wake me!), and showered and decided I would go to work. The stake had been replaced by something squishing my head in a vice grip...but I wasn't really able to stay upright for more than a couple of minutes. So I called in. They know my situation and my boss has an auto-immune problem so they are good about it...BUT the problem is me. I was raised to fulflll my responsibilities. I was taught to push through...which is exactly the opposite to the advice I have been given now. I want to listen to this message from my body but I feel guilty about missing work. How stupid is that!

    I want to know how to get passed that. I have been tired for weeks. I have had a pretty good week despite rashes, etc...but then this. I know logically that I need to slow down...but I want to be able to do it all.

    Also, I slept this morning and will again this afternoon. My meds have finally made the headache a dull ache so that's why I am online (restless!)....but I am afraid that when my son comes home, I am going to be useless again. I am lucky to have a husband who helps but I am afraid to keep leaning on him. I am afraid he will get sick of having to do it all himself. I try to help but sometimes feel very useless. He assures me I am not...blech...I hate this part of all of this.

    I just want to be an active participant in my own life again.

    Thanks for letting me vent.

    Bunny

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    I just want to clarify that I don't think anyone else should feel guilty for "not being able to push through it". Honestly, I would be first to tell all of you to take care of yourself first. Most workplaces handle an individuals' absence no problem and really in the end don't care a lick about you...at least not like your family. You, your life your family are what is important. My "problem" is that I can't allow myself the same treatment. Somehow I feel like I am failing. I need to do more, to be more. I want to learn to let that feeling go.

    I hope I haven't offended anyone with my rambling as that was absolutely not my intent.

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    UGGGS I hit the wrong button after having written a really long post and it is gone!

    Hi Bunny! First off you should NEVER feel guilty about posting what is going on with you. You are correct, we are all different and this disease hits us differently, that doesn't mean that one is worse than the other. Any form of this disease turns our lives upside down. It changes how we live our daily life and therefore it is hard to deal with. No guilt allowed!

    This is going to sound bad but I learned, not only from my experience but from others on this board : Take care of you because in the end the company only cares about the bottom line. I was like you and went in no matter how sick I was or, when I had to take off, I felt so guilty! I would think about all the things that I should be doing at the office and had such a strong loyalty to them. I guess somewhere I thought it ran both ways. When I became really ill and had to take leave, I learned differently. The loyalty is one sided and when I couldn't make them money things happened that completely shocked me.

    The reason for that long story is that I want you to take care of you. Worry about you, your family, your animals all of the things that really matter but don't don't worry about the job. Do your best but remember the loyalty most likely won't go both ways. Take a deep breath, lean back and get some rest. Leave the stress at the job because I can tell you that right now (other than a few friends) the big wigs are not sitting around worrying about you
    Mari

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

    ~Winston Churchill~







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    We have to take care of ourselves first so we will be there for the ones that depend on us, Take care of yourself and i hope you are feeling better soon. Bonita

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    Quote Originally Posted by tgal View Post
    The reason for that long story is that I want you to take care of you. Worry about you, your family, your animals all of the things that really matter but don't don't worry about the job. Do your best but remember the loyalty most likely won't go both ways. Take a deep breath, lean back and get some rest. Leave the stress at the job because I can tell you that right now (other than a few friends) the big wigs are not sitting around worrying about you
    You are so very right. I really thought I had learned the lesson once before that I was replaceable...we all are. I am feeling a bit better and now trying to look at it like because I was home today, I may have energy to spend some quality time with my son tonight, playing with him, not just watching.

    Thanks again for all of your support! I also wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have had so many hardships. You remain so supportive and helpful. I admire your strength.
    Last edited by bunny28; 03-09-2011 at 02:18 PM.

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    You could have ripped the words "I just want to be an active participant in my own life again...I can't allow myself the same treatment. Somehow I feel like I am failing. I need to do more, to be more" out of my mouth.

    It's easier to tell someone else not to feel guilty and that if you need time off, take time off - that's what it's for than it is to follow the advice of your own voice. You already know that you need to "listen to this message from (your) body" because you really need to "take care of yourself first...You, your life your family are what is important". I know you know that because I just copied and pasted your words back into this message.

    You have a lot of guilt about listening to this advice from yourself but I think you are right in "learn(ing) to let that feeling go". You are also right that "this is one safe place to vent these feelings... it's ok to lean on (your) husband to help with supper, taking care of (y)our little guy, etc, etc" at times like these. I'm pretty sure your vows said something to the effect of being there in sickness and health so this is just a part of the deal.

    (((HUGS))) I hope you feel better soon. Rest. Relax. Refresh your body.
    As long as this body works, I am going to enjoy life to the fullest for each second of every moment that I can.



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    Sandy - You brought me to tears. Thank you.

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    Why do people always thank me for making them cry on this site? LOL. Seriously though - they were your words. You already had the answers within you the whole time. (((hugs)))
    As long as this body works, I am going to enjoy life to the fullest for each second of every moment that I can.



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    Those were wonderful words, Sandy! You are just so kind
    Mari

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

    ~Winston Churchill~







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    I was reading your post Bunny28 and i thought of what an old doctor told me years ago. He diagnosed me with the "Superwoman syndrom". Called me the queen of multitaskers and advised me that one day it would take me down. But alas i am a caregiver. I feel obligated to counsel,caregive,pet,wait on and be of service to any that need me. I am Wife,Mother,Grandmother,nurse and friend. Now i am sick and know i must stop.. A friend told me the Bible says to "not sweat the small stuff" and i laughed. But then i got to thinking, it does say to not think about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. I know it's really hard to do, when your used to doing it all, But i'm trying to not sweat the small stuff and let some of these people pick up the slack here and there.. I hope you start feeling better and have a wonderful night with your family.

    Hugs
    Sheila

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