Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18

Thread: Marital Advice

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Yucca Mesa
    Posts
    234
    Blog Entries
    5
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Marital Advice

    Sometimes lupus causes heightened emotions so I am seeking the counseling of a group of people I have grown to trust and care about. Tell me the truth about what you think, no matter what.

    6 months ago I started planning our 5th year wedding anniversary. I was really excited about it, 5th year is a milestone, especially in dealing with my health and husband's Aspergers. I was working hard on my health to be well enough to ride the motorcycle to Vegas like we did when we got married.

    8 weeks ago his step daughter told him she was getting married. My husband did not even think twice about canceling our anniversary. He didn't even tell her we had plans we would have to cancel. I voiced my feelings but left it up to him. He being a trucker has to plan his home time.

    The wedding was postponed. Today hubby says he is now stuck taking home time for nothing. Now he wants to do something for our anniversary and I am over it. I don't want to be his second choice. I'm hurt. I have never been anybodies #1 my entire life so I am used to it BUT it hurts him now saying he wants to make it up to me. He hasn't completely owned his decision yet and I'm not letting him off the hook.

    So what am I to do, to feel? How can he "fix" this? He made his choice.
    Last edited by AyahsClan; 08-21-2009 at 11:20 PM. Reason: edit
    Ayah
    Believe in Tomorrow - Appreciate Today
    http://twitter.com/LupieAyah

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Daytona Beach, FL
    Posts
    118
    Blog Entries
    1
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 13 Times in 9 Posts

    Default

    Ayah,

    I am sorry that you are hurt by your husband's choice, and even more sad that you do not feel you have ever been a #1. I'm sending you a giant hug I have to say since my Lupus diagnosis I have been better about forgiving people and staying positive and stress free. I understand what you are feeling but I think you need to make a choice about what is more important, your husband has already made his choice and it did not work out the way he planned, so now you can choose to remain miserable and not celebrate an important milestone in your life or you can decide everything happens for a reason and enjoy your anniversary. You don't have to ride to Vegas if it's too late to replan. I say wedding anniversaries should be about recommiting yourselves to eachother, so as long as you are spending it together and you can express your love where you are and what your doing should not matter. I hope I have lightened your load a little bit. Remember we all care for you! Your great! Don't forget to pray on it...God will always be there for you.

    Natasha
    Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle

    SLE, Nephritis, Raynaud's, previous ITP
    Plaquenil, baby aspirin, Flinstones vitamins

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to Leksie For This Useful Post:

    Saysusie (09-04-2012)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Ontario. Canada
    Posts
    28
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    Ayah,

    I, too, am sorry that you have never felt you were #1. I grew up in a household with a stepsister, and I can tell you that my dad seemed to always choose her over the rest of us too. He felt he had no choice, so we got used to it, not in a bad way though. He was very good to us and I love him dearly. What I'm trying to say is that maybe your husband isn't actually placing his daughter before you, but doesn't know how to fix this.

    Like Natasha said, you don't have to go with your original plan, but if possible, you should. I'm sure you would have a great time, and it would bring you closer together.

    Whatever you decide, be happy, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

    Colleen

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    3,091
    Blog Entries
    59
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 94 Times in 83 Posts

    Default hi

    Oh Ayah,

    I feel your pain,ive been in a similar situation,but you know what....YOU GET OUT N CELEBRATE!!!! I know inside you feel hurt and your husband will now be able to try and right his wrong. I know you will enjoy it no matter what you both do.Otherwise you both will just stay in and not do anything and i think you deserve something nice to happen.I understand the feeling of not being number 1, but you know what you are....and you are to us...our number 1 friend.This feeling will pass,but i know you'll never forget it what he did,not putting you first as you feel,but please do something to celebrate it.Let us know.

    Love n hugs
    Amanda.xxxxxxxx
    I am still here,just been on new meds so unable to function like i used to.I will pop back,just know im thinking of you all and hoping you are keeping on keeping on.xxxxxxx

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,213
    Thanks
    280
    Thanked 208 Times in 162 Posts

    Default

    Although I can nary be considered a marital expert (we're going through a VERY rough patch right now after having just celebrated 5 years of marriage), I can appreciate your hurt feelings by the choice your husband made

    I, too, would have felt like DH's second choice if he failed to even discuss the situation with me prior to RSVP'ing to the step daughter's wedding. Perhaps DH felt like you could celebrate the following weekend (or whatever) and her special day would only be that one day. It's hard to say as I really don't understand men's way of thinking a lot of the time (sorry guys).

