kemo again..just venting
Well I had my kemo/cytoxan whatever you want to call it on thursday. Cant seemt o shake the sick feeling. My hair is slowly pouring out my nerves are shot. I am trying to stay calm but my mind wont stop thinking about the future and whats to become of me and all this. Why is this so difficult. I am tired of constantly crying and wondering what drugs am I going to be on and when all this is going to be over and I can resume some kind of normal life without feeling so alone in this world. my chest hurts and yet I smoke here and there but it eases me. I am due back to work in a couple of weeks and I am scared to death. why i dunno. I want my face back from the prednisone and my body. My appitite is all screwy again just like before I went into the hospital. Ughhh is there no relief from the meds :cry:
It is quite ok to vent because we all can truly understand your frustration. I know that I often think that most of my ill feelings are a side effect of the medications and I often wonder which ill feeling is worse: the disease or the medications? Especially when almost every medication takes a period of time before you can see/feel the benefits. In the meantime, it is a hellacious period of being sick and waiting to feel better!!
I am assuming that you have the "moon face" from the prednisone, I know how depressing it can be to look in the mirror and not really recognize yourself.
We all want it all to be over, we all want to be able to go back to our lives and to not have to worry about flare-ups, pain, illness, etc. However, we all have been diagnosed with this chronic disease and, as harsh as it may sound, we will probably never go back to our "pre-lupus" lives.
However, we can make our lives better and we can maintain some normalcy. We just have to be willing to make those lifestyle changes, work with our doctors, take our medications and try to reduce and/or elimante those things that cause us stress (stress can make our flare-ups worse and/or make them last longer). It can be done and there are very many of us who have even, over time, acheived a form of remission. When this will occur depends greatly upon how you manage your Lupus, on your medications and how you take care of your body. The primary goal of treatment, medication and lifestyle changes is to avoid further flares and to get to the point where you can manage your lupus without major occurences. It can be done, I know all of the medications and their side-effects and all of the symptoms right now make you feel as if this may never happen. But, I believe that it can and that it will!! It will take hard work and fortitude on your part, but we are all here for you to help you make it there!!
You are not alone!
Peace and Blessings