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Thread: My girlfriend is losing her spark

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    Default My girlfriend is losing her spark

    My girlfriend was diagnosed a few months ago, at the time I came here to ask about Lupus and what she and I would have to go through. I was afraid and felt scared, I wanted to just run away, but you helped me, I thought about it and read a lot and decided I wasn't going to make a decision based on her new condition. Some months after, I want to tell you the full story so you can understand what are now my frustrations and fears.

    What I didn't tell you at the time is she, my girlfriend, (its wrong, I know) was married at the time, but we felt in love, we couldn't help it, her husband was verbally and physically abusive towards her and didn't even showed support when she was later diagnosed. We had been having an affair for a few months at the time. She has two little kids, a nine years old boy and a lovely little six years old girl, from that marriage that lasted more than eight years. When she was diagnosed she started to push me away a bit, probably out of fear or having the thought that the only thing that should now matter to her were her kids. She says she is also afraid her husband "could still take away her kids" if he can prove she was cheating on him. I understand that, and I have given her some room and time. But it's been really hard for me. We are no longer together as we used to be before, she says she loves me, but then she simply pulls away.

    Just a couple days ago the doctor told her there was something with her kidneys and she needed some more tests. Today she was feeling ill, and could't walk at times during the day. She told me yesterday, she went out with some of her girl friends, and she told me she had smoked five cigarettes last night (she had quit and had not smoked in years). Finally she said she had stop smoking at the time for her own health, and then he said "but..." ...she clearly feels bad for having smoked and then she said she didn't even finish one single whole cigarette, out of the five she lighted.

    But can you imagine the amount of anger I felt towards her girl friend for letting her doing that? and the frustration and disappointment I feel? ...I feel guilty too, for not being enough or not being the friend I want to be for her and be able to provide the support she needs. She just won't let me! ...she won't! When she told me all that this afternoon, I didn't said anything, but a few minutes and then hours later my distress and anger started to grow enormously.

    I talked with her a couple hours ago, I called her and told her we needed to talk. I told her straight away how I felt about it and how it all was making me feel, my anger towards her friend and all. I told her I was not angry at her, that I was angry at her friend. She said that she didn't want me to start complaining about her friends and she also told me she didn't want me to feel pity for herself, that I don't have to. I told her I wasn't, at all, that I loved her and that's why I care. She said she didn't want her life to end, that she doesn't want to have to be in a hospital and be a burden. "why me..." she said, that broke my heart. I told her her life was not over at all, that she needed to stop thinking that she was "worse" by the day even against her best efforts. I asked her to let me be there for her, to be her support when she needed it, that I love her. That her life wasn't, was not, over for her. That she still had a lot to live and enjoy, that it was just starting, that I wanted to be with her in all that joy together.

    I don't want to see her doing this to herself, it's like she's stop caring! she used to excersice and had a bright aura I felt in love with, but she's simply letting herself go. I feel frustrated. I don't know what to do. I surely don't have the intention to sit back and see her hurt herself, it hurts me too... way too much. Something has to be done. But I don't know how or what. I feel bad an I'm very afraid for everything, even for having felt for her when I shouldn't have had. :-(
    Last edited by Jeremy Kronuz; 12-04-2010 at 12:51 AM.

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    You really are in quite a difficult situation Jeremy. I suppose the best thing you have done is to tell her that you care for her and will be available if she needs you. You cannot force anyone to start to look after themselves, they have to make that decision themselves. Finding out about Lupus is a good start.
    Diagnosed with Lupus - 22 June, 2010

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    Jeremy,

    I read your post about 2AM but am only posting now because I wanted to wait until I had the right words to say. I am not going to speak of the married part because it is not my place to judge any other persons morality. I am not in your shoes nor hers so I can't speak to that. The part I am going to comment on is where you said that what was happening with her made you angry. I must tell you that your post made me angry. While I applaud you for trying to learn I must say that you are still looking at this disease through the eyes of a well person. What angered me was the fact that you stated that "it's like she stopped caring. she used to excercise and have a bright aura I fell in love with, but she is simply letting herself go". Let me try to explain to you what this disease makes you feel like. Imagine the worst flu you ever had in your life. One where your body aches so badly that you cannot move and getting up to go to the restroom takes every bit of energy that you have. Add to that the day you worked out a little too much and every muscle in your body feels like it is on fire. Now add to that periods where your feet fall asleep. You know that really deep sleep so when you step down on them it is really painful like someone is sticking pins and needles directly in your feet? Wrap that all together and that is a mildly bad day. Depending on what other parts of her body are affected there may be several other things going on. For me my brain doesn't work the way it did before. I have rashes and I can't be in the sun or in the store under UV lights of any kind for very long or I get more sick. Now, depending on what medicines she is on those could add a whole new set of problems. If she is on steroids then she is going to get puffy and put on weight as well as all of those other things I mentioned above.

