Ruziska, I FELT YOUR HUG it was so BIG, THANK YOU. Kim, SO SORRY for the FEAR you live EVERY DAY, my HEART goes out to YOU. Shelly, THANK YOU for the prayers, SO SWEET. Debbie, THANK YOU for "being here" for ME, its so COMFORTING to here. I FEEL ALONE at times. BonusMom, Im so sorry you can relate to my pain. UGH You made me cry HARD just now when I read "he didnt love himself". YOU are RIGHT. I hadnt thought about "that". I think (KNOW) I havent wanted to "face it". It TEARS me apart knowing it. OMG! the frigin PAIN!!!!!!!! It hits SO HARD and I LONG for my Papa!!!!!! He was so depressed and family and friends have been telling me how much worse he was because he was worrying about me all the time. UGH PAPA! I think, "if he was so worried, WHY would he make me go through this DAMN IT!!!!" He DID chose, he TOLD people..... HOW CAN I BE "OK" with "that"? Oh Nonna, I WISH you couldnt relate either. SO SORRY...... YOU are in myHEART. THANK YOU for the BIG HUG......