Some of you know my story. I am the 9th child of 13 children and I am the only one diagnosed with Lupus. I am 46 years old and I feel like I have been cursed. I believe in GOD very strongly but this one thing I cannot get over. WHY? Because lately, I have had so many problems. Left hip pain; bones rolling around in my right knee; coughing for two weeks (again); pain in my chest; a-fib; headaches from hell; told I have two aneurysms; fibromyalgia; sjogrens; discoid and sle; lesion on my right eye that comes and goes as it pleases; memory loss; out of control anger flares; depression; etc. I am so mad right now that I just want to disappear but I know I really don't want to disappear. I don't take any meds prescribed because most of what is prescribed, makes me sick. I should be taking the blood thinners but I think I have a secret desire to die. I am not really wanting to die, but I think somewhere in my mind I look to death for relief. Not really, though. Sometimes I just feel that way. I am just really mad now and I need help. I am scared to go to a shrink. Yall know what I am feeling? I am sure you do. I will be ok in a couple of days.