Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 18 of 18

Thread: Open the flood gates... (REALLY long, just ranting really..)

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Golden, Colorado
    Posts
    466
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    Saysusie~

    Thank you for replying!!! What type of music do (or did) you sing? I'd LOVE to hear something! Also, if it's not TOO personal... May I ask WHY you had to decide to stop singing? Was it complications with your voice, or just an energy issue or..?? And HOW do you do it? I wasn't able to sing for six months... I got to the point where I didn't think my voice was going to come back... And to be quite candid, I was seriously considering suicide... Because singing is all I really know, and do WELL, and without it I have no joy, no ambition and definitely no strength... It's not only my craft, and my instrument, but it's my escape as well... As I'm sure you understand... HOW do you manage, and is this something to look forward to in my future?

    I am extremely sorry about your daughter... I'm sure your rage is MUCH deeper than mine... I know mine would be if it was my child... (No, I don't have kids, but if I did...)

    Thank you again, for your response, and for this board... To my surprise, I definitely think I've found a "home" on this board... I guess I have to go thank my best friend for finding it for me, too...
    "All sounds are potentially dangerous.
    All sounds are potentially medicinal.
    All sounds are beautiful." ~Yoko Ono

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Golden, Colorado
    Posts
    466
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    Ouisch~

    LOL!!! I didn't mind the classes of people too much... I figured, as long as they were learning about this "mystery thing" that was going on with me... (Apparently I was the talk of the hospital because my condition was so "unusual") they could teach me, too! And, really, I was glad that they were learning from my experience since my GP dropped the ball so badly... Now, if any of these students see this again, they'll remember me, and know a direction to go in...

    I was also wondering, if I may ask, what kind of symptoms do you have with lupus in your nervous system... I'm starting to feel like I'm freaking out over everything, so, if the symptoms I'm having really aren't related, maybe I can stop feeling like a hypochondriac!!! LOL

    Thanks for replying!!!
    "All sounds are potentially dangerous.
    All sounds are potentially medicinal.
    All sounds are beautiful." ~Yoko Ono

  3. #13
    Saysusie's Avatar
    Saysusie is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the Universe
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Victorville, California
    Posts
    7,751
    Blog Entries
    10
    Thanks
    1,610
    Thanked 927 Times in 590 Posts

    Default

    Hi Solesinger;
    I think that in the icons above, there is one for Music Online, you can hear a small porition an original piece that I did, written by the administrator of this forum, called Agnus Dei - it is a duet with a very dear friend of mine. It is a classical piece, but I am a smooth jazz and ballad singer.
    I cut a CD in honor of my daughter which is very ecclectic (because she loved all genres of music) that can be purchased online at Songpeddler.com; The proceeds all go to the Lupus Foundation. I have two other CD's that I have not put on Songpeddler yet!

    Now, to the reason that I've stopped singing -
    I developed cancer in my thyroid which required surgery to remove it. My voice returned, but it was not my voice and I lost the strength that I once had and lost my range. I think, solesinger, that what really happened is that all of that caused me to become very depressed and I lost my joy for singing! Once the joy is gone, nothing seems worthwile. So, I continue to turn down gigs, I boxed up my equipment, quit my voice lessons, stopped going to the studio and just stopped singing!!
    I have not sung a note in 3 months (as a fellow vocalist, you know that this feels like it's been a year!). I know that, since I am no longer using the instrument, the longer I abstain, the better the chances are that I will not be able to use it! It is a catch 22, but I am so depressed right now and have been missing my daughter terribly, that I don't care much about anything anymore!
    So, that's my story :cry:

    Sorry it was so depressing

    Saysusie

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    47
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Another One

    SaySusie, I am so sorry for your loss.

    I hope you won't mind if I share one of my stories, which is along the same lines. I had kind of the opposite happen - I used to play piano, went to a rather celebrated school for classical piano, and was one of those who didn't really practice because I was playing for hours on end every day. It was absolutely my joy, my voice and my escape. Then my mother - I loved her deeply, but she was mentally ill and we had a complex relationship - shot herself in our basement.

    It's been over 20 years since then - I still have the piano she bought for me when I was 5. During the last decade or so - once or twice a year I get the urge to play and I fumble my way through some scales and exercises. If it sounds ok, I actually try to play a piece or two. I get discouraged by how clumsy and incompetent it all sounds. And instead of being my voice and my escape, my silent piano is now just a very sad souvenir. It's been through earthquakes, fires and floods - the front legs are busted off and I haven't gotten around to fixing the borken pedals or having it tuned. The paint on it chipped (it was white with gold trim) so I got the idea to refinish it - but lost energy and interest about halfway through. Needless to say it looks battered and bruised and when people comment about it I usually laugh and say it's the physical representation of my soul.

    Anyway, after all these years my refusal to play is still about grief and anger over losing my mom. Somewhere in my heart I know she's listening for it - and I still can't find the strength to play for her any more. Maybe if the plaquenil and DHEA give me back some of my long-lost energy, I'll find my way back to it. At least now I have some hope for that, which is more than I've had in a very long time.

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Golden, Colorado
    Posts
    466
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    Wow...

    How do you do it? I mean, I understand not having the joy to do it... I've experienced that... But, never for long...


    But, how do you LIVE without it? Because honestly, I feel that if it weren't for the music... I wouldn't be here...

    My father plays guitar... Or I should say played guitar... He stopped about a year ago... Mid-life crisis or something... I don't know but, he used to play for hours everyday... Just for himself even... And now, he might pick up his guitar for about 15 minutes every two months... His once calloused fingers are now soft, and his beautiful guitars are dusty and hanging on the wall like some sad musical cemetary.... It makes me sad...
    "All sounds are potentially dangerous.
    All sounds are potentially medicinal.
    All sounds are beautiful." ~Yoko Ono

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    47
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Oddly enough

    Hey Sole!

    It's the funniest thing - I haven't actually given up music, I've just stopped playing piano. I've kind of switched instruments to the one I am absolutely worst at. Sometimes I'll be sitting somewhere lost in thought and suddenly realize I'm singing out loud and have been for quite some time.

    Singing is something I'm just not talented at, but it's become this kind of release valve. I had this one job years ago where I had to clean up the coffee cups for the rest of the staff every night. I hated that aspect of it. And this one night I was washing the cups and had no idea I was singing until the department receptionist stuck her head in the kitchen and said, "Girl! I can hear you in the lobby. You can blow!"

    I'm not a good singer, but I am quite loud. :-D

    I've been singing less lately. The fatigue just gets me and I can feel the a weak sort of urge to open my mouth but I can't even muster the energy to hum. For this, the neighbors are deeply grateful.

  7. #17
    Saysusie's Avatar
    Saysusie is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the Universe
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Victorville, California
    Posts
    7,751
    Blog Entries
    10
    Thanks
    1,610
    Thanked 927 Times in 590 Posts

    Default

    Hi Katalanta and Solesinger;

    Katalanta - I actually could feel your loss and you pain as I read about your mother. Even though it has been 20 yrs for you (six years for me) - it still feels as if it were yesterday. I still wake up most mornings crying for my daughter as I know you cry for your mother!

    Solesinger - Going without music for such a long period of time only happens because the joy is lost. Katalana and I both seem to have lost our joy and our inspiration. Like I said, once the joy is lost, there is no more meaning in it for us. You have not lost your joy and I pray that you never do. I also pray that you can perform the way that you want to again!!
    For me, I think that it is over!!

    Peace and Blessings to you both
    Saysusie

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    6
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    Thank you for your stories....I read every word. You made me cry becaues I am so sorry for your grief.

    My daddy died 30 years ago....I loved him dearly. But I dont grieve for him because I know he watches me still.....

    Blessing

    Coco

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •