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  1. #1
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    Default dealing with spouses

    Okay, I know it's mostly women on this board, which I think is a good thing.

    Because I need help dealing w/my wife. For the most part, she's great, but the last few days she's been really difficult to deal with -- drinking a lot (imo, at least) which led me to very gently ask her this morning if there was anything I could do, which then touched off this huge discussion (on and off all day) about how she can't stand the 'negative energy' around me. I've told her that I'm doing my best to not be negative (and really, it's more sad than negative - there's a big difference) but it's kind of hard with the way my life has fallen apart in the last year. (lost job, had very very rough relationship patch when she decided she was just going to say whatever the hell she thought/felt regardless of the consequences, got new job at huge pay cut and accompanied by empty promises, blah blah blah. Plus she's totally career-focused AND in school almost full-time, so there's little time/energy left for me or anyone else - our friends are dropping like flies because we never do anything). Further, she said several months ago that sex during the week was out of the question because she is just too tired, but now there's no (or very little) sex on weekends.

    Anyway, all that aside. She says she's 'saturated' with the negative energy and can't take any more. But as noted above, I'm more sad than negative -- it's hard to see my body wasting away, not to be able to go in the sun, to worry about whether I'll be able to keep my job, not having a sex life anymore, yada yada. I try my best to not be critical or negative, but frankly, it's hard, especially when I hear that from her. As I pointed out (gently) today, I didn't ask for this disease, I didn't DO anything to get it, I didn't deserve it (as far as I know ) and her witholding sex and just generally being a bitch because she doesn't like the 'negative energy' is really getting old.

    Sorry for the rant. Just writing it down does help some...

    thanks all, and happy saturday!

    Brian

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    Default hi

    Hi Brian,

    First of all thank you for sharing your story with us. After reading it,the only ''negative energy' here is all coming from your wife im sorry to say. She should be standing by your side and loving you no matter what. If anything it should be YOU too tired. I think she is doing some of that reverse physcology on you and its actually her with the problem here and NOT YOU!

    I know another or any discussion is going to end up with her saying you are negative,when like you said,you are actually very sad.BUT you need to remember,you are sick and maybe she does not know how to handle your illness,maybe be a little afraid of whats happening to you.I am making no excuses here for her. For her to suddenly stop being intimate with you must make you feel like you are losing everything.Like you said you did NOT ask to be sick.Please keep reminding her of that and i think its cruel of her to treat you this way. Unfortunately,we all at some point may get sick..so who is to say she wont,i pray she doesnt but what i mean to say is, what if it was the other way round? She was sick? You were acting as she is now? How would she react?
    I really hope somehow this relationship works out with more talking.I do understand you say she is nice,but this is a big issue to be sorted and i dont like how she says about negative energy.How would she cope in your shoes?
    I hope i do not offend either of you with my words.Im just me reading a post.I know if that was me id be so upset.
    Please know we are all here for you and im so sorry this is going on.But i also hope its sorted soon so you can relax.You have been through enough.

    love n hugs
    Amanda.xxxxx
    I am still here,just been on new meds so unable to function like i used to.I will pop back,just know im thinking of you all and hoping you are keeping on keeping on.xxxxxxx

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by widebody View Post
    Okay, I know it's mostly women on this board, which I think is a good thing.

    Because I need help dealing w/my wife. For the most part, she's great, but the last few days she's been really difficult to deal with -- drinking a lot (imo, at least) which led me to very gently ask her this morning if there was anything I could do, which then touched off this huge discussion (on and off all day) about how she can't stand the 'negative energy' around me. I've told her that I'm doing my best to not be negative (and really, it's more sad than negative - there's a big difference) but it's kind of hard with the way my life has fallen apart in the last year. (lost job, had very very rough relationship patch when she decided she was just going to say whatever the hell she thought/felt regardless of the consequences, got new job at huge pay cut and accompanied by empty promises, blah blah blah. Plus she's totally career-focused AND in school almost full-time, so there's little time/energy left for me or anyone else - our friends are dropping like flies because we never do anything). Further, she said several months ago that sex during the week was out of the question because she is just too tired, but now there's no (or very little) sex on weekends.

    Anyway, all that aside. She says she's 'saturated' with the negative energy and can't take any more. But as noted above, I'm more sad than negative -- it's hard to see my body wasting away, not to be able to go in the sun, to worry about whether I'll be able to keep my job, not having a sex life anymore, yada yada. I try my best to not be critical or negative, but frankly, it's hard, especially when I hear that from her. As I pointed out (gently) today, I didn't ask for this disease, I didn't DO anything to get it, I didn't deserve it (as far as I know ) and her witholding sex and just generally being a bitch because she doesn't like the 'negative energy' is really getting old.

    Sorry for the rant. Just writing it down does help some...

    thanks all, and happy saturday!

    Brian
    Hi Brian,

    Sorry thinks are kinda funky right now. In my opinion, it sounds like your wife isn't allowing you to help her through this tough time. You sound supportive so it's sad that she isn't taking advantage of YOU. I definitely have a supportive husband and know that like you, he didn't ask for this disease. I really let him help. I express how I'm feeling when I'm down, emotionally and/or physically. I would talk to her about this and let her know that you only want to make things better, not worse. Unless I was physically in pain, that's the only way I would hold out on sex w/my husband. That's understandable I'm sure you would agree. I honestly think that things like divorce and infidelity occur when communication is non existent. You guys have to talk about it. You have to let her know how you're feeling. Because even though we have this crippling disease, it's not your fault. You guys should be in this together. I'm sorry also but I am NEVER too tired for sex. Lol! Sex is stress relief! Just try and talk to her and try to be patient. Let her know you are here for her, and not her enemy. Hope everything works out for you two!

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    Hi Brian,

    Sorry to hear, that your wife and you have hit a rough patch, maybe that's all it is, a rough patch. Does she have stress at work? Keep talking to her and let her know, that you would much rather feel well, but it is very tough to be happy and positive, when you are in pain and your entire body is messing with you and your brain. And I understand, that it is not negative energy, but you just dragging butt, BIG TIME. Sometimes I am just fed up with my daily pain and it is hard that day to smile. I hope she will understand and be by your side, like my husband is on mine.

    Debbie

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    Default Hey Brian

    I'm new around here... nice to meet cha!

    You sound like a really sweet guy. Maybe you could find some counseling for the two of you? And maybe go on your own the first couple of times to explain your illness and whats been happening AND make sure this is the right counselor and what you want to do - Then bring it up to your wife and tell her how important she is to you and that you want to make things better (never mind it's more her issue than yours) just say you want to make things better and you think counseling could be the right thing. Then let her know you checked them out and already started "discussing your negative energy" (again, just put it that way to her....) and that you really think this is the right thing to do for your marriage and you love her so much and how she's worth it yadayada...

    Just an idea. The others are right saying that she should be supporting you during this difficult time. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

    Hugs
    Jewelz

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    Brian,
    Quit being sad about Lupus. This just makes it worse. I have it and you have it. We didn't ask for it so now kick the s in the butt. If I feel like a nap I take one, if I feel like sailing I go sailing. Keep telling yourself that you are going to fight this mess. Never anything neg. I've got a wife that supports me and a great bunch of friends.

    The more I do what I love the better I feel. I'll make the small changes like putting on sunscreen and ware a hat but that's it.


    Good luck on the wife thing. Can't advise you on this one other than there is more there than meets the eye.


    Sitting on the beach drinking lemonade.
    Fair wind and following seas.
    David

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    Hi Brian,

    I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your wife, it can be very hard for people to understand our disease and what it does to us.

    First let me say that I think the negative energy is an excuse or at least sounds like one to me. Maybe you guys should have a sit down and find out what the real problem is....She could be holding stuff in and just saying ur energy as a cover up for what the real problem is.

    Also make sure you tell her how u are feeling, that u are frustrated and sad. Not negative however frustrated and sad emotions aren't exactly postiive...if u know what I mean

    I can say being married myself when u do have sit down and ask her to express her feelings try not to interupt and try not to fix the problem. Just be there and listen. I find that when me and my husband talk we are so busy trying to make our points that no one gets heard. So now when me and my husband talk we try not interupt as hard as it is.

    I wish you all the best of luck and I hope u feel better
    xoxoox neL

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    Hello Brian,
    Reading your post your wife refers to your "negative energy", I have to say that whith what I have been through with this nasty disease I would not call it negative energy or just simply a mind over matter thing, and I thank God daily for being blessed with a wonderfull caring wife who understands. We all have different symptoms and are afected differently by this and I can relate when you feel so darn fatigued that you do not even want to get up out of a chair yet can't sleep and feel like you are tired all the time, been there, it sucks! Yeah it is hard an my family but they do understand and we all know that we did not ask for this. Explain how you are feeling to your doctor and possibly he can change up your meds to help. I hope this helps, good luck and God Bless. Jim.
    Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort wich we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3

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    Hi Brian...

    Sorry to hear about the ruff time with your wife. If you are feeling very sad, you might want to discuss things with your doc. He may want to change or put you on an anti-depressant. I know I take Cymbalta and it really helps me.

    Good luck and God Bless,
    Danice

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    I'd stay away for the anti-depressants. Doctors love to put you on all kinds of crap.
    Like I said there is more going on than meets the eye. Sit down and have an open talk with her.

    Brian,
    What do you like to do??????? Go have some fun. That's the best cure.


    Sitting on the beach drinking lemonade.
    Fair wind and following seas.
    David

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