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Thread: dealing with spouses

  1. #11
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    Thanks to all of you for the great messages and support. David, I like your 'kick it in the butt' attitude!

    Things got better last nite - I gathered up enough energy to make a good dinner, and then went out on my own. She tells me I have to make my own fun (cuz she doesn't have time), so that's what I'm doing. It's a little weird - I've never been the 'hang out w/the guys' kind of guy (at least not since college), but I'm learning over again.
    But anyway, after I got home she was a lot more 'normal.'

    Wantitgone: I keep trying to tell her that sex is good stress relief, but not making much progress...the sad thing is how much the frequency has declined since she went back to school. But she fought me tooth and nail when I suggested a few months ago that she cut back on her class schedule and take longer to get her degree. Now she's saying she'll cut back because of the lupus, but I'm keeping my mouth shut - I'm not about to push her one way or the other.

    We were going to counseling a while back, things got a lot better so we (really SHE) stopped going but now she's going on her own and says she'll go with me to my therapist, who's been wanting to talk to her for months (until recently she flat refused to see my therapist). So we'll see...

    Thanks again for the great support- it means a lot to me!

  2. #12
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    Good for you. Now keep it up. Just go have fun. I'm like you not one of them hang out with the guys but I have a bunch of sailing buddies now to pass the time with.

    I've found that I am not as tired and feel a whole lot better.


    Sitting on the beach drinking lemonade.
    Fair wind and following seas.
    David

  3. #13
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    hi brian,

    so sorry to hear about the stress your marriage is presently withstanding.... I hope "normal" returns to your life.

    you received a log of very good advice. I am inclined to agree with Angel....sounds like your wife is trying to transfer her guilt to you. With her in school, she is sharing experiences with "healthy/normal" people, and she might be feeling resentful that lupus has changed your lives. This might make her feel guilty, and she is trying to transfer this to you.....that is wrong of her and very insensitive.

    so glad you are going out with friends....i am certain that they won't feel your energy is negative....they will be thrilled to enjoy your company. Sorry is it not your wife, but that is her issue, you take care of you.

    Hopefully she will visit your therapist, I feel sure that your therapist will be able to decipher exactly what is going on with her.

    I don't mean to be passing judgement on your wife, i know that it must be extremely difficult for our spouse to accept the life changes that lupus brings, but like Angel said, your wife should try to put herself in your place, and decide what she would hope that you do for her....

    take care, enjoy your friends, and hope fo peace.
    Phyllis

    share a smile today

  4. #14
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    Brian
    i have gone thru what your going thru, but my marriage ended because of it.

    my best advice is first make sure she understand what is going on with you. make her go to dr. visit with you and here from the dr. what this causes.

    they don't know how to deal with us or understand the disease we have so for some reason they get nasty.

    if you love her and she the love of your life. sit her ass down and talk to her until she understands what is going on with you and your life.

    than make a choice thats best for you. this disease will never go away and the flares are bad. you need support from family and friends for this. so you need to be with people that can do that for you. not cause you any more stress.

    cause stress will make the disease worse just like it does to anybody stress is very bad on our bodies. we need to be able to vent an move on not keep things bottled up inside.

    good luck with your talk. don't be like me i ran away an ruin my chance of saving my marriage.
    Keep Smiling

  5. #15
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    Wow, your rough relationship must really be bothering you. Hard to tell from one post, but I get that your wife is a bit egocentric, and does not understand what youa re going through. I have Lupus and Sjogren's and my husband has multiple health problems. I willa dmit to getting tired of my husband's moaning and groaning about how his back hurts, or his leg... I think excessive complaining is crazy and non-productive. I have talked to him and aske dhim to STOP asking me how I feel, as I don't the focus of our lives to be pain and complain! I am the one to get discoraged when he does nothing to helo around the house because he feels bad. So, I sort of understand your wife's feelings.

    The two of you really need to have a sit down, hear to heart talk. Put on a pot of coffee, and have some snacks, and talk. Set rules: No yelling, no cursing, say what you feel, say what you want, and try to come to some conclusions adn comromises. If you love and care about each other, you can do this. Put everything on the table, without accusing each other of anything.

    Drinking is not the answer, and understand, some people just are not strong enough to cope with their spouse's infirmities. Mostly men, I am sorry to say, but many men have left sick wives, because they can't deal with not being the center of their spouse's life. Maybe your wife feels your illness has replaced her as the focal point of your life.

    I am sure you can discuss the issues and come to a resolution if you BOTH want it.

    Best of luck!

  6. #16
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    Brian,

    I can completely relate to your situation. Im not married but Ive been in and out of relationships, and Lupus is a tough disease and I think sometimes our loved ones dont realize how we really feel. I know its just as tough for them but definitely not tougher. Your wife isnt being supportive as a matter of fact, and I say this respectfully... She is being very selfish. Its not fair to you or the relationship. Maybe you should talk to her Imsure she loves you with all her heart, she probably frustrated as well and sometimes people say things out of anger.


    Chriss
    Live, love, and most importantly be grateful!!

  7. #17
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    Hi Brain, i say go buy a book about living with someone who has lupus and if she DOESNT read it, well then, she doesnt have to say any more does she? I believe ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER than WORDS, so, LISTEN to HER ACTIONS. I am SO SORRY you are going through this. YOU are in my HEART
    We Live in a MORTAL, FRAIL, IMPERFECT world in which the word "FAIR" doesn't always apply.Make EVERY MOMENT COUNT with the ones you LOVE because it can end in the blink of an eye. Love, Jeannette

  8. #18
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    Hi Brian
    Sorry to hear about your situation with your wife. Thanks for sharing and venting. I hope things get better between you two BUT right now you need support. Lupus takes over not just your body but your mind and I think a lot of people in our lives turn on us as they can't see the hurt or mental blocks we encounter. I will not speak about your wife as I don't know her nor you but I know Lupus and it's a BITCH to say the least. Things will get better once you start to feel better and don't think of yourself wasting away...think of yourself as morphin into a better you!!!
    I wish you health and remission

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