    Let me tell you that I was deeply saddened that my DH totally forgot our anniversary last year. I didn't scream, yell or otherwise raise my voice (not my style) but when he saw how much that hurt my feelings he made darn sure he didn't forget this year (pack your bags, baby, you're going on a guilt trip!).

    Like my DH, I'm sure your man didn't intentionally mean to hurt your feelings, but it does hurt--very deeply. I would do my best to pack that sadness in to your suitcase and hit the road. By the time you get to Vegas and you've been snuggled up to DH on the back of the bike, some of that hurt will have dissipated. And, should a similar situation arise in the future, I'm sure (hope) that DH wouldn't make the same decision.

    My thoughts are with you...

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Yucca Mesa
    Posts
    234
    Blog Entries
    5
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    Thank you everyone for your thoughtful caring posts. Bonus Mom, sorry you are going through a tough time right now. Relationships take so much work but the rewards should be friendship and emotional intimacy. We settled this issue the same day by him owning the fact that he chose her over me. He admitted he made a huge mistake. Unfortunately it is too late now to do anything, he will not even be home. He is gone 3-4 weeks at a time, home time has to be pre-planned.

    I can't help the way I feel.
    Ayah
    Believe in Tomorrow - Appreciate Today
    http://twitter.com/LupieAyah

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Yucca Mesa
    Posts
    234
    Blog Entries
    5
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    I woke up this morning fighting back tears and sinking into a deep depression. There is more to the story regarding the step daughter I can't say. I had been planning this for so long. It meant so much to me now I feel like such a fool for caring. I'm always the fool who cares.

    Our anniversary is on September 21st. He will not be home.
    Ayah
    Believe in Tomorrow - Appreciate Today
    http://twitter.com/LupieAyah

  9. #8
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Seaside, Ca.
    Posts
    3,871
    Thanks
    196
    Thanked 948 Times in 732 Posts

    Default

    Ayah,
    I know that this might not help much right now, but I want to share my hubby's favorite saying - "This too shall pass". We both agreed that we're in for the long term, but every couple has those rough patches. I know that I used to fly off the handle very easily, and I was quite insecure when we were first married. I was raised by a very abusive and psychotic mother, so I had a lot of things to work out over the years. Add to this the stresses of raising our 5 kids, and it was rough. Jeff just always said his little mantra and hung in there.
    Like BonusMom, I will always remember the time that he forgot our anniversary. He wondered why I was so quiet all evening, and then slept on the couch. He was very confused, since it turned out that he had the weekends mixed up. Believe me, he's NEVER made that mistake again. Thanks to the AF, he's often been out of town on anniversaries, Valentine's Day, kids' birthdays, etc. We've just come to accept that we can always celebrate after he gets back, and still call it an anniversary, etc.
    I know that it really feels bad right now, but we've found that our marriage has mellowed over the years, and now it is very, very good.
    Hang in there, girl!
    Gentle Hugs,
    Marla

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    3,091
    Blog Entries
    59
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 94 Times in 83 Posts

    Default hi

    Ayah,

    Read Marlas story and i hope it helps you.I understand how upsetting this is.My husband had a son,he was only there for money,other wise we never saw him.I rarely got much.I remember one christmas id set my heart on something for him to buy me,he was going too.Instead he bought his son an expensive present and his ex's son a present too.I got nothing.So believe me i know the sting in your heart hurts allot.But like Marla said,you can celebrate it after.I know you were planning it and you feel so let down right now.I hope you begin to feel better as this isnt helping your health.We are worried about you.Let us know that you feel a little better soon.

    Love n gentle hugs
    Amanda.xxxxxxxxxx
    I am still here,just been on new meds so unable to function like i used to.I will pop back,just know im thinking of you all and hoping you are keeping on keeping on.xxxxxxx

  11. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    22
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default

    You have every right to feel hurt and I would absolutely feel hurt about something like that...however, who are you really helping by not doing anything on that day? Are you helping yourself? Because I'm pretty sure you wont, will you be helping him? I don't think so either. The point is, while it may feel like you're 'sticking it' to him by refusing to do anything now, you're really not gaining anything from it. It might feel kinda good to get 'even' by not wanting to do anything, but marriage isn't about getting even. He was sooooo beyond wrong for ditching the plans you guys made, no matter the ocassion- but if he attempts to make it up to you, let him!
    "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK, Jr.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •