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Thread: I am lost.

  1. #71
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    Thank you everyone for taking the time to write to me....still looking for a new normal. They say I am in the acute phases of grief. The thick of it. Time. I feel like hiding every clock...because I have too much of it to think, but physically I have accomplished some things. Going through hell and high water...March on. I am.

    I am sorry for all your losses too...thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me....

    Lots of love....be well, keep well.
    Oluwa
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  2. #72
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    I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I have no words of wisdom for you and can't begin to imagine what you are feeling and going through but I hope that one day there will be a better tomorrow for you. Reaching out is a step in the right direction and hopefully with time it will get better.

    Just know we are all here for you and even if we can't help we can always listen.

    Much love.
    Tori

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    Oluwa (05-05-2011)

  4. #73
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    huge hugs oluwa

    think of you everyday i know your going thro the hardest bit but your going to get throu it step by step with us all behind you
    much love hugs from over the pond! xxxxxx

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    Oluwa (05-05-2011)

  6. #74
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    The calendar says over 7 months has passed but my heart says otherwise...almost like yesterday. A lot has changed for me physically..I had to move as the house we were renting was going into foreclosure... mentally sorting out Bolas death, the grief with logic, spiritually ..trying to mend my fragmented heart and still believing in God. My sorrow is still here. I am not stricken with the intensity of it as I have learned how to manage it...receive it with a different mindset. A person knows no such emotion until you lose someone that you are connected to. For me, when my Mom died...it was different. With Bola it is of such magnitude, it caused such destruction inside me that I say now I am under reconstruction.

    It has been a hard pivotal point in my life...I had to change everything, new home, new city, new accounts, new yard, shop for groceries different… my daily existence… not one thing I can think of that was not affected… ….new, new....new...new just means change. My mind goes literally goes blank. It is like walking into a pane of glass. I can see outward, but when I step forward I stop. Hard when a change is forced and there is nothing anyone can do about it except wait, try to receive it, interpret it…hard to roll with it when it is everything and anything has changed. I am adapting to a new house. It is not home, unless you have memories. I have to start new ones…new ones of those too..sigh.

    I brought Bola home to the family plot a month ago…I was looking for closure. The door is still opened.

    I went to where Bola’s accident took place; Monday….I was looking for closure. That door is still opened.

    I looked at the sheared tree and the one that stood still. My mind went back to the day it happened. Chinook Pass, mile marker 45.6 as I stood next to the tree that stopped his life that kept him from coming home. I went there to go find closure, but when I sat on the fallen down tree…right there in front of the shards from the bumper, our SC home house key...I realized it was him, literally Bola that I was looking for. I just wanted to curl up in the broken tree branches, in the leaves, in the dirt....the bits and pieces of our SUV...with the warm of the sun feeling it was him...my mind fought hard with my heart. Up, get up, Bola is not here...I wailed and sobbed playing back the accident from the reports over and over in my mind, life, death....as I tried to catch my breath and listen to my mind place calmness in my heart...I stood up and stood still. Laid the beautiful bouquet of roses, Gerber daisies and tulips…with a natural rock shaped and polished into a heart and a lock of my haired ribboned the bouquet. They too will become part of the earth….

    It was a long way back to the car…

    Thank you, thank you with deep love for all you have given me, Bola...not just while you were physically here, but all that you have given me since you have been away. Protecting my broken heart, ensuring I don't lose the pieces, lose my mind...all...all the ways you let me know you are with me...I know you are honey bunny...I hear you whisper, Sugar Plum....come here my little Sugar Plum. I love you, I love you....no adjective, adverb can describe how deeply. I just do. Muah, muah...muah ..all over, to every fracture, cut, lesion, wound, lips, eye, finger tips, palms, nose, knees....toes...eye brows....muah. I love you, Bola.

