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Thread: DEATH and the REALITY of it

  1. #11
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    Ruziska, I FELT YOUR HUG it was so BIG, THANK YOU. Kim, SO SORRY for the FEAR you live EVERY DAY, my HEART goes out to YOU. Shelly, THANK YOU for the prayers, SO SWEET. Debbie, THANK YOU for "being here" for ME, its so COMFORTING to here. I FEEL ALONE at times. BonusMom, Im so sorry you can relate to my pain. UGH You made me cry HARD just now when I read "he didnt love himself". YOU are RIGHT. I hadnt thought about "that". I think (KNOW) I havent wanted to "face it". It TEARS me apart knowing it. OMG! the frigin PAIN!!!!!!!! It hits SO HARD and I LONG for my Papa!!!!!! He was so depressed and family and friends have been telling me how much worse he was because he was worrying about me all the time. UGH PAPA! I think, "if he was so worried, WHY would he make me go through this DAMN IT!!!!" He DID chose, he TOLD people..... HOW CAN I BE "OK" with "that"? Oh Nonna, I WISH you couldnt relate either. SO SORRY...... YOU are in myHEART. THANK YOU for the BIG HUG......
    We Live in a MORTAL, FRAIL, IMPERFECT world in which the word "FAIR" doesn't always apply.Make EVERY MOMENT COUNT with the ones you LOVE because it can end in the blink of an eye. Love, Jeannette

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    Oh Carlotta, I cant THANK YOU enough for the words you have chosen and what you have said to me. YOU are DEAR to ME and I have always told you this BUT now, through this PAIN, I mean it MORE than EVER..... I WAS EMBARRESED to "share". I cant lie, I was afraid of "rejection" as well. I have gone my WHOLE LIFE covering things up, not telling anyone "things", putting on the "happy face" for those around me while Im feeling "DEAD" inside....... you keep your "secrets" for fear of not being "liked" or "accepted" by those you CARE ABOUT and LOVE/LIKE....... My own mother too is an alcoholic, as well as my sister. I LITTERALLY am the ONLY SOBER person in my family (outside of Carl and the kids). Ive had SO MANY "issues/problems" with Karens (mom) and Dawns (sister) alcoholism that they are no longer in my life either. Havent been for yrs. They chose and it HURTS. But Im at peace with "that" (Dawn and Karen). I was so CLOSE to Papa it made up for Dawn and Karen being a "mess" and not being in my life. I even TRIED getting Karen HELP for her problems BUT i soon realized through so much pain that I CANT CHANGE HER. I forgive her and Dawn, thats how I have moved on. They are ill and I am sad for them..... BUT, I have this feeling I am trying to "deal with" of "abandonment", especially NOW. Papa chose to "leave me" now too. Him and I had a relationship I thought I could never have considering my childhood. He and Karen physically and emotionally abused my sister and I growing up. Alcohol and abuse.......BUT, my papa cried and cried and asked for my forgiveness when I was pregnant at 17. I forgave him and we moved on AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH FOR THAT. He FELT REMORSE for what he did and I felt "that" from him. It was easy to forgive. We grew EXTREMELY CLOSE after that. He gave Ashleigh (my daughter) what he couldnt and didnt give me as a baby/child. I could tell it made him feel good and THAT made me SO HAPPY for him.....

    I AM SO SORRY about your mother Carlotta. UGH huh? WE CAN DO NOTHING, it has to come from THEM and you feel so helpless dont you..... Its sad shes in denial, so sorry... I CANT SAY IT ENOUGH. Unfortunatley, my papa DID KNOW he was sick. He said it all the time. "I know Im an alcoholic, I want to be" he would say. UGH IT HURTS either way doesnt it.......... I hope one day your mother WILL change her vicious cycle she is in. Not just for herself BUT for those who love her..... YOU ARE IN MY HEART in so MANY WAYS Carlotta. THANK YOU and LOVE YOU XXXOOO
    We Live in a MORTAL, FRAIL, IMPERFECT world in which the word "FAIR" doesn't always apply.Make EVERY MOMENT COUNT with the ones you LOVE because it can end in the blink of an eye. Love, Jeannette

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    You are so right, there is nothing that we can do to help those who are in the clutches of alcohol and drugs. My family is much like yours, there are more members who are addicted than there are not. My brother and I feel like we are the only sober people in our family. My mother gave my son his first drink of alcohol when he was 8yrs old (I don't think I have ever forgiven her for that). She got him "DRUNK" on beer at the age of 8!! Can you imagine a grandmother doing that to her grandchild??? She thought it was funny!! She was babysitting and when my husband and I arrived to pick my son up..he was throwing up drunk. We were mortified and enraged and my mother couldn't understand our anger because she thought it was funny!! By the way, she was drunk too! I never allowed my kids to spend the night with her again.
    Subsequently, my son ended up with an alcohol problem (he has been sober for 11yrs now). So, I do have a lot of resentment against my mother and her alcohol use. I am not even sure if I still love my mother and I know that this is a horrible thing to say.
    I was once embarrassed to talk about my mother's addiction and/or my son's. However, I have been through years and years of therapy and have learned that; Everyone has a story and we all are living with some type of dysfunction. So, we are never alone, rarely judged, and always accepted and embraced by someone who understands and cares.
    You are a part of our family here and you are especially dear to me. We have been friends for quite a while and I have always held you in my heart. You have a loving spirit that I have always found comfort in and admired. So, THANK YOU for being who you are and for always caring about me! Warm hugs coming your way filled with kisses!

    Peace and Blessings
    Namaste
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

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    OMG Carlotta! I CRIED when I read your post! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU for being who YOU ARE as well. I battle my self esteem because of growing up how I did. Marijo (Oluwa) has been WONDERFUL through this all. Her losing Bola and our friendship made me reach out to her, shes AMAZING...... Anyways, she keeps telling me to BELIEVE in myself and who I am.... Shes right.... Its still a struggle alot of the time though.....To HEAR you say what I am to YOU and who I am to YOU WARMS ME TO THE CORE...... I KNOW that I struggle with BELIEVING in myself because of that feeling of ABANDONMENT by BOTH parents (dad never made me feel that way since we grew closer over the yrs BUT I FEEL that way now from him since his death). Even my sister and I have NEVER beeen close.....WE are 2 VERY DIFFERENT people in our personalities and she is an alcoholic.....THAT I cant have a relationship with..... I am and always have been SOBER......I feel like "what have I done wrong?" or "am I not important enough?" , "why am I not important enough?" ..........Karen(mother) told me yrs ago during one of our MANY disagreements, "Jeannette, I only have 1 daughter, I took you out of the will"........ OK, see ya BYE....... I honestly am "OK" and at PEACE about her and Dawn BUT it doesnt take away that feeling of "not being ENOUGH"....... I let myself have a "pitty party" when I NEED to BUT then I MOVE ON because it does me no good. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE....

    OMG, your son at 8!!!???? WOW! SO SORRY! I totally RELATE. I cant tell you how many times Karen laughed at the most AWFUL things she SAID or DID to my family or I.... Crazy and irrational, RIGHT?...... MESSED UP is more like it. BUT then if you remember WHO you are dealing with, it makes "sense". Your mother sounds so much like Karen and the things she has done over the yrs before I FINALLY cut her out of our lives for good. (It was on and off for so long because I YEARNED for her to be the mom I finally realized she will never be and has never been). My therapist helped me with the whole thing. I saw the REALITY of it all and I CONTROLLED what I was able to and let the rest go....... I had to, for my family AND myself.....

    Sorry for your pain through the yrs (and still) with alcoholics Carlotta. I HURT for YOU..... I UNDERSTAND YOU........ WOO FRIGIN HOO to your sons 11yr sobriety though!!!!! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE......................THAT makes me EXTREMELY HAPPY for you,him, your husband and anyone else who is in your lives it affected.....

    No, its NOT horrible to say you think you dont love your mother anymore. I GET IT. I FEEL THE SAME WAY. I stopped calling her mom a while ago. Like Carl said "she hasnt BEEN a mom to you, EVER, so how can you FEEL "it"....... SO much pain from her and Dawn.....My love went away LONG AGO. I dont feel any "shame" or "discomfort" saying it. Not when I KNOW what they have done to ME, CARL and MY CHILDREN. DONT MESS WITH MY KIDS...... YOU know THAT feeling. Do what you will to me BUT dont F~~K with my kids.......That has ALWAYS been a line if ever crossed by ANYONE (family or not) then we have some talking to do with one another......
    I guess I have a hard time with feeling like Im "ok" or "worthy" (however you want to look at it) too is because only about 1 1/2 yrs ago my dad called me drunk ( he usually wouldnt because he KNEW I couldnt talk to him like "THAT") and he told me something I NEVER KNEW. He said him and Karen felt such "guilt" and "sadness" that they agreed to never tell me (Dawn doesnt even know). BUT, he was wondering if my Drs could "use" the information to "help" me. UGH.... He said I almost died when I was born because Karen drank and didnt take care of herself during her pregnancy with me. I was in the hospital for weeks and they didnt think I was going to make it. He was crying so hard. I forgave him for not telling me. Not Karen though. THAT one Im having a HARDER time forgiving her for. I feel like "gosh, she didnt care ENOUGH about ME from the start, LITERALLY". Now I know why I have ADHD! LOL Didnt figure THAT out until a few yrs ago though! Adderall helped me FINISH a book for the first time in my life!! LOL GOTTA LAUGH, RIGHT!!!!!!



    We Live in a MORTAL, FRAIL, IMPERFECT world in which the word "FAIR" doesn't always apply.Make EVERY MOMENT COUNT with the ones you LOVE because it can end in the blink of an eye. Love, Jeannette

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    OMG! I should have just frigin PM you! LOL SO SORRY! I HONESTLY didnt know I HAD ALL THAT IN ME to purge to you! LOL Its AMAZING to relate to someone! ESPECIALLY it being YOU!!!!! It makes "this" that much easier. I will release you of my purging now! LOL I ADORE and LOVE YOU!!!!!

    HIGS and KISSES right back at ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    We Live in a MORTAL, FRAIL, IMPERFECT world in which the word "FAIR" doesn't always apply.Make EVERY MOMENT COUNT with the ones you LOVE because it can end in the blink of an eye. Love, Jeannette

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    this thread may be helpful ....... http://forum.wehavelupus.com/showthr...are-you-enough
    When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

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    Our vulnerability, our fears..speak of them. Stand in your truth and fear not to be judge...it sets your heart and mind free. As you can see you are loved in your vulnerability and all, Jeannette. I am glad you decided to share it with your friends here..WHL family. They will always uplift you, support you, love you through all of your life's adversities and just not your illnesses. We have more in common than just our illnesses. Hugs with love...Oluwa.

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    ((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

    Thanks for sharing your story. So sorry it was so sad.

    Jx

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    Hi Lucky7;
    I had to chuckle at your last post! How sweet and funny you are (lol). No worries about the purge, that is exactly why we are here and especially why I am here. We are, actually, purging with one another. I have never discussed what my mother did to my son or my ambivalence about loving her to anyone other than my therapist and my husband. For some reason, I knew that you would understand exactly what I meant and how I felt!
    I have lived with years and years of her saying horrible things and not taking responsibility for her words; and with her doing horrible things and not taking responsibility for her actions. Like you (how funny), I, too, have been written out of my mother's will. Now, I am not bragging, but the truth is (and I told her) that I am very well taken care of, I have all that I need and more, I live a wonderfully full and exciting life, I am in a beautiful home, I have an adoring and devoted husband, and I want for nothing...what the hell do I need to be in her will for??? She has absolutely NOTHING that I want or need! So, when she told me that she had taken me out of her will, I simply laughed and told her the above.
    I, with the help of years and years of therapy (and with the love and encouragement of my sweet Lauri), finally know that I am valuable and I am beautiful and I am worthy. If my mother cannot see this, then it is her loss because I have so much love to give. But, I will not be trampled on, disrespected, taken for granted, or made to feel guilty! The same goes for you...Please know and always remember that you are so very valuable to so many of us and, as I mentioned before, you have an adoring nature that I love and respect! You are more than you think you are!! Warm hugs and loving kisses

    Peace and Blessings
    Namaste
    Saysusie
    Look For The Good and Praise It!

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    I used to have a key ring ............... no one can make me feel inferior, without my consent. I think both of you two ladies know this is true.
    When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

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