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Thread: What to expect in relationship..

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
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    Default What to expect in relationship..

    My boyfriend of 4 years tested positive on an ANA test yesterday that was done due to an inflamed retina. We are going to meet with a rheumatologist (?) tomorrow to discuss lupus. His mom has lupus, and 5 of the people on his mom's side have been diagnosed with autoimmune diseases. He is still really young and looks to be in great shape, but he has a lot of joint pain (sometimes so bad he can't walk).

    I'm very afraid on the effect this might have on him psychologically. He told me if he was officially diagnosed that I shouldn't stay with him; I know all he can think about is that he will end up like his mom (who is always in major pain and is heavily medicated daily) and his future is gone. I will never leave him, but I also don't know what to expect if we do find out he has lupus. What can I do to help relieve some of the stress? How can I convince him that I still love him just as much? What are the chances of him ending up unable to do day to day things because of pain? Will raising children be difficult? We both work full time so financially we're okay, but what are the chances he could end up unable to work? He doesn't want to tell anyone yet, since he has no official diagnosis, which is why I came for support here...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    pinjarra, western australia
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    testing positive with ana, is an indication there is some inflamation in his body. the retina could explain this reading.

    knowing his family history ..... he has a high chance of having some form of auto immune disorder.
    his joint pain could be rheumatiod arthritis, (an auto immune disorder).

    so it is possible he does not have lupus.
    only testing can confirm this, and sometimes it takes a very, very long time to get a diagnosis.

    we have asaying on here .....
    "do not borrow trouble"
    please try to help him, not worry about what he cannot change.
    untill he has further tests, anything is possible.

    quite often .... the earlier the diagnosis .... the less damage has been caused.
    so there is a greater chance that he will not have the complication s his mother has.
    When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to steve.b For This Useful Post:

    Saysusie (11-26-2013)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    San Francisco Bay Area
    Thanked 6 Times in 3 Posts


    So sorry to hear that your boyfriend is worried that his symptoms may be indicative of lupus. The thing is that everyone's case is different and as steve pointed out, earlier diagnosis is helpful for mitigating the effects of whatever he may be experiencing.

    I don't presume to know the state or strength of your relationship but it's understandable that he's scared, especially seeing what his mother has to go through. My biggest piece of advice is to encourage him to be honest about how he feels and for you to be there in a way that is meaningful to him, whether emotionally or physically, whatever he needs at that point.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to redstringsoul For This Useful Post:

    Saysusie (11-26-2013)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Thanked 30 Times in 19 Posts


    Two of the best parts of my experience with my support system was that I waited to tell people about Lupus until I had more of a handle on my diagnosis, and what that meant to me. I needed to do my own research, deal with all the meds and info on them, and deal with how the disease affected me, and what I had set for myself as expectations, and what had to change in relation to my life expectations with my diagnosis. It was a lot easier to do this without all the outside influences making remarks, that while caring, were dismissive, or overly pushy (about some "cure" they read), or just rude and insensitive.
    The other part that was helpful was that my partner got involved. Started going to all the appointments with me, learning about the things I deal with, and about the disease and possibilities too. Sometimes my partner forgets I'm sick, but thats because I do my best to look/act normal on the okay days. So, learn with your boyfriend, and learn what Lupus (if it is Lupus) is like for him. You'll want to help, but sometimes that can even be too much. I had to deal with the mental loss of my independence, and the loss of my pride in asking for help. It is hard to allow someone to watch you go through those losses. He may need you, but also want to push you away to save a bit of dignity. So do you stay or go? Do you help or let him struggle to do things himself so he can hold a bit of the independence? I'm not sure there is a right answer for every situation. Patience, understanding, and time will be your best friends!
    There is a forum thread at the bottom of this site that is for caregivers. They may be better able to offer you stories that are meaningful with bits of advice as another option. I hope for both your sakes the doc tells you whatever he's got is an easy fix, and then you won't have to use advice from this site

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