Venting - angry and disappointed
I just need to get this out, because in the 'real world' I'm acting like I'm just fine and I'm NOT!!
Tomorrow I'm doing the Lupus Walk at Metro Beach, Detroit area. I've been really excited about it, it's my first walk ever, but didn't start fundraising until this week because I was afraid I wouldn't be healthy enough to actually do the walk. So anyway, I set up my webpage on Wednesday and e-mailed all of my colleagues. There are over 50 people in my building. Many of them are new, many are young, so either didn't know I've been dealing with this for so long, or haven't had experience with chronic illness so don't understand what this life is like. But there are plenty who have been right here all along and never even asked if they could help me.
I'm the kind of person who is fiercely independent, and hates to ask anyone for help. But with all the donations everyone's always asking for, I thought maybe I could ask for them to support me in this walk. After all, I contribute when I can for their kids' fundraisers, and the collections for other events, happy or sad, when they occur.
So anyway, I got two responses from the e-mail, that said basically, "you go, girl!" which was nice. Only ONE colleague donated!!!! Well, two, but one is also a good friend so I don't consider her just a colleague. But ONE person?!?! I've been at this school for 9 years, and although I'm not all that social and don't go out with them because I CAN'T because of health issues mostly (and okay, 'cause I don't feel like I fit in sometimes). But I am pissed, angry, disappointed, and feel like I'm so done with all this!!!!!! It's not the money, I've raised enough and I'm okay with that. It's that we call ourselves a family here, and it is clearly NOT!!!!!!! I love teaching, I love my students, but right now I can't stand the people I work with!!!!! If they had to live my life for just one day, they would be a hell of a lot different, I bet. ARghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(And the kids are back, so I'm back to being sweet Merry Sunshine again. Ugh.)
Thanks for listening.
Lupus, you have no chance!
Love and hugs,
(mom to my little Chihuahua, Brandi)
Diagnosed with SLE, Sjogren's, Reynaud's, Celiac, and arthritis November 2006.