Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: It never ends, help please

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    476
    Blog Entries
    2
    Thanks
    30
    Thanked 47 Times in 44 Posts

    Default It never ends, help please

    I don't even know if anyone can give me an answer, I just need a safe place to vent. This is going to be a long read.


    To bring the story up to speed, my mom has a lot of problems. She has abused myself, and my 3 other siblings all our lives, the vast majority of it being mental abuse with religion included, and there is also some physical and sexual abuse that was done to me. She has done some terrible things, one example being her having an affair with a 19 year old when she was still married to my father, then that 19 year old sexually assaulting my sister, then he attempted to rape me, while my mother WATCHED and said it was okay and I should let him do this (see how nuts she is yet?). There is more but I don't want to go into more detail right now...

    I am now 24 and I have wanted nothing to do with her for years, but she has still been lingering around because my sister wasn't able to stop seeing her for a long time, she was afraid and just didn't have the guts or the will to break the contact until recently. A few weeks ago my mother contacted all 4 of us demanding our social security numbers, and would not tell us why she needed them. We all said no, we will not give them to you, and she kept harassing and harassing, especially my sister who was still the only one seeing her. She would call every day more than 3 times a day, would text my sister constantly, asking over and over for my SIN number and hers. My sister finally had had enough, she finally decided to no longer see our mother and all 4 of us personally told our mother to LEAVE US ALONE, and to not contact us anymore at all in ANY way, or we would have to take the next step.

    She hasn't listened to our wishes, which is not surprising. Her husband (my step father) has now gotten himself involved in this, and is trying to take us to court, which makes NO sense to me. We are all adults, we have chosen NOT to see her, how on earth can we be forced? It makes no sense! She's hurt me so badly, all my life, and she's hurt my siblings too, and my father. We have told her over and over what she has done, and why we don't want to see her, but she always plays the victim and acts like she doesn't know, or uses the excuse that she "doesn't remember".

    She does not work, she says she is sick and she is not. She has tried to get disability and has been denied, she has tried to get welfare and has been denied. She makes up all sorts of diseases and goes to all sorts of doctors trying to get diagnosed with anything and everything. She even tried to tell me that I do not have Lupus or RA (when I do, and I have REAL proof), that it is all in my head and it is absurd that I got approved and I am stealing tax money by being on this support), and she believes she deserves it and I do not, and she is also looking for caregivers, she personally believes since we are her kids we MUST see her, and we MUST take care of her.

    My father facebooked my step dad asking him nicely to leave us alone, he did not threaten or anything, and my step father's reply was this: (he is swedish and has very bad english)

    "Sir....
    This mater not only concerns me,but soon it will concern a lot of more people as I am going to get to the bottom of this mater by what ever means are available whit in the laws of Canada.
    If in fact there are proven abuse in this situation,that is going to be determent by professionals and legal personals,and the situation is going to be dealt with in a professional mater,and who ever needs to be taken to task or get treatment will receive attention
    If (I erased my mothers name here) is in fact doing what you claim then she is going to need some serious treatment in what ever form that the law recomend:
    Do you have a problem with that?

    There is nothing he can do, right? I don't understand how he could make us go to court or force us to charge our mother or tell a judge what happened when we DON'T WANT TO and just want to never see her again and get on with life. This is driving me NUTS, it's the most stupid thing ever and I just want it to end, I'm so SICK of this bull****! We did not threaten her illegally, we have not done anything wrong, we just told her to leave us alone, and if she does not, legal action will be taken such as a no contact order or a peace bond because she's HARASSING US. We've already gone to the courthouse once and what they told us to do was exactly what we did, to tell her again and once and for all, to leave us alone.

    My step dad has no right to do anything, I don't know what he believes he can force or do about this, it just seems to me he's tired of having her as a wife and is looking for a way to unload her.

    God I'm so frustrated and stressed...
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    3,091
    Blog Entries
    59
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 94 Times in 83 Posts

    Default

    Hunniebun.

