I am CRUSHED to say the least, I can't say I wasn't really expecting it. Something was telling me to get prepared for it. Last night I went to church, (and I'm sorry I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't have any religious beliefs) but I really concentrated on praying and asking the Lord to provide me with an answer as to what should I do about work. It's getting harder and harder to perform and the quality of work is definetely lacking. I heard him tell me do not be afraid I will carry you, and I started sobbing, I was really emotional.
Anyhow this morning my boss wanted to meet with me concerning my "work performance" she was praising me on how great I am and how much my clients love me, and how much I do for them and how much she loves having me here....yada yada yada! Then she proceeds to tell me I have no time left and she knows its not being used frivolously because I need to take it and i'm entitled to it, but that me being out that much impacts on my work performance because I don't have that much free time to focus on my cases. ALL my cases are completed, it was just a matter of sending out closing letters on about three cases, which I had reasons for not doing so...

Filing for SS has been on my mind for quite some time, I have an apt scheduled to talk to my primary and my rheumy to get their professional opinions. I need to figure out exactly what I would be getting, and I need to figure what I would to to get insurance for my family. This is not something I would do blindly.

I feel betrayed this is something that I want to come TOTALLY from ME, lupus has taken everything else, let me decide if and when going on disability is right for me. Ive worked since I was 14, It would mean facing the fact that I can't work anymore and being the main financial provider as hubby earns ALOT less is really stressful. Besides it makes me feel useless and no good. I have to learn to deal with those feelings, and more importantly I have to learn to trust God completely.

I AM SCARED! I know how companies are, they want whats convenient for them, and if they want me out, which breaks my heart because that was never expressed. This was a family place and such a great place to work for. They'll get me out.