    "She is letting herself go doesn't happen by choice. This disease is one where the body you always knew betrays you. Instead of taking care of you it begins to slowly destroy you. It also causes depression. Not just from the things happening outwardly but because of the effects that take place in ones brain. You want your old girlfriend back and I hate to break it to you but that isn't possible at the moment.

    You have a decision to make. Do you love her or do you love the idea of who she was. You have to decide that because if you love the idea of who she was then maybe it is a good thing she is pushing you away right now. She can't be that person at the moment. If her kidneys are being attacked that says the disease is in an active state and she is sick. She isn't lazy. She isn't crazy. She is sick. Yes, we should take care of our bodies because so much is going on with them but I have to say I understood her 5 cigs. It was something she could control and enjoy. We don't have much of that at times. Your anger toward her or her friends does nothing but cause her to feel even worse about herself and makes her more depressed. Believe me, if we could fix ourselves and figure out a way to go back to the people we were before we would. It isn't possible.

    If they find the right meds they may be able to get her into a less active period of Lupus and she may become more like her old self but she may not. You either love her like this or you don't. If you don't it doesn't make you a bad person but if you make her feel bad about herself because she is sick that does.

    I hope you understand that I am not trying to slam you. I just need you to understand that you can't look through a healthy persons eyes to understand what she is going through. Her life has changed and unfortunately she has had to change with it
    Mari

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    I re-read that and I don't mean it as harsh as it sounds. I know you love her and want to be there for her. I just want you to understand what she feels like. Sorry if it came across to mean. That is not what I wanted. I am glad you came here to talk. Together we might be able to help her
    Mari

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

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    Thanks for answering, actually I was angry at her friend, not her, for letting her smoke knowing it's not good for her. I felt disappointed at her and very much in distress ...full of anxiety and every minute that passed I imagined her with that cigarette and going back to smoking. She says she is not, that she later felt bad for doing it. But I still feel anxious and afraid, for some reason. :-(

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    Hey Jeremy. I know this is scary for you as well. Although we are the sick ones our friends and family lose also. It is really hard to come to grips with this new life and no one that loves us is spared.

    As I said above, sorry if I sounded harsh I really didn't mean it that way. Today is a hurting day for me and I didn't word things the best way
    Mari

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    ~Winston Churchill~







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    Jeremy, as an ex-smoker, trust me, her friend isn't to blame for the smoking. That's a very personal decision. I pray with all my heart that she doesn't fall back into the habit because it's such a dangerous thing for someone with Lupus. Try this, take the smoking out of the equation completely and then carefully evaluate what is making you upset. Another concern I have is that a love triangle is pretty intense for someone fighting Lupus. I get stressed when my electric bill is higher than expected, I can't imagine trying to keep two men happy (and and I mean overall, not simply sexually).

    Research the disease and all of the drugs and side effects (the prednisone has done horrible things to my overall looks) but mostly look into your heart and evaluate the benefits and pitfalls of being in this type of relationship. I'm not judging you, I'm simply bouncing the ball into your court and asking that you carefully consider the benefits of staying involved.

    Good luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Dear Jeremy,

    I don't recall writing this at all. Yet another wonderful part of this disease -- congative disfunction. Your friend's friend didn't make her smoke. Your friend chose to smoke. She'll either do it again, or she won't. I've never had an ounce of interest in Pot, but with all my pain, stress, fear and fatigue -- not to mention my complete change in personality -- I've seriously considered trying dope to see if it would help. I wouldn't smoke it because I have shrinking lungs disease and I know how much it would hurt but I'm sure there's other ways to use it. Anyway, my point is, this disease is horrible and causes you to consider doing things you wouldn't have even thought of prior to the disease. If 5 cigs and a night out gave your friend pleasure, well, I hope she finds other ways to accomplish the same feelings but I certainly understand why she did what she did.

    This is so hard for everyone, Jeremy. My son has truly lost the mother he deeply loved for the first 14 years of his life. My parents have gone from enjoying their retirement and dealing with the concern of my father's serious diabetis to caring for me and essentially financing my life now. Forgive me for being brutually blunt but you don't get to be angry right now. You can be part of the solution with support and love or you can find someone else. No one would judge you. This is all complicated enough but trust me, she most likely doesn't want to have to worry about whether or not she's causing you stress. Do some deep thinking, pray, if that's something you do, and then decide if this is something you're up for. I wish you the best but please, please, do not add addition stress to her current situation.
    Last edited by serand4; 05-06-2011 at 02:48 PM. Reason: I don't remember writing it!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremy Kronuz View Post
    My girlfriend was diagnosed a few months ago, at the time I came here to ask about Lupus and what she and I would have to go through. I was afraid and felt scared, I wanted to just run away, but you helped me, I thought about it and read a lot and decided I wasn't going to make a decision based on her new condition. Some months after, I want to tell you the full story so you can understand what are now my frustrations and fears.

