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Thread: Girlfriend Has Lupus (SLE) Help!?

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    Default Girlfriend Has Lupus (SLE) Help!?

    Just wanted to share this and ask for advice if there is anything I could do to help her.

    I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months and it's been a rough month, I'm sure more so for her than me. I knew she had lupus when I met her originally but she had never had a flare, she said it was really mild. Everything was amazing in our relationship and I loved her so much, I still do. We were so happy, and then she got the flu which ended in a big lupus flare. She was in and out of hospital over this time and couldn't see me because she was so ill and wouldn't let me see her (we live about 40 mins away), she said she didn't want to me to see her while she was like that, which I could understand. She came out of hospital eventually with prednisone and other lupus meds and she still wasn't feeling any better and was slowly becoming more distant from me, she wouldn't let her friends see her either.

    She would start random arguments with me and then apologise after or be really short tempered with me. Not like her at all, she's usually so lovely and outgoing as a person. She talked about breaking up with me about a month after the flare started (I hadn't seen her for a month at this point). She said her health was her focus atm and she had no energy for a relationship but I said I would stay with her and I would give her any space she needed.

    She started uni again and she was even more distant and she was really having a hard time coping with a relationship and coursework and lupus.
    Eventually it got too much one day and when she snapped at me I asked her if she had lost interest in me and she said yes. Then I told her how I felt, how she never talks to me anymore unless I initiate and she wouldn't let me call or see her and would take her pain out on me by swearing and having ago at me. I told her she didn't deserve me and that she would make time for me if she really loved me (which I really regret, because that was unfair and not true at all, she was just having a rough time with her lupus).

    She did apologise and explained that she just had no energy for a relationship anymore and it's not fair she take it out on me and she feels guilty because she knows I miss her and she missed me but she can't do anything about it. I told her I still wanted to be with her and that even though I missed her and it was hard I still loved her and I didn't want to be with anyone else. I asked if we could meet one more time and if she felt the same way then I would understand (I said this because we've never had a bad time when we see each other, we are always happy together) but she said I deserved better and shouldn't wait out for her.

    She said I could still keep in contact when I asked and that when she's better, if I'm still single she would still want to hang out with me. I was upset but I could see that the relationship was just too much for her while she was ill. I think she thought that she was a bad person because she took her pain out on me so I wrote her a long message to tell her that she isn't a bad person and she'll always be the person I fell in love with.

    I still text her a few times a day just to see if she's ok and tell her about random things that have happened in my day. I was going to try to message less since we aren't in a relationship but she said she doesn't mind the messages. The thing is even though we are broken up, I still love and care about her and I don't want her to feel alone, especially while she is fighting this. It's so difficult because part of me thinks I should move on and just stop messaging her because it makes me miss her more but I still want her in my life, even if it's just as a friend for now.

    I just miss her so much.

    Any advice on how I could help her or comfort her would be great? Or if I should message less or anything?

  2. #2
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    it is possible, and quite normal that every person has a slightly different set of symptoms form lupus.

    our body reacts slightly differently, to the next person.

    but one thing that is unfortunately quite common is ....
    that many of us have problems with emotions.
    for many of us, our feelings are either on or off.
    there is no 1/2 measure.

    it is possible that this is what is happening to your girlfriend.
    I lived with my wife for 6 years before we were married.
    we lived together for 14 years after our marriage.
    but my lack of emotion became too much for her.
    we are no longer together.

    it was not the only reason for our separation .....
    but it was a big extra that swayed her mind.

    doctors do not acknowledge this as a side effect ....
    but many of us have similar stories to tell.
    maybe .... if you can accept it .....
    time and friendship will help both of you adjust to her new normal.
    she probably does not understand what is happening to her.
    it was only after a few years of reading others stories that I put it all together.
    When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

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  4. #3
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    Thank you for the reply, it definitely helps to talk about it and get my feelings out.

    I think it is likely that she might be struggling with emotions. I remember when we first started seeing each other she told me she cried in front of her friend at the thought she might ever lose me and I spoke to her yesterday to see how she was doing with the breakup and she said she's just blocking it out but I have no idea how you just block it out. There's no way I could really understand what lupus is like for her so it's unfair for me to presume anything but I've honestly never felt so miserable and alone in my life since the breakup, she was my first love even though we're both 21 this was my first really serious relationship and I've been struggling so much with the breakup. I really wish I could just block it out but is that even possible? I mean you are either sad or you aren't but I guess she probably has enough to think about with dealing with her health and her uni work as well.

    Speaking to her yesterday did help me a bit though. It wasn't really fair I messaged her about how bad I was feeling but I just didn't know who to turn to, she was my best friend as well as my girlfriend. She just listened and told me it would get easier and that she still wanted to be friends with me.

    In a way I really want her as a friend still and I want her to know she's not alone while she's going through this but at the same time it's really hard to keep talking to her because I feel like I'm still holding on to the hope that one day she will get better and we can be together again. Or if she found someone else and I was still in contact with her I feel like that would just break me. Although I'm sure she's not thinking about a relationship for a while, she said she just didn't have the energy for a relationship atm with her health which is why she broke up with me.

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