Many months have passed by since I have posted anything really..a blurp here....a thank you there. Forgive me for my silence.

My words have nothing to do about Lupus and the horrific acts it plays on us...today for me, my words are of my sadness. I am hopelessly sad, I miss my husband....I am full of emptiness, that nothing can ease the pain of the space that has been hollowed out of me..

I survived the anticipated loss of my Mom to cancer 16 years ago, but an instant sudden death is so different. Everything I planned to be as us, is gone and I don't know how to move into the new direction I found myself in as Me....

I want to cut my arm just to feel a different pain, but I know I will be just a woman with a broken heart who has a wound on her arm....

Time..I don't think a spirit, a body, a mind can endure pain everyday...today is day 53. My mind looks for answers, anecdotes..a cure, but in reality the answer is...in my own time and only I will know, the unknown when it happens. My Bola's death seems like yesterday but the pain seems like eons...

Stuck in fear mode.....not the mental fear but the physical. Adrenal glands are pumping out the fear as my stomach and chest are in knots. I am tired of feeling afraid physically when my mind is not...I am in a perpetual state of an anxiety attack...

Talking, writing about it is said it heals... heal thyself with words and time....thank you for reading me.

Love,
Oluwa