My mom is again in the hospital with Pneumonia. Thursday evening, I took her dinner. She was sooooo confused and disoriented, she tried to eat a napkin (very funny in retrospect, but it really scared me at the time). She thought it was a chicken nugget.

The nurse took her temp and I kept telling her something was wrong with my mom and she kept chalking it up to "well, she's a dialysis pateint and sometimes that can really take it out of them. Your mom does very well with the lengeth of time she's been on dialysis"...Well about 11:45pm on Thursday night, I got the call they were sending her to the E.R.

When she got there, she was better then she had been earlier in the evening - alert enough to be mad at me for agreeing to send her to the hospital.

I also finally talked her into letting the doctors run a full Lupus panel of tests so we could see what it's doing. She has been refusing for the past few years - like a second denial or something. I haven't really pushed it too much. At this point, I don't think she's well enough to go through a treatment. But it might help to explain some of what's going on with her and what we can expect. It's sort of like groping around in the dark at the moment.

I never expected her to be like this. She's had this awful disease my whole life and I just never in a million years, would've thought that it would be able to knock her down so much.

Periodically, I talk with her and see if she wants to keep going to dialysis. We had talked about it when she first started going and how if things got too bad, that she could just stop going and decide when she dies. So far, she's taken everything in such stride and not let anything get her down. the last time we had that talk was about 4 years ago I think. It's completely her decision, but I wanted her to know that I would understand and support her no matter what she wanted to do, then or in the future. I guess I haven't had the talk with her in a while, because I'm afraid she will say she wants to stop the dialysis....and no matter how long I have with her, it will never be long enough. She's only 60 friggin years old, and she lives in a nursing home. It makes me so angry!