I feel so guilty all the time, it's not like I can help not to because I know I can't physically do anything to help.
- I feel guilty that I don't play with my high energy 55 pound dog or take him on a walk.
- I feel guilty that my mom works all the time to support me and still does a lot of the cleaning
- I feel guilty that my grandfather pooped his pants this morning and there was nothing I could do to clean him up. I couldn't lift him by myself. He had to wait until his provider showed up at 1:30pm. I can't even look him in the eyes right now because I feel so bad that he is still sitting in his own feces.
- I feel guilty that I have student debt because I got sick and failed out of college.
- I feel guilty every time I go into my dirty living room or bathroom.
- I feel guilty every time I get a new medical bill that has yet to be paid.
I know this comes with the territory of lupus but I just needed to get that out. I kind of talked about it my mom last night about my dog and she brought up how it would be if I had kids. She's right, i'm sorry for you fellow lupus friends that have kids and have this guilt too that has to be hard.
I get it. When you're used to being a busy, fast-paced person, slowing down fills you with a lot of guilt- especially when it's so sudden.
Personally, I feel guilty that I can't make plans to do things. People say, "lets do this on this day" and I can't commit because I don't know how I'm going to feel. I hate forcing myself in to doing things and suffering. I feel guilty because I'll have to sit out of certain things. My boyfriend will go places and I'll stay home. I hate the way it makes me feel. I feel so worthless. I've had to take off work for the last few weeks and I feel guilty. I feel scared. Like I'm going to get fired. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I'm ruining my relationship because of illness and because I can't be normal and because everything just makes me so emotional and I cry a lot.
So, basically, you're very much not alone.
Guilt is one of the toughest of emotions to deal with. It can tear you down, and destroy what little self-esteem we manage to hang onto.
There are perfectly healthy people who default on loans, who don't clean house, who live their lives irresponsibly without care for others. What's their excuse?
You didn't ask for this awful disease. The fact that you feel guilt, tells me that you have had no other choice. You have a very real reason for the things you cannot do anymore-Lupus.
I have no doubt, that if we got a cure for Lupus tomorrow, that you would immediately set out to start doing the things you want to do-getting old bills paid off, helping loved ones, cleaning house, all of it.
And remember, being physically unable to help your Grandfather with his problem does not mean you don't love him and care about him.
You ARE NOT a bad person, not at all.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to rob For This Useful Post:
Saysusie (12-26-2012), tgal (12-26-2012)
I know Rob, thats why I wrote it down this forum because even though logically I know I can't that guilt will always be in the back of my head.
Originally Posted by rob
I know. Logic, doesn't always work.
Originally Posted by Mica
I learned everything I possibly could about lung cancer. I stepped up, and took charge when Dad got sick. I assured my family, and him, that he would beat his. I was always "the smart kid", so they all believed me.
He was beating it, but then, things went terribly wrong, and he died. I gave them hope, I gave him hope, and then one day it was all taken away. For me, that's my guilt. It's always there.
I hope that someday, yours will leave you.
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to rob For This Useful Post:
Mica (12-20-2012), Saysusie (12-26-2012), tgal (12-26-2012)
I feel guilty that my constant medical bills are mounting and mounting, taking their toll on mine and my partners finances. I feel guilty that I can't do the things I used to. I feel guilty that I'm not the person my partner fell in love with and I don't possess the qualities she fell in love with anymore. I feel so guilty I am considering staying in England (home) when we go visit and leaving her to come back to NZ and do everything she wants to do, carefree.
The guilt is always there when you have family or relationships. All we can do is our best; I feel guilt when I hear my daughter say- her predominate childhood memory is playing on the livingroom floor while I was laying on the sofa. Now I feel guilt because I don't have the energy to diet and exercise. I need to lose 100 pounds (american).
All we can do is our best
Guilt is something that we all deal with.
My big one is that I feel guilty that I can't keep up with my healthy hubby. I feel that I'm not a vary good partner for him any more.
He bikes 12 miles a day and always moves at a run. It makes me feel bad that I slow him down so often.
He's sweet and reassures me, but I still feel bad.
All we can do is our best, and I'm sure that you do that for your Grandfather.
I try to make it up to Jeff by cooking fantastic gourmet meals for him. It takes me all afternoon, but I make some nice meals.
I'm sure that Grandpa just enjoys having you around.
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to magistramarla For This Useful Post:
Saysusie (12-26-2012), Shine (12-27-2012), tgal (12-26-2012)