My heart always aches for you when I read the beautiful things that you write. I'm glad that you are beginning to feel that you are able to move on with your life now. One step at a time!
I was thinking about you on Father's Day. I know that it must have felt like an empty day for you. You know that the best tribute to your Dad is to get out there and finish that car restoration. Eventually you will take ownership of it.
You know, sometimes I feel a little bit jealous of the sweet memories that others have of their Mothers and Fathers. My Mother was so insane and abusive, I felt nothing but relief at her passing. I didn't know my Father that well, so his passing didn't seem like it was more than an acquaintance or a distant relative passing. Hold on to those sweet memories of parents - I wish that I had some.
God..hello. I am not doing very well today. I miss Bola. I saw a Jack Russel today being walked by a little boy and I watched them until they disappeared around the corner. I felt a calm, familarity..my Riley. I wish my family could come home..
I've been lurking about here, reading Oluwa's posts and all of the very sweet responses from everyone. I felt a tug on my heart for Rob on Father's Day and fell to my knees in our hotel. My heart also made a millisecond stop on the anniversary of Oluwa's loss, again I fell to my knees.
How do we explain the emptiness that we feel after losing someone so important to us and so loved by us? Words just seem to be a deficiency, not able to carry the true intent of our hearts.
Oluwa; I continue to keep you in my heart and in my prayers and I know how we cherish all that is left in our care that once belonged to the one we've lost. It has been 13 years, and Lauri's room just got cleaned out and redecorated this year!
Rob; I say a soft prayer for you every morning as I start my day. I honor the man that you are who is a direct result of the man that your father was.
My prayers go out to both of you, that you are able to find strength and comfort each and every day.
Peace and Blessings
Look For The Good and Praise It!
Thank you, Marla and Saysusie...
Words are deficient to explain a loss..it is like forcing a square into a circle. We try...but nothing fills the space, the emptiness exactly.
I can imagine how hard it was to redecorate Laurie's room. Now the room can be thought of as a gift to you from her. Tight hugs.
I filled a photo album of Bola's and my life together and mailed it across the pond to his sister to take to his Father. I gave so much of my heart, feelings, letters, cards, photos, poems while grieving myself to them from me. Though I am sure they are grateful it would have been nice to know with verbal words or a letter. This mailing is my last to them. I am not fretting anymore. I did my best. When Bola and I married, we took vows... his life became entrusted to me, to protect, honor while living and in passing...I hope in his family's eyes they know I did. In reality to them I do not think it was enough..I think a card filled with money to them may have been better...sigh. I am letting go...fly, fly...I leave it to above to carry this sadness I felt about this...Good bye.
I learn. I grow.
Waiting at the Door by Alison Mary Dunn
I canít explain so deep inside
The very fabric of my soul
Only a heart that grieves such loss
Can ever truly understand
Itís like youíre waiting at the door
Until a loved one comes back home
You feel a longing in your heart
When they appear the longing stops
But in a loss that never ends
Youíre always standing at that door
You feel the longing in the breeze
So incomplete and never filled
I cannot find the words to say
Just what itís like to want forever
Never seeing them again
Just always waiting at the door.
I know...emotionally and physically I waited at the the door.. in my heart I feel like I still am.
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
its line is etched in my memory
So I'd know you by heart.
The joy you gave me lives on and on
'Cause I know you by heart
I still hear your voice
On warm summer nights
Whispering like the wind.
I see your sweet smile
I hear your laughter
You're still here beside me every day
'Cause I know you by heart.
The pain has lessened, but the sadness deepens.. I miss you.
I am going to pass on to you some words of wisdom that my sweet Lauri gave to me:
"Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do because God speaks to you through your heart. It does not matter how others recognize or respond to what you have done, you know that you followed your heart and therefore you did what was right. GOD recognizes what you have done and HE loves you because of it. That is all the acknowledgment and thanks that you truly need"
Those who truly love you and know how special you are honor what you have done for Bola and for his family.
Sending you tight, warm hugs
Peace and Blessings
Look For The Good and Praise It!
Thank you, Saysusie. I think that way too, listen to my heart ..give with it. I think I was really looking for empathy, love from them. I went from a loved, favorite in law..daughter, sister to being just a person who once was married to their son, brother. I feel confused as to what emotion was/is real to them. Now my heart says no more and I am okay with that.
My heart pain from missing, longing for Bola has lessened..but a deep sadness fills me. I feel the need to be isolated, alone...but I do push through it and participate in life. Yesterday spent the day with my sister and her son. Movies. The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Last weekend spent it near the Cascade Mountains with my girlfriend. Fished, hike a bit. The ocean is calling my name. Maybe I will book a few days on our coast during the winter stormy shore months...
Jack still has me loving and laughing outloud. I am glad I met him and he wanted to come home with me. He is 9 months but he is going through something a two year old baby would have..The Terrible Twos. Closet, pantry. If he can reach it, it is coming down. Hung sweaters littered my closet floor...shoes all piled in the middle of the master bath floor. Garbage from the bathroom waste cans..gnawed a strewn about the upstairs. I say, 'you, you.. animal you.' He never believes that I am mad..he can feel my emotion behind my scold..Laughter.
All will be well...tight hugs to you too. I hope you are keeping well too. Muah.
I am so glad that you are getting out and getting involved with life again - you go, girl!
I know what you mean about the ocean. I live next to it, and there is nothing more calming than to sit watching the waves and the sailboats out on the bay.
Our fur babies can always bring us joy, can't they? I'm so glad that you have Jack.
I did go to Ocean Shores. simply beautiful even during the raging in a instance storms. I gave some of Bola back to the world on the coast. Now he is forever apart of the physical universe.
Going on two years. I know it seems like a long time to a person working, to a person going to school, to a person without a vacation....but to me the almost two years feels like a month....sigh.
I keep trying. I don't think there is such a thing as 'home' anymore. It is like amnesia. No one to back up my stories as I tell them. Bola, my love, my sweetheart..I am lonely without you. Still lost. I tried to force a fork in the path and all it has done is made me yearn for you all the more. Flashing to the earlier days of that fatal night. Bola...forever young as I grow old.