Someone asked me today if we go to our pastors and tell them that we sinned. I replied, NO, but we should. I need to repent because I am feeling kind of weepy and I am trying very hard not to be nasty to my husband. He irks me sometimes and I am not in the mood to talk, look at, or be in the same room with him. Literally, I was gone all day for two reasons: 1 was to help my friend paint, and 2 was to get away from my husband. I know that if my husband passes away before me, I will regret feeling this way towards him, but right now he is irking my very soul. I work. He doesn't. Yes, he cooks and has his nurse have the home clean when I get home, but I get tired of watching him play games on his cell phone, on his play station, and on my laptop. Every time I turn around he is playing a game. He doesn't even realize that he is addicted. When I come home from work, he asks for the laptop - not to do something important, but to play games. I have had it. We have been married for 11 years and he is not getting any better with the game addiction. He tells me that he needs to unwind or "playing games is an outlet for me". OUTLET! He is home ALL DAY. NO JOB. NO CHILDREN LIVING WITH US. DOESN'T HAVE TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING. DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING (EXCEPT GETTING A RAMP FOR THIS NEW PLACE WE MOVED INTO). HE EXPECTS ME TO DO AND REMEMBER EVERYTHING FOR HIM. IF HE DOESN'T WORK, WHY DO I HAVE TO REMEMBER THINGS FOR HIM? IF HE DOESN'T WORK, WHY CANT HE JUST ACT LIKE HE CARES AND DO MORE FOR ME EMOTIONALLY. We don't have a real relationship anyway. He is strange and will probably say the same thing about me. WHATEVER!!!!! I am strange, but I am a woman and I just want to be loved or at least feel lke I am loved. I feel like my husband wants me to baby him and have everyting right for him. I can't and won't. I have LUPUS (that's obvious). I get tired, stressed out, weary, angry, resentful, etc, but GOD knows that I am truly working on it. I forgive him and then he goes and does the dumb stuff again. I guess that's what I do to GOD. HE forgives me and then I mess up again. I repent GOD. I have been a bad, horrible daughter. I have hurt my husband again because he has hurt me again. I repent GOD because I really feel like I want a divorce from the man that I promised to love and cherish. I repent GOD because I mostly think my way is the right way and that my husband is always wrong. I repent GOD because I believe my husband loves his "outlets" more than he loves me, the woman he promiosed to love and cherish. HELP ME GOD. IT'S THERESA. ARE YOU THERE? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I AM CRYING OUT TO YOU AND I NEED AN ANSWER FROM YOU QUICKLY. MY SOUL IS CRYING OUT BECAUSE I NEED FORGIVENESS FROM YOU AND I NEED TO BE CLEAN. HELP ME GOD. I SAID I ASKED OTHERS TO FORGIVE ME FOR THE WRONG I HAVE CAUSED THEM. NOW I NEED TO ASK YOU, FATHER GOD TO FORGIVE ME BECAUSE I HAVE DONE YOU WRONG AND I NEED TO GET BACK INTO RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU - JEHOVAH GOD. YAHWEH! ALMIGHTY GOD. EVERLASTING FATHER! HELP ME GOD!!
Please note that I am not writing this for sympathy or empathy from anyone. I just needed to tell on myself and be accountable for my sin and rebellion against GOD. I am not contemplating suicide or hurting myself or my husband in any manner. I do love him. I am just a little tired of the foolishness from him and from myself.
Having said that, I thank you, whoever you are, for reading this post and praying sincerely for my soul's salvation. I love GOD and I know HE loves me. I am in the fire so that I can come out as pure GOLD for GOD.