I've come for a moan...
I'm really miserable. It seems life keeps throwing things at me and I just can't get on top of it. I just have no motivation anymore...what's the point? My body just sucks.
I think I've been flaring for a few months. I know I pushed it through summer so maybe that's why I'm paying for it? I also missed a week of hydroxy, so maybe that has set me back. My vasculitis is now coming up again, first time in years. I have no energy. I'm not eating right (if I'm struggling emotionally I find it hard to eat...my counsellor says I'm punishing my body). I feel so useless. I look in the mirror and I am grey, which isn't helped by an olive tone to my skin probably caused by the hydroxy. I don't want to do anything, everything leads me back to this place, sitting on the sofa, pointless and empty.
I've been getting one infection after another. I had a dreadful water infection last week...so much pain. I can't shake thrush for more than a few weeks. I never feel well.
If I still feel like this at Christmas then the dr has said we can try cellcept. Am I really at the stage where I have to give in and take chemo medicine? Is this me now? Is this it forever? How do I keep going like this...Inbetween looking almost normal and being completely stuck on the sofa.
And the guilt!! My family have to work around me and my poor husband is filling the gaps I am leaving. I started this week thinking maybe I would try and see the time I have to myself as a blessing (like Paul in the bible....an affliction with purpose). Nice idea....
Sorry for the moan.