My girlfriend was diagnosed a few months ago, at the time I came here to ask about Lupus and what she and I would have to go through. I was afraid and felt scared, I wanted to just run away, but you helped me, I thought about it and read a lot and decided I wasn't going to make a decision based on her new condition. Some months after, I want to tell you the full story so you can understand what are now my frustrations and fears.
What I didn't tell you at the time is she, my girlfriend, (its wrong, I know) was married at the time, but we felt in love, we couldn't help it, her husband was verbally and physically abusive towards her and didn't even showed support when she was later diagnosed. We had been having an affair for a few months at the time. She has two little kids, a nine years old boy and a lovely little six years old girl, from that marriage that lasted more than eight years. When she was diagnosed she started to push me away a bit, probably out of fear or having the thought that the only thing that should now matter to her were her kids. She says she is also afraid her husband "could still take away her kids" if he can prove she was cheating on him. I understand that, and I have given her some room and time. But it's been really hard for me. We are no longer together as we used to be before, she says she loves me, but then she simply pulls away.
Just a couple days ago the doctor told her there was something with her kidneys and she needed some more tests. Today she was feeling ill, and could't walk at times during the day. She told me yesterday, she went out with some of her girl friends, and she told me she had smoked five cigarettes last night (she had quit and had not smoked in years). Finally she said she had stop smoking at the time for her own health, and then he said "but..." ...she clearly feels bad for having smoked and then she said she didn't even finish one single whole cigarette, out of the five she lighted.
But can you imagine the amount of anger I felt towards her girl friend for letting her doing that? and the frustration and disappointment I feel? ...I feel guilty too, for not being enough or not being the friend I want to be for her and be able to provide the support she needs. She just won't let me! ...she won't! When she told me all that this afternoon, I didn't said anything, but a few minutes and then hours later my distress and anger started to grow enormously.
I talked with her a couple hours ago, I called her and told her we needed to talk. I told her straight away how I felt about it and how it all was making me feel, my anger towards her friend and all. I told her I was not angry at her, that I was angry at her friend. She said that she didn't want me to start complaining about her friends and she also told me she didn't want me to feel pity for herself, that I don't have to. I told her I wasn't, at all, that I loved her and that's why I care. She said she didn't want her life to end, that she doesn't want to have to be in a hospital and be a burden. "why me..." she said, that broke my heart. I told her her life was not over at all, that she needed to stop thinking that she was "worse" by the day even against her best efforts. I asked her to let me be there for her, to be her support when she needed it, that I love her. That her life wasn't, was not, over for her. That she still had a lot to live and enjoy, that it was just starting, that I wanted to be with her in all that joy together.
I don't want to see her doing this to herself, it's like she's stop caring! she used to excersice and had a bright aura I felt in love with, but she's simply letting herself go. I feel frustrated. I don't know what to do. I surely don't have the intention to sit back and see her hurt herself, it hurts me too... way too much. Something has to be done. But I don't know how or what. I feel bad an I'm very afraid for everything, even for having felt for her when I shouldn't have had. :-(