    What I didn't tell you at the time is she, my girlfriend, (its wrong, I know) was married at the time, but we felt in love, we couldn't help it, her husband was verbally and physically abusive towards her and didn't even showed support when she was later diagnosed. We had been having an affair for a few months at the time. She has two little kids, a nine years old boy and a lovely little six years old girl, from that marriage that lasted more than eight years. When she was diagnosed she started to push me away a bit, probably out of fear or having the thought that the only thing that should now matter to her were her kids. She says she is also afraid her husband "could still take away her kids" if he can prove she was cheating on him. I understand that, and I have given her some room and time. But it's been really hard for me. We are no longer together as we used to be before, she says she loves me, but then she simply pulls away.

    Just a couple days ago the doctor told her there was something with her kidneys and she needed some more tests. Today she was feeling ill, and could't walk at times during the day. She told me yesterday, she went out with some of her girl friends, and she told me she had smoked five cigarettes last night (she had quit and had not smoked in years). Finally she said she had stop smoking at the time for her own health, and then he said "but..." ...she clearly feels bad for having smoked and then she said she didn't even finish one single whole cigarette, out of the five she lighted.

    But can you imagine the amount of anger I felt towards her girl friend for letting her doing that? and the frustration and disappointment I feel? ...I feel guilty too, for not being enough or not being the friend I want to be for her and be able to provide the support she needs. She just won't let me! ...she won't! When she told me all that this afternoon, I didn't said anything, but a few minutes and then hours later my distress and anger started to grow enormously.

    I talked with her a couple hours ago, I called her and told her we needed to talk. I told her straight away how I felt about it and how it all was making me feel, my anger towards her friend and all. I told her I was not angry at her, that I was angry at her friend. She said that she didn't want me to start complaining about her friends and she also told me she didn't want me to feel pity for herself, that I don't have to. I told her I wasn't, at all, that I loved her and that's why I care. She said she didn't want her life to end, that she doesn't want to have to be in a hospital and be a burden. "why me..." she said, that broke my heart. I told her her life was not over at all, that she needed to stop thinking that she was "worse" by the day even against her best efforts. I asked her to let me be there for her, to be her support when she needed it, that I love her. That her life wasn't, was not, over for her. That she still had a lot to live and enjoy, that it was just starting, that I wanted to be with her in all that joy together.

    I don't want to see her doing this to herself, it's like she's stop caring! she used to excersice and had a bright aura I felt in love with, but she's simply letting herself go. I feel frustrated. I don't know what to do. I surely don't have the intention to sit back and see her hurt herself, it hurts me too... way too much. Something has to be done. But I don't know how or what. I feel bad an I'm very afraid for everything, even for having felt for her when I shouldn't have had. :-(
    Hi Jeremy,

    It's good how you've opened your heart up to we all and you really genuinley want the woman.

    Reading about her past with her husband, i was there and in the same situation with my 1st husband but no children involved. She most likely wants to be with you but once you've been through a situation like that it can be hard to trust again and her having the lupus, then smoking she's actually relieveing herself of stress and built up emotion.
    Please give her time even though you want to be with her but keeping intouch is also letting her know your waiting close in the background. sounds to me like she's trying to deal with old situation's first and knowing about the Lupus also will put another shock onto her and she may be trying to get her head around that situation besides.

    I really do admire you for the care you want to give and i hope in time she does come to you properly.

    Hugs Terri x
    Last edited by Peridot20_Gem; 05-06-2011 at 01:51 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremy Kronuz View Post
    Thanks for answering, actually I was angry at her friend, not her, for letting her smoke knowing it's not good for her. I felt disappointed at her and very much in distress ...
    Wait, your GF made a conscious decision (this is not on her friend) to cut loose on one occasion and smoke a few cigarettes and your reaction to this is "it's like she stopped caring...but she is simply letting herself go"? Sure it would be better that she didn't do this, but a few cigarettes in isolation like that are not going to do anything and they certainly shouldn't be considered by you to be some kind of betrayal.

    I'm 33 now and I was diagnosed when I was 18/19. Because of my condition, I often found myself living day-to-day. I didn't make long term plans as I had no way of knowing if my body would let me do whatever it was I had planned.

    During my 20's, this kind of short term thinking led me to do a lot of things which are a lot worse than her smoking a few smokes. I'd frequently be out partying all night, excessively drinking, using drugs such as ecstasy, amphetamines, cocaine, weed and yes, smoking cigarettes. They were the only things that made me feel as good as I had before being sick. I wasn't quite living each day like it was my last but it wasn't far off.

    A few years of that kind of living did definitely take it's toll on both my body and my psyche but I did get it out of my system and I did learn that it can't possibly make things better. I also started to think that maybe I can start to plan things a fair amount of time in advance; if things aren't quite perfect at the time i'll adapt and make the best of the situation but it's always better to have tried.

    I got sick of missing all the good things in life because of that way of thinking and for me, a lot of it was an issue with my confidence.

    What i'm trying to say is that everyone in her situation will react differently. They need to come to grips with their illness and to adapt their life around it. She will find her way but it is something she will need to do for herself, it's not something you can lead her to or push her to. That would definitely be the wrong way to approach this, both for her and your relationship.
    Last edited by RaoulDuke; 03-10-2012 at 09:04 PM.

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