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Thread: Marital Advice

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  1. #1
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    Default Marital Advice

    Sometimes lupus causes heightened emotions so I am seeking the counseling of a group of people I have grown to trust and care about. Tell me the truth about what you think, no matter what.

    6 months ago I started planning our 5th year wedding anniversary. I was really excited about it, 5th year is a milestone, especially in dealing with my health and husband's Aspergers. I was working hard on my health to be well enough to ride the motorcycle to Vegas like we did when we got married.

    8 weeks ago his step daughter told him she was getting married. My husband did not even think twice about canceling our anniversary. He didn't even tell her we had plans we would have to cancel. I voiced my feelings but left it up to him. He being a trucker has to plan his home time.

    The wedding was postponed. Today hubby says he is now stuck taking home time for nothing. Now he wants to do something for our anniversary and I am over it. I don't want to be his second choice. I'm hurt. I have never been anybodies #1 my entire life so I am used to it BUT it hurts him now saying he wants to make it up to me. He hasn't completely owned his decision yet and I'm not letting him off the hook.

    So what am I to do, to feel? How can he "fix" this? He made his choice.
    Last edited by AyahsClan; 08-21-2009 at 11:20 PM. Reason: edit
    Ayah
    Believe in Tomorrow - Appreciate Today
    http://twitter.com/LupieAyah

  2. #2
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    Default

    Ayah,

    I am sorry that you are hurt by your husband's choice, and even more sad that you do not feel you have ever been a #1. I'm sending you a giant hug I have to say since my Lupus diagnosis I have been better about forgiving people and staying positive and stress free. I understand what you are feeling but I think you need to make a choice about what is more important, your husband has already made his choice and it did not work out the way he planned, so now you can choose to remain miserable and not celebrate an important milestone in your life or you can decide everything happens for a reason and enjoy your anniversary. You don't have to ride to Vegas if it's too late to replan. I say wedding anniversaries should be about recommiting yourselves to eachother, so as long as you are spending it together and you can express your love where you are and what your doing should not matter. I hope I have lightened your load a little bit. Remember we all care for you! Your great! Don't forget to pray on it...God will always be there for you.

    Natasha
    Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle

    SLE, Nephritis, Raynaud's, previous ITP
    Plaquenil, baby aspirin, Flinstones vitamins

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  4. #3
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    Default

    Ayah,

    I, too, am sorry that you have never felt you were #1. I grew up in a household with a stepsister, and I can tell you that my dad seemed to always choose her over the rest of us too. He felt he had no choice, so we got used to it, not in a bad way though. He was very good to us and I love him dearly. What I'm trying to say is that maybe your husband isn't actually placing his daughter before you, but doesn't know how to fix this.

    Like Natasha said, you don't have to go with your original plan, but if possible, you should. I'm sure you would have a great time, and it would bring you closer together.

    Whatever you decide, be happy, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

    Colleen

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    Default hi

    Oh Ayah,

    I feel your pain,ive been in a similar situation,but you know what....YOU GET OUT N CELEBRATE!!!! I know inside you feel hurt and your husband will now be able to try and right his wrong. I know you will enjoy it no matter what you both do.Otherwise you both will just stay in and not do anything and i think you deserve something nice to happen.I understand the feeling of not being number 1, but you know what you are....and you are to us...our number 1 friend.This feeling will pass,but i know you'll never forget it what he did,not putting you first as you feel,but please do something to celebrate it.Let us know.

    Love n hugs
    Amanda.xxxxxxxx
    I am still here,just been on new meds so unable to function like i used to.I will pop back,just know im thinking of you all and hoping you are keeping on keeping on.xxxxxxx

  6. #5
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    Default

    Although I can nary be considered a marital expert (we're going through a VERY rough patch right now after having just celebrated 5 years of marriage), I can appreciate your hurt feelings by the choice your husband made

    I, too, would have felt like DH's second choice if he failed to even discuss the situation with me prior to RSVP'ing to the step daughter's wedding. Perhaps DH felt like you could celebrate the following weekend (or whatever) and her special day would only be that one day. It's hard to say as I really don't understand men's way of thinking a lot of the time (sorry guys).

    Let me tell you that I was deeply saddened that my DH totally forgot our anniversary last year. I didn't scream, yell or otherwise raise my voice (not my style) but when he saw how much that hurt my feelings he made darn sure he didn't forget this year (pack your bags, baby, you're going on a guilt trip!).

    Like my DH, I'm sure your man didn't intentionally mean to hurt your feelings, but it does hurt--very deeply. I would do my best to pack that sadness in to your suitcase and hit the road. By the time you get to Vegas and you've been snuggled up to DH on the back of the bike, some of that hurt will have dissipated. And, should a similar situation arise in the future, I'm sure (hope) that DH wouldn't make the same decision.

    My thoughts are with you...

  7. #6
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    Thank you everyone for your thoughtful caring posts. Bonus Mom, sorry you are going through a tough time right now. Relationships take so much work but the rewards should be friendship and emotional intimacy. We settled this issue the same day by him owning the fact that he chose her over me. He admitted he made a huge mistake. Unfortunately it is too late now to do anything, he will not even be home. He is gone 3-4 weeks at a time, home time has to be pre-planned.

    I can't help the way I feel.
    Ayah
    Believe in Tomorrow - Appreciate Today
    http://twitter.com/LupieAyah

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