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Thread: Husband's comment

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    Unhappy Husband's comment

    I am heartbroken and need some perspective. I think I am just over reacting. My husband is working as a professional over the road truck driver. He started last October, and is gone three weeks at a time. When we got married in 2004 I lost my extra medical coverage that covered enough dental to put me under to pull teeth that break from lupus, steroids, whatever. I've been in pain because I have a badly broken tooth that is triggering the trigimineal nerve, very miserable. We are trying to pay off thousands in medical bills and rx. We just can't add several more thousands by using credit for my dental bills. It can run $1,500 + for one tooth.

    Tonight he calls and says; "We should get a divorce so you can get your medical coverage back, we are trying to do it right and it is not enough." I was shocked and asked how much would a divorce cost just to feel him out, he says about $275. As a Christian, I reminded him we could not live together or be intimate unmarried. He said I live on the road and could sacrifice intimacy.

    I'm really hurt. I naturally got quiet and he said he was sorry and didn't mean anything serious, just that he would do whatever he could to help me. He is an Aspie (Asperger's) and can say inappropriate things at inappropriate times but inside I'm wondering if he was thinking of this as a way out. He said he had not been thinking about it it just popped into his head.

    After I became noticeably distraught he said "no it wouldn't work because we would have to lie and claim irreconcilable differences. Am I overreacting?
    Last edited by AyahsClan; 04-08-2009 at 02:55 PM. Reason: Exchanging a word for less a less graphic one.
    Ayah
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    Perhaps he was thinking about it, but it seems that it was all in the context of trying to help you...how if you were divorced could you get insurance? That is the part I don't understand

    On the other hand, I know I would try to read into what my hubby said...I guess you should talk to him when you both are together...It appears that he loves you very much.
    I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.......Robert Frost

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    Quote Originally Posted by sick n tired View Post
    Perhaps he was thinking about it, but it seems that it was all in the context of trying to help you...how if you were divorced could you get insurance? That is the part I don't understand

    On the other hand, I know I would try to read into what my hubby said...I guess you should talk to him when you both are together...It appears that he loves you very much.
    Thank you. We had the chance to talk once more tonight before he hit the road for an overnight drive. It really did pop into his head without him even thinking it through. Mr. Inappropriate is a good nickname for many Aspies. It was like a knife in my heart, I think I just needed a good cry.
    Ayah
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    Men often say things that are just completely hurtful without thinking. I too married one of those!! He seems to think that lupus is something that I can just "shake" off. I have recieved some great advice from the ladies here and that was that men think that they have to take care of us, so when they feel that they are helpless they act out. It really does sound to me like he thought that would be the best way to help you physically, but because he was thinking logically like men do he didnt stop and think that it would not be the best thing for you emotionally. I hope that things work out for you!
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    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Hi Ayah,

    As a guy, I can tell you that sometimes we put our mouth ahead of our brain, and say things without thinking. That's what this sounds like to me. And as you said, people with Aspergers can say inappropriate things at times. Before my disaster with my former fiancee, I was married back in my 20's. It didn't go well, and we ended up getting a divorce. I can tell you that it would cost a whole lot more that $275.00, and the emotional cost, is something that cannot be calculated, needless to say, it's a very high price, and you never get it back. Even a divorce for the "right" reason, if you want to call it that, is hell. I hope this is all just a case of talking without thinking. Talk to him, and tell him how you feel. Make sure he knows that this is absolutely not what you want.

    Rob

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    Sorry to hear about your husbands comments but maybe it really was his diease. I now when i keep saying i am cold all the time my husband justs replys put a sweater on. I know he really does not understand that this and other things are part of your daily life with lupus and he makes comments like there must be something wrong with you. Well duh there is. And my children think i can continue to do the same things as always so i sympathise./ Bonita

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    One out for the dental work is to go to Mexico. My sister went down and got a whole set of plastic choppers for $600.00 She is very happy with them.

    You could also see if you could get your meds down there also.

    Just something to think about.


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    Ayah-

    My heart hurts for you. I, too, would read way too much in to what DH said and have a good cry.

    I agree that he is trying to find a way to make you more comfortable. You know how men like to "fix" things. If only they'd learn how to "fix" their need to open mouth--insert foot.

    I'm sure your husband loves you, but I also understand how his comment would make you feel insecure, especially since he's on the road for 3 weeks per month.

    When your DH returns, I would have a talk with him, without distractions, and tell him that you appreciate him thinking outside the box to try to come up with a resolution for your dental pain. I would also explain to him how it hurt you to the core that he would consider divorcing you. There is no benefit to divorce--for anyone.

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    Thank you everyone. We are fine now and he realized how painful it was for him to even consider that. He is a very loving and loyal man. I can't help but wonder if it is all too much for him.

    Sick n tired you asked about how divorce would help my financial situation. When doctors took me off work I received SSD and Medicare. I lost everything, my home, car, even my ex husband who could not deal with my Lupus. After everything was gone and I was way below the poverty level I qualified for SSI and MediCal which is Medicaid in some states.

    It covered nearly 100% of all my medical expenses. Made it up to the poverty line..lol but God was good to me and He provided. He provided so much I even was able to buy my little cabin to have a home of my own.

    When DH and I married in 2004 I lost coverage because of his income. He has helped me pay my share of cost which has been in the thousands yearly. Last year he could not earn enough, he started trucking, but with the economy, money has been trickling in. This month was better thank God but we are in debt due to one thing, my medical.

    If we were to divorce I could then qualify for the extra help, sad but true.

    Grime; We went to Yuma and DH crossed over to Algodones Mexico to check out the dentist there for me. He had work done there but since my problem is so complicated we decided it would be too risky. I have to be put under because of neuro issues and my liver does not process the anesthesia well.

    Thanks again, you guys are the best!
    Ayah
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