    Thank you everyone at WHL….I reread all the posts to me from you. Simply… with love, thank you every so much…Love, O.
    Last edited by Oluwa; 08-20-2011 at 09:13 PM.
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  7. #75
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    Hello Oluwa, I am reading this as I awakened at 12:30 at night and my heart hears your heart. I have never had anyone love me the way you were loved and the way you love. How precious that must be to your soul. I believe that will carry you through all the forced change.

    I have a glimpse of all the forced change as the Lupus took my farm, moved me, lost friends, family, new everything. My house is still not my home and all I love are far from me. But slowly I am falling in love with some beautiful people. I don't know how long I will stay here, as my job is relocating at a distance from my house. More change.

    I don't know you dear, but truly I hear you raw open heart and I pray it will heal and you will find more beautiful people in your new world. (((hugs)))

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    Oluwa (08-21-2011)

  9. #76
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    i still feel the loss of my sister, 5 years on.
    to have the life of someone you love, cut short is hard.

    if i stop and think of the actual event, it hurts beyond belief.
    so i think of the good times,what changes she has made i others.

    then i can smile. i know she has had a reaction, and an influence in some of the people around me.
    i can see her in them.

    look for the good things bola has left behind. remember him in these things.

    i think of you often, and of your love !

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    Oluwa (08-21-2011)

  11. #77
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    There is a song I sing, you made me think of it tonight.

    "we are many parts, we are all one body"
    Another line in the song is: "so your pain is my pain too"

    Reading what you wrote tonight, has given me a gift. I cried.
    I can't explain at the moment why I can't cry. This is not the time or place.
    I want to thank you for helping me, for giving me this gift from you and from Bola.

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    Oluwa (08-21-2011)

  13. #78
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    LovedbyHim...having a disease is indeed a forced change, an unwelcome change too... I am sorry for all you have lost...hugs.

    I am sorry you lost your sister, Steve....thank you for your empathy....hugs.

    Nonna.
    ..thank you for the beautiful words. In a caring way, I am happy my feeling, my emotions gave you a gift. Tears bring relief, tears creates an open door to let others in...emotions, in ..out. I am glad you are experiencing that...hugs,
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  14. #79
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    I thought how to describe what I feel inside. Some say a hole..some say a part is missing. For me....I feel a sense of being disconnected from someone you were connected to, in all aspects. Physically, emotionally..mind, heart and body and soul....I feel unplugged and yearn deeply for that connection. The connection, is knowing each other intimately, inside and out, to be your true self without regard to thinking about it. To be able to be dependent while being independent. Cry and laugh...happy and mad. Informal...formal. Who do you trust now to know your thoughts, your feeling about everything and anything..about your family, about you....I am disconnected. In space without my tether....

    I fear, saddened....my animals are approaching the end of their lives too. Riley Mildred started to have seizures while I went to Michigan to bring Bola home and Pookie Monster stopped eating. She seems to want to but can't. Trying to figure it out with the vet. He tells me she is old...me, I have to try something to ensure nothing has been over looked. Monday they will sedate her and have a look in her mouth. I feel helpless...while at the vet yesterday a man came out with his cat. I said, I hope all is well. He replied he is dying and the Dr said keep him comfortable. He walked out with a tube of nutrients...in hopes I think to prolong his inevitable death. I cried as he stood there paying for his visit. Will, I be like that I wonder...or can I speed up her death. Do I have that compassion in me..I shudder to think of that being posed to me. I don't think my fragmented heart can be broken into even smaller bits.
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  15. #80
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    Oh my what a mess to have to consider more loss of your beloved pets. Please know I just said a prayer for you. My heart is heavy as I listen to your words. If you lived near me I would pick you up to go for a long ride in nature and we would eat an icecream sundae. I would ask you to tell me all about your love of your life and I would hold you and let you cry rivers. Then we would plan a mini vacation or a bus trip, where we would binge on junk food and see all kinds of amazing things. I hope and pray you find new friends where you are, to love on you well. (((hugs)))

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