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Thread: Im Just pissed off !!!!!!!!

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    Default Im Just pissed off !!!!!!!!

    Today is a bad day for me I cant seem to motivate myself for anything. Im so tired i hurt all over. I have taken my medicine and still I see no relief. My hands are swollen, My butterfly rash is lighter than it was last night. Im starting to have pain in my right kidney and im having trouble urinating. It's just another bad day for me. I went out today and even though its partly cloudy I can still feel my skin burning. It feels likes it boiling. But All I can do is stand my ground and make the best out of it. Everything is crashing down, I have cried all morning cause this is the worst i have felt since i got Diagnosed. People don't take this disease seriously. They see me all dressed up ready to go smiling and they say how can she be sick she looks fine . But deep down inside im in pain . I put up this front making it seem like im ok. But im not it hurts to think that people think im faking my illness but I know im sick . I have always complained that i have been ill and no one ever believed i was sick except my loved ones. I have heard comments from people you are always sick . You are just a hypochondriac. I am extremely pissed off at my mother in law and my husband. My mother in law had the nerve to tell my husband that I needed to find a job to help him. That all I do is SIT ON MY ASS ALL DAY. My husband agreed with her which totally pissed me off. First off he works in the oil field. he makes $5000.00 a month and he is fixing to get another raise. Im so angry!!!!!!!!! I feel like crap and I so feel like going to my mother in laws house and slapping the hell out if her! Who the hell is she to judge me and tell me im not sick that I am just acting like it. If I could have a drink right this minute i would ....... But can't This day cant get any worse........ :cry: :cry:

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    Dear Sandra C:

    People have said the same thing to me. You look so well and they don't believe I am sick. Sometimes I feel just awful, but don't say anything because most people, except here on the forum, just don't want to hear about it. I guess they have their own problems and don't want to hear me complain. Everyday I have to hear my mom and dad say, "Did you work today?" They already know I have my good days and bad days and that I can't work every day. But I have to tell them, "No I didn't work today or yes I worked today." Some times I just try and ignore what people say to me. It's the only way I can mentally and physically survive!

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    Default its hard

    at a point in time during my marriage my husband told me he was going to divorce me because i wouldn't get a job and now i think about it and maybe i should have taken that option. Its so much stress on me he wants me to work, clean, wash his clothes rub his back, cook. but what about me .... When i hurt and i ask it's like OMG he gets so pissed off .... when he is off from work he plays on his xbox 360 from 7 am to 12 or 1 in the morning this is all weekend Starting friday to Sunday he won't throw the trash........ cause he worked all week i should do it. im sorry i talking so much about my personal life but if i told my mother about this stuff she would have beat the crap out of him ......... im so stressed :bad-words:

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    Hi Sandra,
    I feel so bad for you. It is not right for your husband to treat you like that at all. My husband had the idea that he was going to treat me like that and boy did he change his tunes when I went and visited a divorce lawyer and tossed his ass out. He changed his tune real fast and begged for another chance. I gave him that chance and I told him that if he ever dared tell me I waas lazy or faking or anything he would be out permanently. He is very understanding now and that was 14 years ago. If I were you I would not put up with that crap for one nano-second and boy the mother-in-law would get an earfull and her sons belongings, but then again that is just me. I am in no ways telling you to do that. You do need to have a good talk with him and maybe take him with you to the doctor and let the doctor talk to him and express to him just how serious and debilitating this lupus really is. I had my doctor talk to my husband and that helped too. Here you sure won't get treated like that. We definitely understand how you feel. What is sad is that a lot of people don't realize how sick we are, because we don't look sick and that makes the Lupus that much worse to live with. Please keep posting as we do care for you and about you.

    Hugs,
    Kathy
    Lupus for many years. Like most of my life. Sjogrens that started at 35 and Scoliosis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteo-Arthritis of the spine, Ankylosing Spondilitis, Periferal Neuropathy, mild CP and now just recently diagnosed with PA. I had a disc replaced in December of 2007.

    Medications:
    Plaquenil, Sulindac, Imuran, Celiac diet, Tramadol and B12 shot once a month.

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    KATHY I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU .........SOMETIMES.... DURING FLARES I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO ASK MY DR THIS CAUSE THEN HE WILL COMMIT ME.......... BUT I HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS... I JUST FEEL LIKE GIVING UP I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANY LONGER. DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU.

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    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Hi Sandra,

    I read your words and they really hit me hard, because much of what's happening to you, also happened to me. I lost so much, family, friends, dreams. I had a day when I decided to give up, that I didn't want to be here anymore. I took it beyond just thinking about it, and I almost achieved it. That was the worst thing I have ever done to myself, and I was lucky to have survived.

    I want to tell you that there have been a whole bunch of good days since then, despite the fact that I live with Lupus every day. I've made friends, had wonderful experiences, and so many other positive things. I would have missed out on all of that had I succeeded in killing myself. I do have my bad days, so I won't lie to you. It's very hard some days. But I know there are plenty of good times yet to come, and I'd be willing to bet that you have a whole bunch of good days ahead for you.

    I know you feel hopeless. But that's a feeling, and it's not permanent. You are in a hole so dark and so deep you think you'll never see the light of day again. But I can tell you that you can, and will see that light again. Things can, and will get better. I understand your apprehension about talking to your Dr. about the suicidal thoughts. Do you have someone who you trust that you could talk to, a family member, friend, clergy possibly? If these thoughts persist, please, please talk to someone about it. You can always talk to us here, most of us are on here many times a day, so you'll always get a fast response for whatever you need to talk about. Please try to talk to someone locally as well. Someone who you can lean on for a bit. Just make sure if these feelings get stronger, if you are thinking about possibly hurting yourself, that you will first talk to someone about it.

