I am so down right now. I feel as if Lupus has taken everything from me, despite my efforts to hold on. My job, pretty soon my house, my friends, and possibly children (have had several miscarriages due to Lupus stress on my body). My best friend since childhood never understands when I can't make it to something. This weekend I missed her sister's wedding. I had previously planned to be at a fleamarket about 2 hrs away to try and sell my artwork to make money. I needed to sell it badly as our house is being foreclosed. I found out her sister's wedding coinsided with the fleamarket and she told me I'd regret it if I didn't go. Well, i was going to go until it started pouring down rain and my Lupus was in a huge flare. I tried to drive but it was a downpour and I felt so bad I didn't trust myself to drive 2 hrs there and then feel good enough to come back and get my stuff (much less sell it). I had to make the decision not to go. It killed me. I cried and cried. Of course, my best friend didn't understand and she hasn't spoken to me. She does this every time I have to miss something. She has all of these special occassions and I have had none. Not one in 4 years since I got married. She doesn't ahve to show up for anything. It really gets on my nerves and I'm tired of feeling like a criminal. She hasn't spoken to me at all.
We are losing our house b/c we cannot afford it. I had to take disability for the Lupus and the treatment. They ended up firing me and from then on I've been sick as a dog and haven't been able to hold down a job. We haven't paid our car and the bail out plans only take 25 dollars off of our mortage. 25 dollars!!!!!! Are you kidding me??? We have tried everything and I don't know what we are going to do. I can feel another bad flare coming and the weather isn't helping. I'm so down in the dumps and I've had panic attacks almost every day for a week. I'm at my wits end. The only bright spot in my life is my husband. Thank God for him or I'd have to be checked into the psych ward! I just really need prayers and encouragement. I feel like joy has been sucked out of my life and I'm just an emotionally charged mess. I'm broken and have a heavy heart. I tried to go to church and when I got there it was the baby dedication ceremony and I had to choke back tears the entire time. I know it's what you put into it that counts, but I just wish I had found more solace than I did. Here I am. A mess and sick so I can't just get up and do something. I can't even muster enough strength to go look at an apartment with my hubby. It's one street over from our house.
I've been living in la-la land and pretending it will all get better. I was slapped in the face with reality after I was served a notice of inspection of our house. They wanted to make sure we are still living here. I feel as if I cannot physically and mentally take much more until I'm just a vegetable on the couch.