    My heart goes out to you and your sister for having such an evil Mother who is selfish and only bothered about her own needs.You have endured the terror and abuse which is unacceptable for a child.This man is a monster too! DONT give your mother any numbers,but instead inform the police.If they continue to harrass you,i know its hard as she is your mother,but you can get an injuction out on her so she can not contact you or your sister.If they think they can go to a court and demand monies from you,they are living in la la land.Also,if they take you to court do they think they can get away with attempted rape and sexual assult on their children,step children? The answer is NO!!!! They also can not tell a court that you are not sick when a doctor is there for you to diagnose you.She would also be examined and bloods taken to proove she is pretendig to be sick.
    You have both been very strong living through all this.My advice would be first to inform the police in this matter and both you and sister need to write a statement of your life and what you have endured.
    Other members here have been in a similiar situation.I am glad your dad is trying to help you by getting these evil people from harrassing you.In a way i think they are both bullies as they know they are not entitled to anything you or your sister get.Do you really think they can take you to court? Because from what i see is a pair of bullies,evil sexual preditors who are calling your bluff because they would not want to go to court if there was chance you or your sister would speak up about their evil behaviour.
    If you dont want to inform the police i am sure there is someone,a telephone number of someone who can help you with all this.
    Please keep posting and know we all care about you.This all shouldnt be happening and it needs to stop now.Let me know how you are today.

    lots of gentle hugs
    Amanda.xxxx
    Last edited by Angel Oliver; 02-01-2011 at 12:38 AM.
    I am still here,just been on new meds so unable to function like i used to.I will pop back,just know im thinking of you all and hoping you are keeping on keeping on.xxxxxxx

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    476
    Blog Entries
    2
    Thanks
    30
    Thanked 47 Times in 44 Posts

    Default

    Thank you Angel,

    I'm sorry I didn't make it as clear as I should have. My step dad is not the 19 year old my mom had an affair with when my parents were still married. This happened 10 years ago, so did the assaults. My mom is married to an almost 70 year old man and she has been for I believe a year or more now. What I can't figure out is why he thinks he has any say at all when it comes to us...I just don't get this, I can't get my brain around it, besides the fact that it is extremely crazy. I don't want to charge my mother because I'm tired of court, I already went through it when my parents divorced, and also my sister went through it when she was assaulted and had the bravery to tell the police (I didn't because mom had a hold of me and wouldn't let me go, when my parents split my dad left me behind and planned to come back for me, but my mother took me away to Alberta where he couldn't find me). My sister lost the case because our mother testified against her, saying she was a liar and also forced me to write a statement saying she was lying or else she'd hurt me, which still haunts me to this day. I DO NOT want to go through court again, nor do I have to or can anybody force me to. I want her to leave me alone, plain and simple, but she can't seem to leave it at that and now has her grandpa of a husband joining the nuts party...
    I haven't been able to sleep properly at night for weeks, I have nightmares, I can't stop thinking about all of this, I'm running really high stressed. Sometimes, as morbid as this may sound, I wish she'd just die, because that seems like its the only way she will ever stop.
    Last edited by Hunniebun; 02-01-2011 at 01:35 AM.
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    3,091
    Blog Entries
    59
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 94 Times in 83 Posts

    Default

    Ah i see Hunniebun.I so understand why you wouldnt want to go through it all again,bringing it all up once more.You can get help with this and stop her from harrassing you.Please keep posting as others will help you im sure.
    Just know im thinking of you n always here.
    lots of love
    Amanda.xxxx
    I am still here,just been on new meds so unable to function like i used to.I will pop back,just know im thinking of you all and hoping you are keeping on keeping on.xxxxxxx

  5. #5
    tgal's Avatar
    tgal is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the Solar System
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Posts
    4,521
    Thanks
    1,547
    Thanked 1,741 Times in 1,211 Posts

    Default

    I wish I knew more about the laws in Canada but since I don't I did want to just post and give you a {{{{hugs}}}}. I hope everything works out for you!
    Mari

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

    ~Winston Churchill~







  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Atlanta
    Posts
    3,115
    Blog Entries
    1
    Thanks
    27
    Thanked 80 Times in 69 Posts

    Default

    hi hunniebun,

    i can't believe that you are having to endure her abuse once again. so sorry that you and your siblings are going through this. I agree with the police, file an injunction against her stopping her from having any contact with you all. this will stop her from harrassing you, plus it will show the judge (if it ever goes to court), that you do not want your mother in your lives. and, as adults, surely it is still your right to choose who you associate with.

