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Thread: I need opinions

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    Default I need opinions

    I know I have talked about this before, but I need opinions from you guys if you don't mind.

    I have had my license for about 7-8 years now and I own a car. My insurance is high, car payments are high, and gas is high, so being able to drive at all is a privilege these days it seems, to me.
    I have 3 other siblings, my 2 brothers drive, they are 26 and 22, and my younger sister doesn't at all, and she's 24. She says she is working on getting her license every time someone asks her about it and then gets angry (she's been working on getting her license for 3 years, how long does it take to read a damned book).

    I moved out of her place 2 months ago to live on my own because I was going nuts living with her and dealing with her baggage and her friends crap. I really enjoy being on my own again, its been wonderful so far.

    She takes the bus to work or walks every day because she doesn't drive and she has no choice. She used to ask for rides when she woke up late, or it was snowing or raining or even when she didn't "feel like" taking the bus or to walk, she'd want a ride.
    I am a person who is very scared of someone elses anger and I used to do anything to avoid it, so I'd give in and give her rides as much as I didn't want to.

    She barely asks these days but when she does, I still don't want to, and what happens is she lays out a guilt trap and says crap like "You should do something nice for me sometimes" or "It'd be nice if you did this so I didn't have to rush for once" etc etc.
    I don't even like driving MYSELF around but I did it because it makes life much easier and I can't walk for more than an hour.

    Now am I just wondering, why is ANY of those reasons my problem? Do I HAVE to give her rides just because I am her sister and I "should" be nice to her? She has helped me a lot in the past and I have repaid her for those times and there are ones where she says I don't need to repay her at all, but then she throws in the stupid you should be nice to me crap and it makes me feel like I am a bad person for not wanting to cart her ass around, Oh and then WAIT for her at wherever it is she needs to go. I've have waited as long as 2 hours and didn't say anything, because I knew if I did, she'd just blow up with anger.
    Now its not just her I say no to, I don't like giving anyone rides who don't drive themselves, I figure that is what the bus and your legs are for, or else get your license.

    What do you think? Should she stop asking me for rides and just take the bus or walk? I am so annoyed that she does not drive yet, and it makes me even more angry when she lays out those guilt traps...GRRRR what do I do? Any thoughts??

    I don't know why I even care that she's mad at me, but I do, because I don't want her angry at me over stupid things. I should be able to say no and not give a crap what she thinks about that but I always do.
    Last edited by Hunniebun; 06-01-2012 at 11:06 AM.
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

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    She just texted me again, she goes on and on with her guilt traps!

    "Well I got here early, after my appointment I guess I will buy Mcdonalds since I didn't have time to make a lunch, and then I guess I will walk to work in this rain"

    JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!! Who's fault is it that you didn't wake up early enough to have time to ride the bus and make your lunch? YOURS!!!
    What is it with people!
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

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    Hunniebun,

    After reading both of your entries I feel as though you already know what the answer to your dilemma is. If you do not want to give her rides, because from your post it seems to be a source of angst, then simply don't (I realize this is easier said than done, particularly because she is your sister). One way to look at it as that by not giving her rides, unless it is an emergency (think life and limb here), you are being nice to her because it serves as encouragement for her to work on getting her license.

    In my experience, guilt (and in some cases anger) is something people use to manipulate others, it is that simple. I say this because I had a similar situation with my brother, he lost his license and suddenly I was sucked into driving him everywhere...I finally said he needed to start calling his questionable, I mean "dependable friends". It was hard to do but the weight it lifted off me was well worth it. Hope this helps you out.

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    Thank you Samo,

    I already know that I don't want to drive her around, anywhere, especially waiting around for her. I offer sometimes when I need to go somewhere if she needs to come along too for something, but I expect it to be on my terms. What happens when I say no is she gets all angry like a child and she stays angry for quite a while until it passes, and it drives me crazy.
    She has anxiety about driving she says, and yeah I get that, but it doesn't mean she can keep using me, she has the bus and her legs, they will help her anxiety.

    I just wanted to know if I am a bad person for no longer wanting to drive her anywhere...And how others go about this. If I don't take her she uses her friends, and she also keeps my ex boyfriend around because he will take her places I won't too, its just disgusting.
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

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    Try expressing confidence that she's an adult and will figure this stuff out, like all capable adults do. You will give her a ride when it fits in with what YOU need to do. She is responsible for her own transportation, just as you are for yours. When you can help each other out, great - but that's a privilege, not an obligation!!!!

    An ADULT will not throw a manipulative tantrum when somebody doesn't make up for their lack of responsibility. They are simply grateful on the (hopefully rare) occasion when somebody offers to help them out of a bind. End of story.

    Sounds like she has some growing up to do. If you can stay calm and consistent and be polite but firm, you will do nothing but help her. You can't control her reactions, but you CAN control YOUR actions.

    Best of luck...family can be so hard!!!! :-P

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    Just let her suffer, I have a sister like this and have never taken her crap like that. I have found she just gets over it eventually so I just let her be angry at me and just stopped caring about her anger and guilt. Soon your just going to have to accept your sister is always going to be like that and not let it get to you. Sorry if it sounds mean but my stress level and anger decreased drastically when I finally just let it all go, I still love her but I have accepted the way she is and have not allowed it to get to me anymore. You are not a bad person don't you forget that too. Unless she paid you for rides I wouldn't cart her adult butt around when she can do what every other perfectly healthy YOUNG adult does. She is never going to understand how hard driving is on you and is always going to take advantage of you and screw with your emotions. It's not healthy to let it hurt you, she is still your sister and your always going to love her but it can be tough love. It's going to take a while before you can just how I say let it go but it will be better for you in the long run. Like hunniebun said only like emergencies. You are not her chauffeur, your her sister and being sisters does not mean you have to cater to her every whim. I understand what your going through and I hope things get better for you, instead of manipulation through guilt my twin sister likes to use my lupus against me.

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    Hi Hunniebun,

    You mentioned that your sister feels anxiety about driving. That's understandable, but it's no excuse for not getting a driver's licence.

    In my younger days, despite the fact that I initially had a real anxiety about flying in an aircraft with no propeller or engine, and despite the fact that I suffered from bouts of airsickness, I flew my first solo flight in a glider at the ripe old age of 14, and I earned my pilot's licence so I could take a passenger with me at 16. Why did I get my licence? I got it, because I wanted it.

    The impression I get in regards to your sister, is that she doesn't really want to get her driver's licence, despite what she may say to the contrary. If she really wanted it, she'd already have it. Be it from anxiety, or from the fact that having others drive you around can be very convenient, it does not appear that she want's to get her licence.

    Maybe a different tact would work. Try talking to her about how being able to drive will give her much more freedom, and empower her to control more of her own life. If she truly is anxious about driving, then the best cure is to learn how to drive. Make her feel like she's taking charge of this aspect of her life.

    Of course, if that doesn't work, you may have to just lay down the law, and tell her no more rides until she signs up for a driver's education course, and then, the only rides from you will be to and from the driver's ed course. Getting tough with a sibling, or any family member, is hard to do, but sometimes it's the only way.

    Rob
    Last edited by rob; 06-01-2012 at 02:30 PM.

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    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hunniebun View Post
    She just texted me again, she goes on and on with her guilt traps!

    "Well I got here early, after my appointment I guess I will buy Mcdonalds since I didn't have time to make a lunch, and then I guess I will walk to work in this rain"
    Tell her she should be thankful.

    Walking to work is the perfect way to burn off all the calories she'll get from eating a Big Mac, and since
    you already know that she's not made of sugar, there's no chance she'll melt in the rain...

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    Thank you SO much for your replies, all of you.


    My family is one big pile of severe DYSFUNCTION. I have been working on myself and getting help for all of this for a couple of years now, and I have changed a lot and found that my family members won't, and don't like change. Whenever I make a decision for myself, I get scorned.

    I had major anxiety learning to drive myself, but I beat it and I LEARNED. My dad was hard on me and I knew the only way I could get places besides the bus was to learn. I saved up and bought my first crappy car, and I paid for my driving lessons. She hasn't even taken the Learners test even once just to try it. She lied and said she did and failed, but I know its not true, she's never gone. The only times I ever ask someone for a ride is when I have no idea where I am going or when I am going for a Plaquenil eye test and can't see afterwards, I can't even see the numbers on the buses or read their schedules. I have severe social anxiety too, but I battle that every day when I go out and walk dogs, I have to talk to the seniors in the home because they always talk to me each time they see me.

    "The impression I get in regards to your sister, is that she doesn't really want to get her driver's licence, despite what she may say to the contrary. If she really wanted it, she'd already have it. Be it from anxiety, or from the fact that having others drive you around can be very convenient, it does not appear that she want's to get her licence."

    This is EXACTLY what I think, exactly. She lies, she lies all the time, almost about everything, to try to make things better for her and to get things going her way. She also pretends she is doing something to try to make someone happy or to try to get them to believe she really is trying. Trying to read a Learners manual doesn't take 3 years to complete. My ex boyfriend takes her all over and her current roommate has a car so she uses him too, or anyone else she knows who has a car, so she can go places. She's barely ever paid me for gas. I'd have her pay me every single time she's in my car if I could, because gas is so precious, that $10 for going out of the city isn't enough to fill my tank back up.
    I have tried talking to her about how a car will give her more freedom and she can take care of herself but she always see's me as the "mean" older sister, its gets SO complicated...Nothing is ever easy with her, NOTHING. She always thinks everyone is attacking her and when nobody wants to help her out she thinks we all hate her and don't care about her and its just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(That's what I do inside my head, I scream). Honestly when her excuses for wanting a ride are because she "doesn't feel like" doing something, I want to punch her in the face.
    I don't feel like having a couple autoimmune disease, but what's my reality!? Yeah that's right, no choice.

    I also don't want to give her rides because honestly I don't like her much, she is a royal pain in the ass and forgive my language, a real bee-otch.
    She uses guilt on everyone, all the time, she uses her guilt and her anger. She's been seeing a counselor for almost 10 years and she has barely made ANY progress, she's still the same.
    I have been told by a friend of the family that I push her too much. No I don't...I want her off my back and to freaking grow up and leave me alone.

    Our issues stem way back from when we were kids, and I've tried really hard to get over the stuff she's done and continues to do by letting go, but I always find myself wanting to defend myself when she makes allegations or insults me.
    I am also one that when I say no to someone, I want them to know why I say no, not just a plain out no, but in her case, from now on I have to try really hard to just say no, and say nothing further and ignore her if she starts freaking out.

    *breathes* I don't want to have to remove her from my life like I did my mother, but its slowly leading to that.
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

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    you love your sister.
    but it is not your job to be her slave.

    offer sisterly love and say no.

    i wish you well
    i know it is not easy.

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