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Thread: Hidden Depression.

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    Default Hidden Depression.

    Its been almost 2 years since my family has felt overwhelmed from the stress that comes alongside battling lupus. To this day, I have still have days where I have random outbursts of tears, or panic attacks. There can be days, or even weeks at a time where I feel like I'm trapped inside my head with a voice feeding me negative thoughts. Thoughts that come to mind that I know are not true, that are sometimes completely irrational and occasionally terrifying. These feelings I experience seem to be invisible to those around me. To others, there isn't a split second where I seem down or weak. I seem to have everything in my life together. But since the time when my family was nearly suffocated by stress due to the many changes and events taking place with my sister, I have never felt the same.

    I have thought about this probably far longer than I should have without telling anyone. Somewhere within the time when my sister was at her worst when coping with lupus, I went numb to emotions. At the time I was relieved, but since then I can't say that I have felt genuinely happy, or sad, or even angry. I can never smile at my friends and family without it feeling fake. I just can't help but feeling that I'm just simply depressed. I'm aware that you cannot self diagnose depression. But I think that all of the emotion that I suppressed from the past 4 years is greatly affecting my mood, and how I think. I have never even had a genuine conversation with anyone about what happened with my sister and family, let alone allow myself to feel any of the pain that I believe was only buried deep in my mind. I have suppressed those emotionally scarring events and have only allowed them to be hidden from myself.

    I had never thought that it could do any severe damage, but this past summer, there was a week where I just checked out completely. I was only in my mind, thinking nothing but negative and dark thoughts. I was scared, and felt completely detached from everyone else. As if I was spectating others or just simply watching a TV show. I hardly talked to anyone, even when they were clearly talking to me or asking me a question. I just chose to ignore them and continued on with my racing mind. My mind jumping very which way, telling me things such as, "They don't actually care", or, "The world would be better off without you" and even more terrifying thoughts like that included me driving off the road and crashing the car on purpose but making it look like an accident. At the time, I believed it. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that those things weren't true. A few days had passed and I was feeling a lot better, and more myself where I don't really feel much at all. I began to think about what exactly was going through my head that past week. I knew that they weren't true, and that I would NEVER go as far to harm myself. This is when I had begun to wonder if I was depressed. Even now while I'm typing it, it only sound like a ridiculous theory to me. But I want to be able to explain why my mind pushed me into that corner where I had those thoughts in the first place.

    I started to read articles about depression and anxiety and had only concluded that I'm feeling the way I do because I'm not talking to anyone or confronting emotions I have been avoiding. I had never thought that something that seems so far in the past could still be affecting me today. I don't believe that I am depressed, but I know I should talk to a professional about it, or at least my parents. I know that I am clearly not over what has happened, and all of the changes that occurred in such a short amount of time. I can't help but to feel like what I'm saying is just plain stupid. This isn't really any different than how I normally feel though. Most days I just have no confidence in my ability to do anything. Other days, I am extremely self conscious about my actions and overthink how everything I say may affect someone. I just don't understand how some days I can take something as simple as someone not saying hi to me in the hallway and escalate it as far as they hate me and would rather not have me in their life.

    I had just recently re-read all of my started threads, and I could barely get through what I had typed because of my excessive tears. There were many things written that I hadn't allowed myself to think for years. Details that I had made myself forget that were brought up once again along with the emotion. As I read through my posts, I had remembered every event so vividly in my mind. Although, now that I have calmed down a bit, I can say that I feel a little bit better allowing myself to actually confront my emotions that I haven't for a while. I'm honesty not sure what's going on in my head, and need to talk to anyone. But the issue is that I keep making excuses that I don't have time or that they don't want to talk to me anyways. Its so simple to use lack of time as an excuse while in college to avoid my problems. But right now I know that if I let them boil inside my head my situation can only get worse. Its just that I have never actually had a genuine conversation about my feelings without cutting out all the important details. I just need a third party to interpret what I'm feeling, because I have only proven to myself that I'm not always thinking reasonably or with a clear mind.

    Along with what I have said here, I'm also dealing with stress from my mother expecting me to always drop everything for her on the spot, which I cannot do because I'm in college and I'm just trying live a life for myself right now. She should realize that you can't guilt trip your son into lending her $2500 for a dying uncle and just never pay him back when I've made it clear to her that I'm trying to pay for school and an apartment (not including food and utilities.) So I only get that she could care less about my well being right now because of her lack of effort to pay anything back. On top of that issue, my sister is getting a divorce which has its own novel of drama along with that especially considering that they have a year and half old daughter involved. My other sister as well is still in an abusive relationship and also has a son with this jerk who treats both her and her son like they are worth nothing. That's not even including the problems that go along with my sister, KC, who has lupus and the fact that it is almost definite, but not confirmed, that I have lupus or a similar AI disease floating above my head.

    It worries me that I'm going to work really hard in college for nothing because if I do have lupus and it flares up anytime now, there is no way I could possibly go to school or pursue the career I want.

    I apologize that I went off on a tangent, but it does feel good to type that out and sort of get off my chest. To be completely honest, this is the most genuine I have been about my feelings to anyone other than myself. Please offer any advice or anything that you feel can benefit me.


  2. #2
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    if you remember when you first came to us ......
    it was recommended that you find a counsellor to chat to.

    we believed that this would be beneficial to help keep you balanced.
    and to minimise any chance for you to become depressed.

    from reading your post .....
    I presume you have not continued to see a counsellor.

    can I please put some urgency on you making this appointment.
    I have had lupus for many years.
    8 of them diagnosed.
    I see a counsellor every month.
    I need it.
    and I have a supportive girlfriend and family.
    (yes I am older than you)

    we need this extra support because our brain does not always work properly under the stress we are placed under.
    the longer we are under this stress .....
    the less likely we are to cope with it.
    the more we need outside assistance to guide us.

    it helps me .....
    and I believe it would help you also
    When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

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    Saysusie (09-07-2015)

  4. #3
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    One of the most common clinical manifestations of this disease is depression. In fact, clinical depression happens too often. From what you've said, it does, indeed sound like clinical depression. You cannot overcome this without some professional help and maybe even some mild medication. So, I am going to agree with, and stress what, Steve has said....Please seek out some form of professional help and guidance. If you go to your school's health department, they may be able to help you find someone who can help you for a nominal fee. They will also help you to deal with and manage your relationship with your mother.
    Like Steve, I am also participating in regular therapy to help me emotionally while I fight this disease physically. If one is not taken care of, the other cannot be managed. It is imperative that we all do everything that we can to take care of our emotional health as much as we care for our physical health.
    Please, please, do this immediately and let us know how you are doing. In the meantime, know that you can continue to come to us as we will be here for you as much as we can and will help you as much as we can. I wish you the very best.

    Peace and Blessings
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

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