I feel like a big baby feeling sorry for myself. I need to vent I have know one to talk to. I just feel like know one understands. This is more or less directed at my sister I guess. She was dx'd with breast cancer about a year and half ago. She is doing great and looks great now. It was caught early but she's young 41 when it was caught. She elected for a mastectomy and chemo. It was very rough on her and her kids. She is a single mom to 3 teenagers. I never left her side. I was at every appt every chemo session I cleaned her house fed her kids took care of her emotionally and financially. And I would do it again.

I had a hysterectomy 4 weeks before she found out. Although I didn't get a visit from her during my recovery it kinda stung but I sluffed it off. It was an emotional time for me. I was 37 and although I knew the chances of having a baby was zero it was still hard to do. Her cancer took the baby blues away as her health was a priority to me.

It was shortly after her dx that I started having weird symptoms mostly the purple spots appearing on my right hip/back fatigue and pain. Because I was busy with her I didn't get it looked at for about a year. They would come and go. A host of other things as well. Now here we are and I have sle with nephritis. My kidney issues are not new but the dx of sle is new.

Now I know I'm not dying I don't have cancer but I don't feel good most days. It's one thing or another. You all get that. I hate the 6 pills a day I have to take probably going up to 9 here shortly. I hate the way they make me feel.

Last night she called and still most of the conversation was about her and her breast cancer. You see she works in a breast center so she is never away from breast cancer and its a part of her daily life and its important to her. I get that. It's important to me too. Anyway I can't totally relate but I can understand her fear about it returning. I want to be there for her and listen to her fears I love her she's my big sister and I need her. I don't mind listening I just wish I would get the same in return.

As we were talking the conversation turned to her medication causing weight loss and I mentioned to her I had lost a few pounds since starting cellcept. As I was talking she started talking over me and said she had to go she needed to call her son. My husband was staring at me and shook his head. I hung up and said what. He said how long are you going to keep taking it. Take what I said. He said her always cutting you off when the conversation turns to you. He said I know you need someone to talk to babe. I bust into tears. He's right.

He's gotten better. For years he said many times over its in your head your fine. He has come to several appts with me and now gets it. Well at least he says he does. I told him last night I didn't want to irritate him. He says you don't not anymore. I know as time goes on and with the right meds I will start feeling better and I know it takes time to get it right.

Constantly she is talking about what has been robbed from her because of cancer. Well lupus has robbed me of a child and took several from me. We have all been robbed of something in our life that's life. It's how we choose to deal with it. I am grateful, for what I do have as I said I am not dying. I am grateful for my life. I just wish on the days that it feels like to much I could get the same compassion from her as I give her.