First, let me say that I am so glad that you felt safe enough to open your heart to GOD here.
Now, you have every right to feel each and every emotion that you are feeling. Being completely honest about what you are feeling, then admitting to them openly, then asking for forgiveness is a sign of true faith. What you have done is brave and honest and you have opened yourself up to receive GOD's love and forgiveness.
You were forgiven before you even asked! It is now your turn to forgive yourself. Every person is flawed, none of us are perfect. Each and every one of us has harbored ill thoughts. We do this because we are human beings. But, not many of us are as brave and insightful as you are. Therefore, not many of us are able or willing to admit our shortcomings and our flaws. Not many of us are able or willing to reach out and ask for help as honestly as you have. GOD has forgiven you, now forgive yourself. Once you have done that, you will find that you are able to make choices and decisions that will be best for you (your emotional and physical well being).
We are here for you
Peace and Blessings
Look For The Good and Praise It!