    like mari said, i am not familiar with canadian law, but i just can't imagine that your "step-dad" has any place to go with all of his threats. Let him spend a ton of money getting psychological tests done on your mom, and then maybe he will go away.
    Phyllis

    share a smile today

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    london
    Posts
    7
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Default

    what you have been through is horrrendous, these things should never happen, but unfortunately they are more common than anyone thinks, it can happen to anyone, lawyers ,doctors even priest and also so much stranger for people to understand is how a mother can be so callous and abusive. it must hurt so bad, my heart goes out to you, you must not absorb all the comments she makes, you know for yourself she is definately not right in the head. you know the truth, it will take a long time to heal but as time passes it will feel better. you wont ever forget or forgive maybe, some people do but try to just forget her she is not worth your thoughts. i know this will be hard as we are supposed to love our parents no matter what but she doesnt deserve you. spend time looking after yourself, pamper yourself in the things you love doing lay in bed read a magazine, have tea relaxed. soak your feet, whatever bakes you biscuit as they say, but forget her she is not worth the excess energy you are using, thinking of you and sending courage and huge hugs to you astrid40xoxo

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,213
    Thanks
    280
    Thanked 208 Times in 162 Posts

    Default

    Sounds like your family needs a restraining order against your mother and her husband. So sorry she has allowed others to abuse you and your sisters. Her drama will continue to cause you and your family stress until you put a stop to it by severing all communication with her.

    I, like the others who have posted, am unfamiliar with Canadian laws, but encourage you to seek a protective order through your local courts.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    476
    Blog Entries
    2
    Thanks
    30
    Thanked 47 Times in 44 Posts

    Default

    My father took us all down to the courthouse and we asked what we had to do to serve her with a peace bond or a restraining order, and the way it works now is that we need to have a list of reasons why we no longer want this person near us or to contact us, write it all down how many times they bother and harass you, and then bring it to the police. OR, to get it started right away, we can find things to charge her with from the past, which I don't want to do because I was hoping to get an order on her without charging her, but they don't do that.
    So basically I/we avoid her as best we can, don't answer her calls (I don't want to change my phone number) and just write down each time she tries to contact us so it's documented. She has been told to not contact us so we are supposed to document any time she does after the date we told her to no longer contact us. If she continues she can be charged for harassment, but otherwise there is nothing else that can be done unless I want to go ahead and charge her for past things. I know she will deny everything and it will go to trial and it will be dragged on and on and on and I just don't want to go through that.
    But what I am more worried about is what my step dad is up to, or what he thinks he can do "legally" about this. That's what I don't get, and I have a feeling I will be summoned to court by him and her to speak to them or to tell a judge what's going on, when I still don't want to, nor should I even have to go.

    It's just so...Painful and stressful and scarey and just, I'm so tired of it, she's already ruined most of my life as it is and I know I can have a much better one without her, but she won't accept that, she's INSANE.
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    28
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Default

    Wow Hunniebun, I don't even know if I have any words of wisdom. This is such a difficult situation for you and although I may not have the right words right now I am here to offer some support if you need it. I'm pretty sure the only way you could be FORCED to court is if your Mom made a civil suit against you OR the crown decided to press charges against her.. in which case you may be asked to testify *this is only coming from an experience I had*
    If the crown does make you testify you could make a "victim impact statement" which could be read by the crown or yourself directly to your Mother... this sounds funny, but I wish I would have read mine to the guy being prosecuted in hindsight..it's very therapeutic. The victim impact statement is just a chance for you to say to your Mom how her actions or lack there of have "impacted" you and it is up to you how much information you disclose.. it is also used when the judge is determining a sentence.
    I completely understand why you dont want this court stuff to drag on and on like it seems to do. It seems like she is going to keep hurting you if she isn't willing to leave you alone even after all of this court talk though so would a little reality check be useful for her? What if you told her the consequences of her actions could be jail time and you are willing to testify against her unless she removes herself from your life until she is healthy. I don't think that kind of abuse you have endured so long is necessary anymore. She needs to respect some boundaries and if the law is the only thing that is going to enforce them then you may not have a choice.. court may be the only option. I guess it comes down to weighing the long-term benefits vs. the short-term hassle and stress (which I am not underestimating by any means)
    Anyway, that's a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo when all i really wanted was to say I am here if you want to vent some more. I will check on this post again tomorrow and see how you're holding up. Please please please just remember we're all here for you and it's your back we got!!!!
    take care and try to do something for yourself tonight

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •