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Thread: mixed feelings- .....Help! lol

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    Default mixed feelings- .....Help! lol

    Today, my sister called. She's 4 months pregnant and wants me to come up. She asked if I wanted to help take care of the baby and I immediatly jumped on it. I was thinking about going up there, but I'd have to get a job and help take care of the baby. She has a job up there, and she can't move down here. I really want to go up there with her. I really love my sister, and if I don't go up there, I don't know how long it will be until I get to see her again. I need a job anyway, and I'll need to pay half of the rent.

    I don't know what to do. I've helped take care of infants before (my parent's friends had me watch their kids) so I know what to expect. I don't know if I should go or not though. I have until October/November to decide. I'm strung really high right now. What do you guys think I should do? I can't affort to keep going up to visit and help out every 2 months.

    Rob, if you read this, this is kind of like striking out on my own, right?
    "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"- Mother Teresa

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    I remember when you and Rob were having that discussion.
    It might be a great way for you to start out on your own, but with a familiar person by your side. Do you and your sister get along well? Will she respect you as an adult, or will she take advantage of you as a free babysitter? Is baby's Daddy in the picture? If so, do you get along with him? If you feel good about the situation, then go for it!
    Good luck.
    Hugs,
    Marla

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    My first thought is......ah, how nice that would be to spend time with your sister and her new baby. Then it hit me.......she wants you to come up and help her take care of her baby AND pay 1/2 of the rent????? I'm probably way off base and uninformed since I've been away for a spell and I apologize in advance if I've got it all wrong, but do you presently live with your parents? Do your parents provide all of your financial support? Would you have to quit a job to go to your sister's? Do you currently have medical insurance? Are you prepared to find new medical providers?

    Please give this serious thought and consider the impact this change would have on YOUR life. Please do not put others' needs before your own.

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    I have to say that, like BonusMom, I was struck by the same question!! You are expected to babysit and get a job and pay half of the rent? Like BonusMom, I may be way off base here and way out of line, but somehow this does not strike me as a fair offer!
    I have all of the same questions as BonusMom, especially considering your health issues and your need to have good medical care.
    I, too, apologize if my response is due to ignorance of the true and complete facts.

    Peace and Blessings
    Namaste
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

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    Thanks guys. I have thought of some of these things, although not about health insurance (probably because I don't have any lol). They provide most of my support, but latley we've been pooling all of our money trying to get enough to pay for our meds and bills. I have been using my college money often though, so I'm not completely dependant, but not exactly independant either. It's hard to explain, so I hope you get my meaning.

    BonusMom-
    It was only brought up today, so we're both a little out of the loop. I doubt that she'd make me pay 1/2 the rent, but I think she lives in her 'mom's' house and I'd be there too. She said she's supposed to be moving into an apartment though. I don't want to overburden her parents if that is where she's living. I'm not sure about the babies dad as I've never met him, but me and my sister get along fantastically. If my sister likes him, I'm positive that he's a good guy. They have been friends since they were kids. I live with my parents, but I think only my dad has medical insurance due to being disabled. I don't have a job here, so doing babysitting would be fine even if it's for free. I was thinking about picking up a job when my sister is home, kind of like rotating shifts. I'm kind of in the dark, but I need to do something in case I am called upon by her. I'm willing to do almost anything. By the way, I left you a PM.

    Suzie-
    We only started talking about it today, so we're trying to discuss everything. As for my medical affairs, I need to find a better doctor anyway. I didn't get to ask about the rent, but I would volunteer anyway except that I have to worry about unreasonable things.

    Marla-
    I know she'll treat me as an adult, and highly doubt she'll take advantage of me. I've known her for several years now, and never once has she treated me as less than her equal. She has always treated me as though we were the same age (I guess it's because she's only 4 years older), and probably because we both understand what the other has been through. I am only uncertain, because my dad brought the same thing up. He said something along the lines of 'she's going to make you babysit, but what are you going to do about money'. I seem to be blissfully ignorant about the need of money. I still live in my little dreamworld I suppose.

    thanks again to you all
    wishing you the best,
    Nicole
    Last edited by wolfwhisper; 05-04-2010 at 09:24 PM.
    "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"- Mother Teresa

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    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Hi Wolfwhisper,

    Sorry I missed this thread yesterday. Better late than never! I have a rule in my life that I try very hard to stick to. The rule is, business is business, and family is family, and those two things don't always go well together. What I mean, is that the babysitting and rent should be treated as a business deal, and the fact that she is your sister should not be a part of negotiating rent and doing the job of babysitting.

    Babysitting is a job, and you should be compensated/payed for doing the work. I would be inclined to offer your sister a deal that in exchange for your room and board, you will do the babysitting. To make it fair, you could offer to pay for expenses that you yourself incur, such as offering to pay for your phone calls on her phone, and buying your own groceries and such. You paying half the rent as well as babysitting does not sound fair to me.

    I know this may sound like a rather cold and business-like way of dealing with a family member. But, if you two can agree in writing as to what your obligations are, it can help avoid a really bad situation down the line. If your obligations as a roommate/tenant are not clear, it can lead to conflict, and many a best friend and/or family member has had a falling out over such things. Sometimes never being friends ever again. Financial dealings with family must be clear cut and without any questions as to both parties responsibilities.

    Now of course, there are situations where bringing up money and treating something like a business deal would be totally inappropriate. Like if a family member has an injury or other problem where they need help, obviously you are going to help that family member out of the goodness of your heart. I'm assuming that this is not that kind situation though.

    Anyway, I hope this all makes sense, and I hope you will put your own needs first, decide what's right and fair for you, and then follow that path.

    Rob
    Last edited by rob; 05-05-2010 at 11:13 AM.

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    It makes perfect sense. I never thought of it that way. I always think about helping out more as a volunteer than an actuall job. Thanks for the advice! I'm definitly taking it to heart.
    "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"- Mother Teresa

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    Hi,

    I kind of got stuck in this same situation when I was first diagnosed with my brother and his girlfriend. I was home sick, put on disability at 19 and they had my nephew that basically neither one of them was ready to parent. I was more than happy to help out and babysit but more often than not, I wasn't paid for it. Don't get me wrong, I adored my nephew and loved taking care of him but it was a job. I didn't feel up to it at times from my illness but still did it. He went everywhere with me for years, doctors, etc. He is now 16(YIKES!) and I can still say he is my baby and I still adore him! Just be careful of family members taking advantage of the fact that you are there, but no thinking about what might be best for YOU and not them. It is very hard to say to no to our loved ones, but sometimes for our own health we need to put our foot down sometimes. Good luck! Congrats Aunite!

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    I agree with Rob that you should be paid for the babysitting you do. If it weren't you there or a family member, your sister would be paying for babysitting from anyone else. Perhaps you could negotiate room and board in exchange of the babysitting. Then when you get a part/time job outside of the babysitting, you would have some money for your needs. Good luck in the decision that you make concerning your living and job situation.

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    That's what I was planning to do, but although I take care of the baby, I'd be adding a bigger mouth to the house along with electricity and water. She'll already have to pay for diapers, clothes, toys, etc. would adding these things trouble her or help her? At least if she hired someone else, the person wouldn't be a live-in.
    "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"- Mother Teresa

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