I'm posting this here because I feel it the most appropriate place for it-I feel that without faith & hope this as with any victory I gain, wouldn't be possible without belief in a higher purpose.
After the my recent back surgery (I was beyond devastated) and more recent issues I'd personally thrown in the towel.
For three years my husband and I have been trying to conceive. We have one healthy, perfect beautiful little boy who just turned six. When I'd found I was pregnant with my son-at the young age of 20-I was blown away. I'd just committed to a career change, was working two jobs & had just signed up for a two year program (again lol) at the college. I'd been with my now husband for about five/six years (young I know), we had a home together, but were facing rough waters. In fact I'd just asked him to move out in hopes that space could mend our relationship. My mother had taken me two hours up north to an emergency room-I was in horrible pain, and no answers were supplied locally. I will never, NEVER forget that trip lol after waiting hours, my sister that'd gone with has had suddenly taken a turn for the worse-and was about to be taken back-when the triage nurse called me back to a cubicle...but indicated that I must come alone. My mother's eyes were horrified as I turned to follow. When we'd arrived they'd checked us in & taken a standard urine sample. As I sat there the nurse's words didn't register. "You're pregnant" he said for probably the fourth time. "No" was all I could keep saying. He took me back to my mom-a walk I don't remember lol after getting setup with my own room back in the emergency department a blood test confirmed what he'd tried convincing me of. I can still remember my physicians face with upmost clarity. "No." I demanded it! It couldn't be right. They had to have some mix up. I was on birth control, we used protection...heck I couldn't even recall any normal relationship intimacy in months! I was so determined they were wrong, I MADE the doctor run it again lol and as I waited for the next result I cried. Alone, texting my mom that was at the opposite end with my sister, I bawled with everything I had lol I was so profusely upset that the nurses had turned out my lights & tried convincing me to rest. And then came back the leery doctor (I don't blame him now lol) and sat by my bedside in the dark, face lit up by monitors red & green blinking lights & told me that yes, I was indeed pregnant. And further I sank-not because I'd not wanted children, not because I couldn't manage it. But I was taking control of my life, going farther than I'd ever had the courage to go beyond. And so I made the dreaded phone call. I had to. Didn't want to, oh no lol I had to call the man that cried on his knees, begging at my feet-the man I told had to go and hadnt said another word in four days time-that I needed him. That WE needed him. By this time it was very early in the morning, in fact his alarm for work was just about to ring. I was brief, to the point "I'm pregnant. You need to come." And that was it. And he came, a 3hr from his dad's & within two he was there in my hospital bed. Life went into a whole different direction after that. A crazy, scary, yet amazing direction. We named our son William, Will for short....because he was most certainly God's Will.
If we have ever done anything stupendous, it is our son. He is our eternal sunshine. I prayed for "no" in that hospital bed. Lord only knows how many times I uttered it. But I have uttered a billion times more to keep that unanswered prayer safe, every single day. God laughed at my plans, but that's alright. He knew what he was doing!
So when we decided to try this time, we thought it'd be a breeze. We couldn't have been any more wrong. Months passed, and the years started tallying up. After the first year we sought help. My ob/gyn-the one who helped figure out my lupus-told us the struggles we'd be facing. He gave us a time frame-with how my sle & subsequent ailments have progressed. We found out about my clotting disorder, I prodded myself with low dose lovenox for almost another year. Nothing but heartache. Then came the injections. More months passed & I began to lose hope. We'd exceeded our window of opportunity. My husband kept faith, I however was just along for the ride.
If you've ever tried to conceive, I mean really tried...you can appreciate how much it can take out of you. It's not enough that every month you get your hopes up incase this is the month, only to fall flat...but the charting, temping, monitoring....well I was sick of apps dictating my sex life, my whole life during those three years.
So when we'd failed two months after surgery-surgery I knew would kick the possibility really out the window, I quit. Cold turkey. Maybe if I didn't want something so bad, I could have it. I sat there that night and deleted all my apps in bed. I unregistered all my fertility & ttc accounts. And then I prayed. I was pretty open with God, and I told him "lord, I relinquish this burden. I give myself to you. I'm not giving up hope, but I'm leaving this in your hands. If it never happens, I understand. I trust you. You got this." As cheesy as it sounds, it's what I said, all I could think to say. And I forgot. I didn't remember to care about it anymore. I freed myself from the depression it brought & I bounced back. Seeing pregnant women didn't eat at me anymore. I wasn't consumed by jealousy of swollen bellies or teetering toddlers. I was content. I was happy with what I had-something I should have been doing all that time.
In fact, id forgotten about it so much that I didn't realize that three months had passed without that normal defeat missing its beat. We'd been out camping for my son's sixth birthday a few weeks ago when everyone came down with the flu. I'd miraculously avoided it, or at least I'd thought until the day we came home. A few days passed and my "flu" wasn't going way, nor was it like everyone else's. I honestly thought i had west Nile or some funky thing going on, when I'd jokingly mentioned to my husband on the patio, that if I didn't know any better I'd swear it was morning sickness. He suddenly set down his soda and looked at me in a shocked sorta way "when's the last time you had your period?" I think I just blinked at him lol "it's been months hasn't it?" Here I was in la la, carefree land and there was my husband with a better idea of my cycle than I was lol I told him it was probably from everything from surgery throwing me off, after all it's happened before. I didn't think much of it. A few nights later I was still feeling awful when my husband ran to the store for me-it was really sweet actually, I'd been napping & he took our son & went and got a bunch of things to cook dinner, rented us a video & even picked me up flowers. And much to my shock, after he handed me the flowers he handed me a box of hpt! Now some men have no qualms about such things, my husband on the other hand...well he'd sooner die than be caught near that aisle let alone actually making any sort of intimate purchase no matter the cause lol I was flabbergasted & beyond amused! And it didn't end there, of course he'd gotten one of those nosey cashiers, that pretty well proclaimed his purchase to the entire store! Oh I was dying lol I don't think his face coulda been any redder with embarrassment lol he was GLOWING!
"Pee on it" he said as he shoved it at me. Of course I had to heckle him some more. Cocky was what I was. I'd been a pee on a stick addict for three years, this was going to be yet another negative, I didn't even give into a minute hope. And two seconds in....I screamed lol six hpts later I'd bawled, shook, called my mother & was in the throws of shock! And there came that familiar "no"! This couldn't be! Can't be! Impossible! An enormously high hcg blood test later....how? What? Huh?!? "You're REALLY, really pregnant." Said my doctor, and yet it still shocked me! Thursday we go for our ultrasound....and I still can't believe this is real. I feel like I'm dreaming, and someone's going to come shake me awake!
I'm sharing this because I feel like I need to. There has been so many, many obstacles that we have over come. So many odds that we broke through. So many impossibles that have come to be possible, that I gotta give the big man some open credit. God is amazing, and if I've learned anything on this journey, it's that with him all things are most definitely possible! Do not ever lose hope, it is the biggest, baddest weapon we can ever equip against any of life's struggles. We are the over comers.
Trust in The Lord. Give him your worries and He resolves them in his time. I need to remember that, thanks for posting.
That was a beautiful story and thank you so much for sharing it with us. Reminds me of something that I read..When God hears our plans, he laughs and then blesses us with his!
Congratulations of your pregnancy and I wish the very best for you, your wonderful husband and your beautiful family!
Peace and Blessings
Look For The Good and Praise It!