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Thread: I am lost.

  1. #191
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    I am wandering about trying to find the bread crumbs home...sigh.

  2. #192
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    You've found 'em. Your cyber family is right here.
    Hugs,
    Marla

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    Oluwa (06-10-2012)

  4. #193
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAyKJAtDNCw
    You are not alone
    I am here with you
    Though you're far away
    I am here to stay

    You are not alone
    I am here with you
    Though we're far apart
    You're always in my heart

  5. #194
    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Oluwa,

    Despite the fact that you have been so lost, you have done so much for so many. You have done so much for me.

    If two people who are lost put their heads together and start to find their way, then maybe we aren't as lost as we used to be.

    Maybe that's progress.

    Rob
    Last edited by rob; 06-11-2012 at 07:40 PM.

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    Saysusie (06-26-2012)

  7. #195
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    Rob..the blind leading the blind. Arm in arm... I'll feel outward with my hand and you use your feet to look for the curb and hang on. Keeping our ears keened up.. listen to the world beating. Birds, the wind, the water...it is all good...all of it. When we are happy, the birds chirps are lovely songs, the colors...of the sky, so blue...grass so green becomes so vivid. I have a few of those days. I anxiously wait for many more. They are there, as they were before...waiting for us...all of us in grief, in illness..in pain..

    Today was a better day..how about you? For me, if I keep busy with something to look forward to and not just busy for the sake of it..it makes the future seem more optimistic. Simple as looking for a new SUV (mine was in the accident) and perhaps a Nook or Kindle to read. My library of books about my bed could make a night stand in itself...looking for answers. The answers are really in us. Books are to bring it out..

    Good night, Rob...sleep well...hugs.

  8. #196
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    I washed, polished, nourished the inside of Bola's car last week. With each wet cloth swipe I thought no more finger prints, no more DNA, no more sweat from his hands. His elbow spot on the leather console..gone. I wanted to keep it as was, I wanted to leave it in the garage...but in reality it will just rot, decompose...from not being used. I had decided either give it to my nephew, if he wants to fly out and drive it back to the midwest or sell it. My nephew did not want to drive or fly.


    It makes me feel settle, calm, something familiar when I looked at it parked, false hope he was home but when I drive it dread fills me..I feel despair.


    Crossroads. It was inevitable I need to do something with it. I feel selfish when I say I missed my SUV. I fell ashamed that thought flickers through my head for the nano second it does. When Bola died I went into autopilot. Mind protecting it self from becoming nonfunctional...autopilot but no steering wheel just the conscious guiding your body through this mess while your heart and emotions take the back seat. Now my heart no longer needs protecting. I have to live and make decisions. I can't hide from the things I need to to do for me to move forward in my life.

    I finally bought a new car that fits my body ailments. It is just a car, but it did fill me up somewhat with familiarity of what once, my old SUV... but it is now mine and I will drive myself through life with a new vehicle. No fright while behind the steering wheels of Bola...no sadness as to once was. No more physical pain for the structure of his car on my carcass, my spine. How we get attached to things. How we love someone so we want to keep everything of theirs. The car was a huge feat, not because of its size but because it was a place Bola and I shared part of life as our house was sold just before he passed.

    Moving forward...a bedroom full boxes... of clothes, toiletries... his life on paper..now to me this is the next biggest emotional feat.

    I still long for Bola to come home, yearning for his hug, the trust...this will be the hugest beyond my imagination, beyond what my heart can comprehend right now that he is never coming home again. Being unable to imagine that is what keeps me safe...

    I love you Bola, Pookie and Riley..my family.

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    Saysusie (06-26-2012)

  10. #197
    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Oluwa,

    I know what you mean. I have a very hard time going out to the garage. That's where Dad and I spent the most time together. The car restoration we were working on when he got sick still had his tools laid out on the fender. His worklight was still hanging under the open hood, and his reading glasses were on the dashboard. I didn't want to move any of it. Some days I'm able to work in the garage for a short time, but it's very hard to be in there. It's so empty out there.

    I had another one of those "firsts" yesterday. It was the first father's day without him. I actually picked up the phone and started dialing his number to wish him a happy father's day. I stopped dialing, and then the reality of it all hit once again. There will be no more father's days. I no longer have a father. He's gone, and he's never coming back. I still can't comprehend the finality of it all.

    Yesterday was a bad day.

    Rob

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  12. #198
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    Rob,

    I am so sorry for being unknowingly insensitive with it being Father's Day...your first. Tight hugs. We still of our parents, I of my Mom....you of your Dad. The holidays representing mothers and fathers takes on different meaning for us. For me, it is a day to plant my Mom's favorite..deep purple petunias...this year they were late coming to the nurseries here...cold.

    In life we are really not taught of death, how to live with it...most of us are taught how to avoid suffering, be stoic..only to prolong the inevitable pain with those who pass before us. Life here is finite but the spirit, the soul I believe is infinite. Even though I believe this I still, like you can not accept the finality of Bola's life here. It is hard for my mind, spirit to accept this...maybe we just get use to the pain..I wish I knew. I think with my Mom..I miss her, I love her...times I cry wanting her here to fill me with our daughter and mother relationship..so I don't know..did I learn to live with her being gone, do I accept I will see her again...or did it she just become like a book unread, unfinished to my mind...

    I hope, Rob you found a bit more peace within your heart today. I know it is hard..I am sorry...tight hugs.

  13. #199
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    Debbie, Toni, Amanda, Marla, SweetNovember, theLword, Kim...thank you for your words of kindness. Tight hugs..

  14. #200
    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Oluwa,

    You're not insensitive at all. In fact, you are quite the opposite. Please don't worry.

    Your words always help.

    Rob
    Last edited by rob; 06-18-2012 at 09:49 PM.

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