    There are more than a few of us here who have had the same thoughts. You are not alone. Hang in their the best way you know how. Things will get better. Don't isolate yourself, and feel free to vent here as much as you need to. We understand. Have a good night, and I'll check back in the morning and say hello.

    Rob

    P.S. If you are more comfortable talking about some things privately, you can PM me anytime, or e-mail me. My e-mail address is at the bottom of each comment.

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    Hi Sandra,
    I just read your post. I will be very honest with you. I did feel like that right before I finally got diagnosed. I have not since then, because the doctor I saw diagnosed me and put me on medications and he also listened to me. I expressed to him that I was very very depressed and he put me on an anti-depressent. I did a lot of thinking about it and I realized that if I did end my life, then I would hurt so many people and shoot I would not be able to help anyone else that is trying to deal with this illness and I so want to help others to cope with this illness. You know there is no cure, but you can manage it. You need to see a doctor that will listen and work with you. Lupus runs in cycles between flares and remissions. You will have good days and unfortunately bad days. You have to figure out what works best for you and what your limitations are. Please believe me you can live with this illness. I have had it for 44 years at the very least. I have had some really good times and some really bad times. Please do not take your life though. Do not let this illness win. I am serious. I care for you and man I don't want to see anything happen to you. You are young and there is a lot that you can accomplish in life even with Lupus. I know that this is hard to see right now, but believe me it is true. I will be 50 in December. Quite honestly I am very lucky to be alive. Please don't commit a permanent solution to a temporary situation ok hon.

    Hugs,
    Kathy
    Lupus for many years. Like most of my life. Sjogrens that started at 35 and Scoliosis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteo-Arthritis of the spine, Ankylosing Spondilitis, Periferal Neuropathy, mild CP and now just recently diagnosed with PA. I had a disc replaced in December of 2007.

    Medications:
    Plaquenil, Sulindac, Imuran, Celiac diet, Tramadol and B12 shot once a month.

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    I have no words at this moment to express how I feel.......... NOTHING
    Why I don't know
    The boundaries which divide life from death
    are at best shadowy and vague.
    Who shall say where one ends,
    and the other begins?

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    Saysusie's Avatar
    Saysusie is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the Universe
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    Sandra......I do hope you are still online. As you can see, this entire community here cares about how you feel, understands the pain that you live with day in and day out, truly understands your debilitating fatigue, and boy oh boy do we understand the depression!

    You have every right to be angry..with your husband, your mother-in-law, with your doctor, and with this S@!@ disease which is at the root of all of your emotions. There is NOTHING wrong with your feelings, you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do. So many of us have been there and some of us still go there often.

    What I want you to know is that you are not alone. Even if it feels like everyone around you is judging you, criticizing you, and denying how you feel.....you are not alone. For every person in your life who judges you, there is someone here who values you...for every person in you life who criticizes you...there is someone here who admires you.....for every person in you life who denies you, there is someone here who believes you. If you find no one else whom you feel is in your corner, please know that every single person here (and we are a global family here) will always support you because we have ALL BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.

    Sandra, please let us be your comfort!! Please let us show you that you are not what others try to make you out to be. Let us show you that you are a brave woman who is living with a chronic disease; a disease that affects every single part of your body and if no one else can SEE your illness, we all know exactly what it is like to live with this disease and we need no physical proof to know that what you say you feel is the ABSOLUTE truth. You do not need a lot of words to tell us what you feel and how it affects you.

    Also, do not ever think that this world would be a better place without you. You have no idea how many lives you have touched in a wonderful way, and how your being here has genuinely inspired someone. I admire you for what you have gone through for so long and for your strength to be able to say "I am here! Listen to me!!" There is someone, right now, who is thinking about you and who is so glad that they know you. Now, to prove that you've touched lives, look at how the members here have responded to you with understanding, support, comfort, and compassion. You are valuable because you are Sandra. There is no one else on this earth who is like you. You are irreplaceable and you are very much loved by someone (probably a lot of "someones").

    You are tired of being in pain and being sick. You are in a low place right now. Let us help you to find your way back to a place where you can see the light. There are treatments that can alleviate some of your symptoms, let us help you find out what those treatments are. Let us help you to talk to your doctors in a way that demands that they take you serious and provide you with the type of care that you deserve. Let us help you to learn how to do some things that will help you to manage this disease. Let us help you to find a way to stand up to your mother-in-law and your husband without causing you additional stress. We are here TO HELP YOU. Please stay with us and let us do that.

    I am going to sit here and pray that you read my post and that you respond. I will wait for you.

    Peace and Blessings
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

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    Sandra I hope you feel better soon. I hope your husband didnt really mean what said to you but if he did you need to tell him how that made you feel and maybe consider that other option more seriously. My boyfriend also works and makes alot of money he doesnt complain anymore because I am in school but he has started with that whole rub my back when I come over after work and dont want to take the trash out for me but he has never made feel like I wasnt doing my part.
    I have many suicidal moments I know I wouldnt do it but it doesnt stop the thoughts. There was the few times that I got in my car and drove for hours because I couldnt remember how to get home. Once I wanted to just drive off the road and once I just thought I should just keep driving until I run out of gas. Its scary knowing that those thoughts do come and they seem so powerful. I dont tel my docs either because I spent enough time trying to get diagnosed with something other than anxiety and dont want to revisit those days anymore. I hope you find someone here that you can confide in on a more personal basis. You can also pm me if you need to talk anytime. Try to remember the more positive things and people in your life and focus on those until you can find your way out. As for your mother in law she sounds a little jealous she might need to hear a few colorful words soon.

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