...it's not even particularly lupus related...
I'm stressing. I don't deal with emotion well, any kind. I like stability, constancy and predictability (so why the heck did Lupus choose ME?!)
My brother is visiting and staying with my other brother. They have loads planned...detailed itinery, all of which is joinable (none of which is centred around me and my little family). I shouldn't gripe, it's not like I go out of my way to stay in touch with him. It still hurts me that he moved so far away and cos I don't deal with emotion I can't really talk to him...I'm still at the stage where I just want to yell at him that he HAS to come back (like a ten year old would....or maybe a 3 year old)
I can't keep up. I can't afford it (financially or energy wise). It's just not in me. And then my dad has moved to be with him. He speaks to me often, but he talks to my sister in laws all the time...but not me. I'm nothing special anymore....not like he wanted to hang around or anything.
And I don't have the energy to make myself indispensable. I have locked myself away making my life controllable, but stuff that isn't still bothers me. Am I not all that important because I don't make enough effort? Or am I just generally not worth the bother? I don't think I really need the answer (sadly because I'm scared what the answer will be)
Ok, we'll I'm crying now, so that can only be a good thing since I find that so hard to do. Thanks for listening. Being ill for so long (22 years now) can make life a little more complicated and the best of us a little screwed up sometimes.
On reflection, maybe my bro is waiting to be invited over......
When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You know Jayne , I'm shy; I don't like getting out of my comfort zone. But sometimes when we crawl into our holes, it gives others the signal that we want to be left alone. Yes, it's hard and only when we realize how lonely we are and how we miss family do we get upset.
It might help if you called your brother and asked if the 2 of you could just talk to a bit. Tell him how and why you feel the way you do. Maybe he will surprise you.
Hugs from me to you.
I've talked to my brother and he has invited me out to a theme park with him and his wife on Thursday...another thing that I'm scared I won't have the energy for...yet I have been invited. So I have to decide whether to make the most of him being here and go (despite how knackered I will be) or whether I stay home on my physically non-challenging sofa and miss out?
I'm hoping my husband can get the day off work, he's my safety net! He gets it when I have to stop, he's kind when he makes me take a rest for half hour.
I also talked to my brother about my dad not ringing me...he looked confused and then said "But dad rings you every day and you don't answer, I've seen his eyes fill with tears and he tells me that you won't answer his calls"
Looks like our phones have complicated it...the phone rings, we get five rings to pick up, if I don't get it the machine picks it up, or I assume someone else has answered and that it's a nuisance call...only that's what the rest of the household thinks, so sometimes no-one answers, no-one hears the machine kick in and dad doesn't leave a message so I never know he called.
It was nice to think he has been calling me, tho I feel bad for how disappointed he must have been feeling.
We had a wedding yesterday, it was a fair few hours drive and then we had to drive back so I went to bed at 2am. I can't push myself like I used to...well, sometimes I can, but it's taking me longer and longer to recover.
I will have to learn more effective management.
Thanks for listening Steve and nonna. I appreciate it! Sometimes I just feel alone....I'm not, but I feel it.
AWWWW, Jaynie I SO "GET IT"..YOU sound so much LIKE ME..Wanting "stability", questioning your "worth" etc....It sounds like from your last post though that you DID get some "issues" resolved/figured out..WOO HOO to THAT! AND, YES, "manage" yourself/health better...Its HARD I UNDERSTAND..BUT YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!! WOO HOO to JAYNIE!!!!! LOVE and HUGS to YOU because YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!!
We Live in a MORTAL, FRAIL, IMPERFECT world in which the word "FAIR" doesn't always apply.Make EVERY MOMENT COUNT with the ones you LOVE because it can end in the blink of an eye. Love, Jeannette
Turns out my dad HAS been ringing me almost every day. My machine keeps answering it, but my dad wasn't leaving messages. That feels SO much better.
My brother and his wife have gone back to Canada, but not before we talked a few things out and I am making more effort with my older brother to stay in touch and see his wife every week.
I can't wait for a rest. I am So So tired. I seem to be coping as long as I get into bed nice and early...can't wait for a day off!....TOMORROW!!!
I'm glad it's working out for you. My twin and I have a bad relationship and I wish we didn't. She constantly makes me feel like i'm a bother to her when I make plans to hang out with her and gets mad quickly when we have to plan around my lupus. She will drop everything she is doing to be there for her boyfriends family but couldn't care less what happens to my mom and I. I do a lot of little things for her like make sure when I cook make extra for her and involve her in things my mom and I do but when ever I see it she rushes through our visit and is mostly on her phone the whole time. I try to text her just to say hi but she never answers and I stopped calling her because she told me in a fight one time that she purposely doesn't answer the phone if I call.
So i'm glad it's all working out for you!!