First of all, I am glad to see you here.
Like most others, I find it difficult to find the right words of encouragement.
I am so sorry, that you feel lost, but I can certainly understand that you are. I know I would be.
I think coming here to WHL will help a little, to steer your thoughts into a different direction for just a little while.
Let me know, if there is anything I can do.
I may have been dealt a bad hand, but at least I'm still playing with a full deck. ( most of the time anyway).
You have all of us if you need us. I'm glad you have a sedative and you are definitely being proactive in trying to help yourself and that's a major thing to be proud of. That means you're stronger than you think. One thing I do and have done since I was 12 is to thank God for 3 things each day. Some days it's hard to find those three things but it really does help me refocus. Just a thought. Please take good care and God bless.
Oluwa, I'm thinking of, and praying for you.
"There but for the grace of God, go I."
"... His mercy endureth for ever."
I would love to thank each of you personally, for taking the time to share yourself with me. I hope this note will show how much it means to read each of you. Really, it means so much....I know at WHL there is always an abundance of love, kindness and true caring. Though I write so little now, know I think of you all often...I just felt I had nothing to say, nor could I help anyone anymore. I had no answers. I missed you all along , ya know...OX
Life is really hard for me now, can you believe even Lupus took a back seat. I asked God, please I can't endure both. He heard. He answered. I am thankful for that. Today my DR prescribed anti-depressants and upped my dose for Xanax. One would think I would be looped, but my anxiety sucks it right up so that I can be normal and function.
I always thought my husband was so dependent on me, as I ran the house, decision maker...and not that I wanted to have the steering wheel..it fell onto me because he traveled. I now realize I was so depended on him....though like 'men', we complain they don't hear us....he was my best friend, I told him everything whether he heard me or not through his filters. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me on a personal level....two days before he died he went to the store to get a thermometer at 10:45Pm, the stored closed in 15 minutes. He worried I had a fever and thought I should go to the ER. I said if it was 103 I would. It was 102.6. He checked on me, every have half hour, finally the fever broke at 4:30AM.
I never wanted for anything because of Bola...
My last moment with Bola....
He left our home early that morning. I laid in bed while he leaned over gave me a kiss..I said "Love you, have fun and be safe"..Love you too, he said....he came back in and said I forgot my glasses on the night stand. I saw his beautiful smile in front of my face as he leaned...that was at 7:04AM by 8:25AM he was gone....He just went to enjoy his last day of vacation to snow ski....No one had told me he was killed. I waited..noon came and left and wondered..he usually calls me when he gets his lunch after his mornings runs. I surmised he and his friends are really enjoying the runs....4PM..nothing. I called his cell periodically...wondering no cell connection perhaps. I called my brother, do you think something happened to Bola. He suggested I call 911. I wanted to call 911 and ask of any accidents, but was afraid of what they would say... Instead I googled our state trooper's website at 7:30PM...and there it was, the report and it ended with next of kin not notified....my life has changed forever...
I had a service for him, his family from London flew in..part of them, so they could be with him, see him for closure.... After the service, I asked for him to be cremated. I will bring him home to Michigan for a proper burial graveside service...in our family plot.
I don't know if anyone knows but my last Auntie died 4 days later after Bola....he loved her, they loved each other and I envisioned him welcoming her to heaven, with his hand reaching for her. My grieving is different for her...I feel she is home with her Mom, Dad, my mom and her other sisters and brothers...she waited a long time....as she was almost 90.
Maybe soon I will find that sweet sadness for Bola as I have for her...in my own time..
Thank you for reading me.
Love and hugs,
I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.
He sounds like a wonderful man, your Bola.
Sorry that your dear Auntie passed so soon after Bola..
I am happy that you saw your doctor for medications. Sometimes it"s what's needed to get through the difficult times.
Oluwa, You are in my thought's and prayer's!
Big Hug's to you!!!!!! ~ Diane ~
~Where Hope Grow's, Miracle's Blossom~
(CNS) Vasculitis, Lupus, Neuro-Behcet's, Raynaud's, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes, Earley M.S., Buerger's Syndrome.
Oluwa - hugs
i didn't relise how simular our stories are my dad had been in afgan two years helpnig the troops came back home six months before his death! i had only spoke to him a frew days before confriming his flight details to come to england to see us in two weeks and his last words were love you! on the day of his death he diverted on his way home to get fried chicken for dinner and collect his post from the post office and if he hadn't decided to do that he would not of been on that road at that time, my step mum couldn't tell us her self so rung my brothers inlaws who due to the time difference waited till morning to tell us i still to this day remember the call to go round the ergency in thier voice and know soemthing was wrong! the feeling when told colapsing on a step in thier hall, after that everthing was pretty much a blurr for weeks for months i can tell you things like flights practical stuff,that the flight thier was the wierdest experince and the flight home was supose to be dads flight here but everthing else blends in to one!
like others said just take a small dip i found taking one day at a time and when then didn't work one hour at a time helped!! the first year is the hardest it does get easier slowly but surely i promise!
lots of love and hugs from over the pond xxx
Your story also reminds me of my uncle's death. I've really not gone into it too much on here but so many of the details are similar. They were both on their way to do something they loved. My uncle was a police officer silently responding to his partner's call for help across town. He was driving up the road at 2 am and another driver was on the phone and drinking and had just come from a party where he might have also done some drugs and hit my uncle's car. My uncle's car hit a utility pole. He was killed instantly. At the time his son and my grandmother were out of town. One of my oldrr uncles was sent out to my aunt's house to notify her of her husband's death. It was several hours after the fact b/c the police first drove out to my older uncle's job - he's also a PO - an told him in person and then drove him back to my aunt's house. She wasn't notified until sometime around 8 or so. Her son was camping in the woods. I can't even remember now how they got a hold of the people he was with and notified him but I know there was a police escort back home. My grandparents were 14hrs away on vacation. One of my step-aunts flew down to tell them in person. When they arrived at their hotel later that day she was taken to them by police escort. My grandmother thought my cousin who was in Iraq at the time had been killed.
It's so shocking to have a sudden death like that. It's a rip in our own personal time/space continuum. I think we are somewhat happy when it's someone much older b/c we can rationalize that they aren't suffering. They lived a good life. They were meeting their loved ones again on the other side. It just seems to make more sense, to me at least, but that doesn't make it easier I suppose. I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. It's a cruel thing that you lost them the same week.
Anyway, I'm really rambling. Just wanted to let you know I'm here for you. I know this sounds weird - but I'm glad he forgot his glasses and that you got to see his face before he left.
As long as this body works, I am going to enjoy life to the fullest for each second of every moment that I can.