Page 21 of 25 FirstFirst ... 111920212223 ... LastLast
Results 201 to 210 of 244

Thread: I am lost.

  1. #201
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seaside, Ca.
    Posts
    3,871
    Thanks
    196
    Thanked 948 Times in 732 Posts

    Default

    Oluwa,
    My heart always aches for you when I read the beautiful things that you write. I'm glad that you are beginning to feel that you are able to move on with your life now. One step at a time!

    Rob,
    I was thinking about you on Father's Day. I know that it must have felt like an empty day for you. You know that the best tribute to your Dad is to get out there and finish that car restoration. Eventually you will take ownership of it.

    You know, sometimes I feel a little bit jealous of the sweet memories that others have of their Mothers and Fathers. My Mother was so insane and abusive, I felt nothing but relief at her passing. I didn't know my Father that well, so his passing didn't seem like it was more than an acquaintance or a distant relative passing. Hold on to those sweet memories of parents - I wish that I had some.
    Hugs,
    Marla

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to magistramarla For This Useful Post:

    Oluwa (06-22-2012)

  3. #202
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seattle, Washington, USA
    Posts
    2,998
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 146 Times in 77 Posts

    Default

    God..hello. I am not doing very well today. I miss Bola. I saw a Jack Russel today being walked by a little boy and I watched them until they disappeared around the corner. I felt a calm, familarity..my Riley. I wish my family could come home..

  4. #203
    Saysusie's Avatar
    Saysusie is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the Universe
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Victorville, California
    Posts
    7,708
    Blog Entries
    9
    Thanks
    1,572
    Thanked 918 Times in 581 Posts

    Default

    I've been lurking about here, reading Oluwa's posts and all of the very sweet responses from everyone. I felt a tug on my heart for Rob on Father's Day and fell to my knees in our hotel. My heart also made a millisecond stop on the anniversary of Oluwa's loss, again I fell to my knees.
    How do we explain the emptiness that we feel after losing someone so important to us and so loved by us? Words just seem to be a deficiency, not able to carry the true intent of our hearts.
    Oluwa; I continue to keep you in my heart and in my prayers and I know how we cherish all that is left in our care that once belonged to the one we've lost. It has been 13 years, and Lauri's room just got cleaned out and redecorated this year!
    Rob; I say a soft prayer for you every morning as I start my day. I honor the man that you are who is a direct result of the man that your father was.

    My prayers go out to both of you, that you are able to find strength and comfort each and every day.

    Peace and Blessings
    Namaste
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Saysusie For This Useful Post:

    Oluwa (06-26-2012), steve.b (06-27-2012)

  6. #204
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seattle, Washington, USA
    Posts
    2,998
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 146 Times in 77 Posts

    Default

    Thank you, Marla and Saysusie...

    Words are deficient to explain a loss..it is like forcing a square into a circle. We try...but nothing fills the space, the emptiness exactly.

    I can imagine how hard it was to redecorate Laurie's room. Now the room can be thought of as a gift to you from her. Tight hugs.

    I filled a photo album of Bola's and my life together and mailed it across the pond to his sister to take to his Father. I gave so much of my heart, feelings, letters, cards, photos, poems while grieving myself to them from me. Though I am sure they are grateful it would have been nice to know with verbal words or a letter. This mailing is my last to them. I am not fretting anymore. I did my best. When Bola and I married, we took vows... his life became entrusted to me, to protect, honor while living and in passing...I hope in his family's eyes they know I did. In reality to them I do not think it was enough..I think a card filled with money to them may have been better...sigh. I am letting go...fly, fly...I leave it to above to carry this sadness I felt about this...Good bye.

    I learn. I grow.

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Oluwa For This Useful Post:

    Saysusie (08-24-2012)

  8. #205
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seattle, Washington, USA
    Posts
    2,998
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 146 Times in 77 Posts

    Default

    Waiting at the Door by Alison Mary Dunn

    I canít explain so deep inside
    The very fabric of my soul
    Only a heart that grieves such loss
    Can ever truly understand

    Itís like youíre waiting at the door
    Until a loved one comes back home
    You feel a longing in your heart
    When they appear the longing stops

    But in a loss that never ends
    Youíre always standing at that door
    You feel the longing in the breeze
    So incomplete and never filled

    I cannot find the words to say
    Just what itís like to want forever
    Never seeing them again
    Just always waiting at the door.


