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Thread: I am lost.

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  1. #1
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    Default I am lost.

    Many months have passed by since I have posted anything really..a blurp here....a thank you there. Forgive me for my silence.

    My words have nothing to do about Lupus and the horrific acts it plays on us...today for me, my words are of my sadness. I am hopelessly sad, I miss my husband....I am full of emptiness, that nothing can ease the pain of the space that has been hollowed out of me..

    I survived the anticipated loss of my Mom to cancer 16 years ago, but an instant sudden death is so different. Everything I planned to be as us, is gone and I don't know how to move into the new direction I found myself in as Me....

    I want to cut my arm just to feel a different pain, but I know I will be just a woman with a broken heart who has a wound on her arm....

    Time..I don't think a spirit, a body, a mind can endure pain everyday...today is day 53. My mind looks for answers, anecdotes..a cure, but in reality the answer is...in my own time and only I will know, the unknown when it happens. My Bola's death seems like yesterday but the pain seems like eons...

    Stuck in fear mode.....not the mental fear but the physical. Adrenal glands are pumping out the fear as my stomach and chest are in knots. I am tired of feeling afraid physically when my mind is not...I am in a perpetual state of an anxiety attack...

    Talking, writing about it is said it heals... heal thyself with words and time....thank you for reading me.

    Love,
    Oluwa
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  2. #2
    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Default

    Hi Marijo,

    I realize that you probably already know this, but I'll say it anyway-reaching out gradually, and talking to others at your own pace, and when you are ready, is a good thing. Just get your toe a bit wet, or dunk your whole foot in, either way is OK.

    I've tried to imagine the world you are in, but there's no way I could ever really know. Most of us could never know, but we'll listen and try to understand the best way we can. You have helped so many people here in so many ways. But now, it's time for us to listen, and to help you. I'm glad you are back, I missed you.

    Rob
    Last edited by rob; 02-27-2011 at 05:11 PM.

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  4. #3
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    Thank you Rob for reading me. I have tried to reach out at home....within reach but not receive the results I expected. Like Lupus, you have to understand why they don't understand you, instead of the other way around. Because they don't have Lupus and we can't be in their heads everyday. I will have to find that to be the same with grief....The slightest disregard, forgotten becomes so huge....unlike if I wasn't grieving it would not hurt. I would shrug it off and say next time...

    This loss is so much bigger than my Mom, so much. Though I wasn't done learning from her..I was not done living my future with Bola, whatever it may have been. I think this is different too, though my Mom and I spoke daily, we didn't plan out lives together...it was assumed. I was an adult. With Bola..I lost love, security...our tomorrows. I don't think I will get over this. I feel too raw...

    I started sessions with a counselor....seems better somehow when someone can hear you cry instead of alone, in a heap on the floor. Full of emotions without motion...

    My family in Michigan is great but so far away....they call me often, throughout the day. I try to hold the grief in, as I worry they will tire of my sobs....but I am like a vat. I suppress and suppress then I am filled to the rim and I implode, uncontrollably and yell and yearn I want Bola home...knowing he will never walk through that door. Then I get angry, demanding answers from who...God, anyone....I will never know, maybe when I meet him again, will I get it....what this sadness was all for. I love Bola.

    Love,
    Oluwa
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  5. #4
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    Default

    I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted you to know I'm listening.

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  7. #5
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    Thank you GoodDog..I don't think we met. I am Oluwa. I've been part of the family...WHL for almost 4years.

    Be well.
    Love,
    Oluwa
    I have Lupus. So *^#@! what.

  8. #6
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    Well it's a wonderful family and I'm sure glad I found all of you.

    Allie

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    Default

    So sorry may peace come soon to you.

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  12. #8
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    He loved the color green.
    He loved the smell of vanilla.
    He loved vanilla ice cream.
    He loved hot white chocolate.
    He loved the fresh powdered snow.
    He loved the cold.
    He loved that his Mum came to South Carolina.
    He loved that he saw his family in the UK.
    He loved his Mum.
    He loved his Dad....
    He loved his sisters.
    He loved his brothers.
    He loved his nieces and nephews.
    He loved scrambled eggs and wheat toast.
    He loved my family.
    He loved macadamia nut and white chocolate cookies.
    He loved Durjay.
    He loved Yasmin.
    He loved Bello.
    He loved a good Merlot.
    He loved to laugh outloud.
    He loved solving work problems.
    He loved medium rare steaks.
    He loved Crest toothpaste.
    He loved to say Hanukkah Hanukkah.
    He loved Carrot Cake.
    He loved watching his Magnolia Tree grow.
    He loved that he looked like Niyi.
    He loved down feather pillows.
    He loved to learn.
    He loved playing Yahtzee and Rummikub.
    He loved cutting his own hair.
    He loved to snorkel.
    He loved the microwave.
    He loved his rubber yard boots.
    He loved my turkey stuffing.
    He loved working in his PJ bottoms.
    He loved to snow ski.
    He loved my long hair.
    He loved fried plantains.
    He loved Tiger Woods game.
    He loved his work and coworkers.
    He loved Sci-Fi.
    He loved for me to clip his nails.
    He loved to swim.
    He loved bowling with me on Wii.
    He loved listening to jazz.
    He loved Sierra Mist Soda.
    He loved stepping on the back of his house shoes.
    He loved sleeping in.
    He loved Keri Lotion.
    He loved being modest.
    He loved finding new places to eat.
    He loved when he saved a buck.
    He loved Reality TV.
    He loved Salsa dancing.
    He loved Riley and Pookie.
    He loved American Cheeseburgers.
    He loved the Cinema Theater.
    He loved chasing me about the house.
    He loved my Potato Salad.
    He loved to make me laugh.
    He loved to go to the driving range.
    He loved getting calls from his family.
    He loved long car drives.
    He loved celebrating his birthday.
    He loved soft clothes.
    He loved his remote control airplane.
    He loved to golf.
    He loved the nickname Pinhead.
    He loved calling me Dingo, Sugar Plum and Lovely.
    He loved himself.
    He loved me.

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  14. #9
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    Default

    What a lovely list, Oluwa. The last two emtries being the absolute most important.

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  16. #10
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    Default

    He sounds like a very lovable person.

    Debbie
    I may have been dealt a bad hand, but at least I'm still playing with a full deck. ( most of the time anyway).

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