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Thread: I am lost.

  1. #241
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    Oh no, Oluwa. I am so sorry for your loss. Many hugs for you my friend.

    Debbie
    I may have been dealt a bad hand, but at least I'm still playing with a full deck. ( most of the time anyway).

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    Oluwa (12-14-2013)

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    Thank you everyone for your sympathy, empathy....my Daddy fought to the very end. Sometimes the body that houses our spirit is ready to go before our spirit. He is loved by many, many...over 300 came to his service to say their farewells.

    Grief is love and I will grieve for him forever. Thank you again for all your kindness and support.
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

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  5. #243
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    You are so right Oluwa...Our spirits know much more than our bodies do. It is wonderful that your Dad was so loved and respected. Please know that you are in my heart, as always.

    Peace and Blessings
    Namaste
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

  6. #244
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    Thank you, Carlotta. I am originally from a small city in Michigan, so my Daddy was well known. It was overwhelming being in grief and meeting cousins you remember from when you 8 years old. Literally I staggered about, dizzy, overwhelmed as I met them...after awhile I just said, "I see my Daddy's side of the family in your face, I think we are related..I am his 7th born, Marijo." My Daddy has 10 brothers and 1 sister, so that means lots and lots of cousins..and Lupus causing a stir I had to go outside to get fresh air many times. It is all a mental blur but the emotions are still enclosed in my body because it is so hard to let them in, out as I fear to feel what I felt like when Bola died. So, my heart is so encased it is literally busting to crack again. It hurts.

    My Daddy was Catholic so the service was a traditional one...literally an all day event. Immediate family viewing, friends and family wake, church service, burial precession, burial service and fellowship.

    My Daddy had been on dialysis for 3 years but he succumbed to a heart attack. He had many while on dialysis and lived on nitroglycerin pills and patches...then morphine. It was in a sense expected but you always, always hang onto hope. Hope is what keeps us moving, living. Hopes for a better tomorrow.

    To get to my Daddy's home down you have to take a puddle jumper. The airport would not let us land in the U.P. as they were having a snow storm and could not clear the runway fast enough for us to land so, we had to head back to Detroit. But before going to Detroit we had to make an emergency landing in Saginaw because we were running out of fuel. Finally in Detroit...we spent the night and to try it again tomorrow but I changed our tickets to land in another city up there. We made it... Rented a car and drove 90 minutes.

    I can't believe my Daddy is gone...much of the time I can't believe Bola, Riley and Pookie are gone too. I miss them all so, so much that I feel like I live in a haze. I love my Jack, he is my saving grace. Without him, Amanda or even my Dad when Bola died..I think I would not be here. He makes me smile and laugh...and feel love in my home.

    Be well...Hugs with love...Me.
    Last edited by Oluwa; 12-31-2013 at 01:04 AM.

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  8. #245
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    I am not managing my emotions very well. I am never up long enough to just breathe..I am able to just get a gulp of air when I surface and I bubble back down until my toes touch the ocean floor.

    I don't recall if I wrote it here, my sibling, my sister, my goto girl, my friend who was 61 died of a heart attack on December 16, 2014. How do you digest, cope with 6 losses in a short period of time? Someone please tell me? Then you throw Lupus and it's cronies on top and you have a big mess, called Oluwa.

    I am angry.
    I am tired of death all around me.
    I am tired of missing.
    I am tired of my heart aching.
    I am tired of being alone.
    I am..I am..I am just tired.

    Times, more often than not lately I don't want to stay. The part of me that really wants to stay says that. My cry. So, I stay.
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  9. #246
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    Sweet Oluwa;
    I know that you have been dealing with emotions lately and that it has been difficult to acknowledge the sun, much less stay above the surface long enough to see it. You have suffered greatly my friend and yes, they have been back-to-back losses. I do not know how one lives with these losses and so I have no relevant suggestions. I can only be here for you, let you know that YOU ARE IMPORTANT to me and to so many others.
    As we spoke of before, the "WHY" is never revealed to us and after a while, we begin to think that we are being punished for something. It is impossible to understand how these things occur around us and again we cry "WHY????"
    I don't know where, when, or if we will ever know the answer. Nor are we given any directions on how we are supposed to continue on..we are just left here..dealing with the pain, the grief, and the loneliness. And, having to live with the ugliness of "IT" at the same time!! Of course it is unbearable!! Of course you question the reasons for staying!!
    I have no answers for you my dearest friend. I can only offer you understanding, compassion, love, and friendship and the knowledge that I am always here for you and that you are very important to me!
    Sending you, as always, warm hugs filled with love Oluwa

    Peace and Blessings
    Namaste
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

  10. #247
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    Susie said it so well, just know you are not alone. We are here, we need you, you are important to us.

    Hugs, Love,Good Thoughts and prayers
    Toni

  11. #248
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    Thank you, Carlotta for always talking (writing) to me. Helps me to re-evaluate and reflect. I know only I have the answers for me, within me..I forget it when I feel so overwhelmed.

    Thank you too Toni....

    Hugs to you two.

    I miss my sister so much. We chatted up almost every night..she was a night owl and made me into one too..Hoot..hoot. Times she would say do you realized we talked for 4 hours, 3 hours...we always talked about life. Not surface things, well we did that to too but mostly about God, souls, religion, psychology, medicine, medical terminology, looking for meaning....she was a RN.

    Without her in my life, it feels so empty and I wonder how can one can be any emptier than when it felt like I was completely depleted before. I realize I wasn't because if I was so depleted meant I only had love for those who had died already. I love her and I realize you will never be depleted as long as you love. And to be in the moment and to really, really feel the love of those who you are with today too. You know you love them, you tell them you love them when you meet, when you say so long..I don't know how to explain it...except don't take the mountains, the sunny days, your wealth..anything for granted. Know , really know it is there.

    Well, I decided to stop working. It was suppose to help me move forward. In a sense it did help regarding my confidence that took the back seat when Bola died. But then too when my sister died, it all resurfaced and I was on the headrest of the seat..teetering. I will give them my two weeks notice on my next work day, Sunday and my last day will be March 21st. What life I had created prior to working disappeared, so I wasn't really gaining anything in socializing, meeting new people because those who felt like we would become friends had a different schedule than mine...so it was just chatter at the time clock or if we worked side by side...which was rarely.

    Now with departing the workforce maybe the two women I enjoyed laughing with, we can do something on their days off....and my loneliness will become more bearable on those shadowy days and night and I won't be spending my time off nursing cousin IT. I dislike babying my carcass.

    I am doing alright today....and today is what matters. One 24 hours at a time.

    Good night....Love, Me.
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  12. #249
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    OOOH Oluwa;
    Your description of your grief and how you miss your sister could have been written about me and Lauri. Your relationship with her was a beautiful one, a connection not shared by many and only hoped for by most. I can feel how much you loved her in your description of your relationship with her.
    You are so right about acknowledging your love NOW, appreciating the life that you've been given, and never taking any moment or any person for granted. Unfortunately, that is a lesson that is very hard learned and most of us don't learn it until we've suffered a devastating loss. But, I am of the opinion that when the lesson is learned is not nearly as important as learning it and living by it. I have decided that I will never again let something important go unspoken. The receiver has the option to accept it or reject it, but I will never again live with the regret of not saying it. The same thing applies to appreciating and being thankful for every moment that I am given and for the beauty that surrounds me.
    I often find myself getting short tempered because my hubby leaves crumbs on the counter, leaves the toilet seat up, won't put the coffee maker away, pulls my laundry out of the dryer and piles it on the folding table in order to dry his laundry (when I always fold his clothes when I take them out of the dryer), leaves the bread open, drips coffee on the floor, etc. etc. etc. I'm upset about trivial things and then it hits me....how upset would you be about these things if this man were no longer here??? This man, whom you know would die for you, could be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Then, how important would all of this stupid stuff be? It would mean absolutely nothing and I would give my life to once again have every aggravating moment back just to have him here!!
    So, we learn how to put our life in perspective; how to determine just what is and is not important and value those things that are important. It is a process, as you've now come to see. Your process told you to go to work to help you move on, work did what it needed to do and so you grew emotionally. Now you know that this is no longer what you need in your process. I am so glad to hear that you listen to your heart, cater to your emotions, and keep doing what it is that you need to do to heal you. That is, to me, significant growth. That does not mean that it is easy, but it is significant and I applaud you.
    As always, I am here for you and I do love you dearly! Here is another one of my cyber {{{{{hugs}}}}} because I love you so much!!!

    Always
    Saysusie
    Last edited by Saysusie; 03-08-2015 at 08:16 AM.
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

  13. #250
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    Thank you, Saysusie...tight hugs for you too.

    As I hit a fork in the road I choose..or times I create one and make my turn. Ona move..that is what it is all about. I have alot to grow within, my new found fears from the past few years. I know fear only exists in a fearless me. I know it but I don't feel it. When I feel it..I will have grown some more.

    What I meant by granted I mean like an emotion. Like feel the joy, the love in the presence of one another always. Be engaged. Be present. Be apart of every relationship. It is not so much the quirks but for each person to be present..am I talking like a sausage?...LOL.

    Hugs and Love..Me and Jack.
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

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