    I know...emotionally and physically I waited at the the door.. in my heart I feel like I still am.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Oluwa For This Useful Post:

    Saysusie (08-24-2012)

  10. #206
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seattle, Washington, USA
    Posts
    2,998
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 146 Times in 77 Posts

    Default

    I see your sweet smile
    Shine through the darkness
    its line is etched in my memory
    So I'd know you by heart.
    The joy you gave me lives on and on
    'Cause I know you by heart
    I still hear your voice
    On warm summer nights
    Whispering like the wind.
    I see your sweet smile
    I hear your laughter
    You're still here beside me every day
    'Cause I know you by heart.

    The pain has lessened, but the sadness deepens.. I miss you.

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to Oluwa For This Useful Post:

    Saysusie (08-24-2012)

  12. #207
    Saysusie's Avatar
    Saysusie is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the Universe
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Victorville, California
    Posts
    7,708
    Blog Entries
    9
    Thanks
    1,572
    Thanked 918 Times in 581 Posts

    Default

    Sweet Oluwa;
    I am going to pass on to you some words of wisdom that my sweet Lauri gave to me:

    "Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do because God speaks to you through your heart. It does not matter how others recognize or respond to what you have done, you know that you followed your heart and therefore you did what was right. GOD recognizes what you have done and HE loves you because of it. That is all the acknowledgment and thanks that you truly need"

    Those who truly love you and know how special you are honor what you have done for Bola and for his family.

    Sending you tight, warm hugs

    Peace and Blessings
    Namaste
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to Saysusie For This Useful Post:

    Oluwa (09-09-2012)

  14. #208
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seattle, Washington, USA
    Posts
    2,998
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 146 Times in 77 Posts

    Default

    Thank you, Saysusie. I think that way too, listen to my heart ..give with it. I think I was really looking for empathy, love from them. I went from a loved, favorite in law..daughter, sister to being just a person who once was married to their son, brother. I feel confused as to what emotion was/is real to them. Now my heart says no more and I am okay with that.

    My heart pain from missing, longing for Bola has lessened..but a deep sadness fills me. I feel the need to be isolated, alone...but I do push through it and participate in life. Yesterday spent the day with my sister and her son. Movies. The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Last weekend spent it near the Cascade Mountains with my girlfriend. Fished, hike a bit. The ocean is calling my name. Maybe I will book a few days on our coast during the winter stormy shore months...

    Jack still has me loving and laughing outloud. I am glad I met him and he wanted to come home with me. He is 9 months but he is going through something a two year old baby would have..The Terrible Twos. Closet, pantry. If he can reach it, it is coming down. Hung sweaters littered my closet floor...shoes all piled in the middle of the master bath floor. Garbage from the bathroom waste cans..gnawed a strewn about the upstairs. I say, 'you, you.. animal you.' He never believes that I am mad..he can feel my emotion behind my scold..Laughter.

    All will be well...tight hugs to you too. I hope you are keeping well too. Muah.

  15. The Following User Says Thank You to Oluwa For This Useful Post:

    Saysusie (10-31-2012)

  16. #209
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seaside, Ca.
    Posts
    3,871
    Thanks
    196
    Thanked 948 Times in 732 Posts

    Default

    Hi Oluwa,
    I am so glad that you are getting out and getting involved with life again - you go, girl!
    I know what you mean about the ocean. I live next to it, and there is nothing more calming than to sit watching the waves and the sailboats out on the bay.
    Our fur babies can always bring us joy, can't they? I'm so glad that you have Jack.
    Hugs,
    Marla

  17. The Following User Says Thank You to magistramarla For This Useful Post:

    Oluwa (09-11-2012)

  18. #210
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seattle, Washington, USA
    Posts
    2,998
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 146 Times in 77 Posts

    Default

    I did go to Ocean Shores. simply beautiful even during the raging in a instance storms. I gave some of Bola back to the world on the coast. Now he is forever apart of the physical universe.

    Going on two years. I know it seems like a long time to a person working, to a person going to school, to a person without a vacation....but to me the almost two years feels like a month....sigh.

    I keep trying. I don't think there is such a thing as 'home' anymore. It is like amnesia. No one to back up my stories as I tell them. Bola, my love, my sweetheart..I am lonely without you. Still lost. I tried to force a fork in the path and all it has done is made me yearn for you all the more. Flashing to the earlier days of that fatal night. Bola...forever young as I grow old.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •