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Thread: An Extraordinary Life...

  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by rob View Post
    Well, it's been over two months now since Dad died. I've been trying to move forward with the "grieving process", but I haven't made any progress.

    For the life of me, I can't wrap my head around the fact that I took part in the decision to withdraw life support. I had a hand in deciding the day and time my father would die. And then I sat there and watched the results of this decision. I held his hand, I watched him stop breathing, and I felt his pulse slow down and stop.

    It doesn't matter that we were doing this in accordance with his wishes. It doesn't matter that death was inevitable whether we took him off the ventilator or not, I still feel like some kind of horrible ghoul. I feel like I made a terrible mistake. What about miracles? We could have left him on life support and a miracle might have happened. Something could have happened. What have I done. I don't know anymore.

    I've never seen a person die before, let alone somebody who meant the world to me. I don't know how to deal with this.
    My dear Rob,

    My heart is aching, seeing that you are hurting so much. It is our heart that keeps saying, " what if", even though our brain knows better. It always takes a long while, until the heart and the brain finally agree.
    I pray, that you can find a way, to deal with all this.
    There is nothing I can say, to help you, because I have never been in your situation. All I can say, we love you and that we are here for you.
    Take care and find peace, my dear friend.

    Debbie
    I may have been dealt a bad hand, but at least I'm still playing with a full deck. ( most of the time anyway).

  2. #52
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    i am here to talk to, whenever you want to.

  3. #53
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    Rob...tight hugs.

    When we pray, we pray asking to heal, we pray asking to stop the suffering, we pray asking to make them whole again. Your Dad is all of these now. Believe that.

    Guilt is a natural part of the grieving, and the guilt comes from a variety of circumstance but it is because of all the ifs, should've, could've before they passed. Regardless of our decisions, even if we did the opposite those feelings would still rise. Ones' passing is never without guilt especially if the passing is from an illness. I even feel guilty towards Bola's passing. Guilt for different reasons..like why didn't I call that morning to tease him about the Christmas tree like I wanted to..maybe I could have delayed his time, the accident then would not have happened...guilt for any an all disagreements...thinking I may have wasted a second of his living life. Guilt still ensnares me, but not as great as it was the first six months.

    Two months is relatively a short time on this 'journey'...this part of life. They call it, the thick of it...the raw.

    Rob, remember when we 'talk..message'..it is all about the emotions outweighing your coping skills...emotions outbalancing logic. Not that death is logic per se, well in a sense it is because it is inevitable for all of us. But you need to find coping skills....for each of us it will be different. Maybe you need to attend a bereavement group for support, to find people like us. The hospital where your Dad was at should have meetings. One on one counseling perhaps. I belong to an online group and I did one on one counseling. Which has helped me some to put things into perspective so I can learn to accept Bola's death and all the changes that come with it. I contacted a psychiatrist to help me with the prescription drugs to tame my anxiety and depression down. My DR prescribed drugs were making my emotions worse or I would have physical side effects. Hopefully they will be able to find the right combination. Maybe a few months of a prescribed drug might help you to see things differently....

    For me, I tried to fix me...as if I was broken. You can't fix grief. You have to go through it and not around it. There is no set time..but they say it is what you do with that time makes a difference. So the circumstances that evolve around family, friends and the one who passed...the family, social dynamics is different for each of us as in what we do with the time.

    Rob, you followed your Dad's wishes...and he would not want you to feel guilty for something he wanted you to do for him. An act of love not an act of being a decision maker over life and death.

    Grief is love...without love we would not grieve. The pain inside is from love. We can lessen the pain without losing our love for them. Changing our thoughts, our perception of their passing, our losses...the day they died. Attaching a different emotion other than guilt to the day.

    I am a work in progress. I learn. I grow. My beliefs change...I am opened to that because I know Bola would not want me to feel like I do...and neither would your Dad.

    Be kind to yourself Rob, be good to your heart and mind. You are a good son and never forget that. Your Dad loves you and does not want you to feel guilty..listen to your Dad in your heart. He is telling you that.

    Tight hugs...
    Last edited by Oluwa; 06-08-2012 at 06:32 PM.

  4. #54
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    dear rob i am so sorry for what you are going through when my dad died my mum attended grief support groups and she found that helped. we all find our own way to grieve some take longer than others. it is my fathers birthday on the 14th and he has been dead 7 years and still it is hard just to get through the day. i know how you feel about life support i went through same thing after he died always beating myself up about not fighting to keep him on life support. not doing the operation. feeling guilty that there could have been a miracle. unless you have been there you do not understand. i cannot be there personally to help you with the grief but if you need someone to talk to who has been through same situation i am here anytime take care my friend hugs kim

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    Hi Rob,

    For what my opinion is worth, I think you are a very brave man. The right decision is most often not the easiest one. And it is never more true than in this situation. You took your dad's pain from him - and you are still holding on to it. He would want you to let it go now.
    Missing him is quite another issue. That will never stop, but you will get more used to it. You had a lifetime of love and friendship with your dad, that's what makes it hurts.

    Hang in there my friend.
    Brenda

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    I am so sorry for you and your family!
    Desley
    For every dark cloud there is a silver lining!
    Diagnosed: Lupus; mesenteric panniculitis; fat nacrosis;

  7. #57
    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    It was a couple of days before we made the decision, and I was with Dad, just talking, hoping he could possibly hear me. Some say that people sedated on a ventilator can hear, some say they can't. I just assumed that he could.

    There was a doctor, a "Hospitalist" was her title, who was in charge that day. I'd met her a couple times before. Really a sharp lady, and very honest in her words with me about Dad's condition. I really appreciated her frankness and honesty. Anyway, that day, she came in and started talking about the stories that were going around about my father, about his life, and his accomplishments. His life's story is like something out of a movie, almost hard to imagine. And you would never know it talking to him. He was one of the most humble, regular guys you could ever meet.

    I told the Dr. about some of the things he'd done in his life. And I told her about what kind of father he is, or now, what kind of father he was. On one hand, he was a strict disciplinarian. Yet at the same time, he didn't treat me like a kid. When I showed an interest in things he did, flying, shooting, he would never tell me I was too young, or that it wasn't for me. He allowed me to have responsibilities at a young age that most kids would never have dreamed of. As a man who grew up without a father, he gave me opportunities that he himself never had. His discipline and standards were very, very high. But the rewards for meeting those standards were even higher.

    I finished by telling the Dr. that he was not only the best Dad a kid could ever hope to have, but as an adult, he was also the best friend I ever had. The trips, the adventures we went on, were so filled with a sense of discovery, and with so much laughter. He was funny, and I mean really funny. In his obituary, which my oldest sister wrote, she called his sense of humor and practical jokes "legendary", and indeed, they were, but never at the expense of someone else.

    When I finished talking, I looked up at the Dr., and she was crying. I was so surprised, I didn't know what to think at first. She told me that she's seen many people as sick as Dad, and that most of them were all alone, with no family or friends to visit, or care. She said that the love between Dad and I was just so rare, and that it was something she hardly ever saw. I just thought that most every father-son relationship was like Dad and I.

    To think that only two months down the road that I'd start to be OK again, is unrealistic. I guess you get so tired of the pain, that you can fool yourself into thinking you're somehow past it. I know I need to find some outside help for what's going on with me. I'm going to start looking for that help, be it a counselor, meds, whatever I have to do.
    Last edited by rob; 06-09-2012 at 04:49 PM.

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  9. #58
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    I have no great wisdom to offer...I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody. But I am SO GLAD you had a Dad like him - I WOULD wish that for EVERYBODY.

    So for now, just (((((((HUGS)))))))) and I am glad you are reaching out with your pain. Let some of us help you carry it as best we can, even if it's just walking beside you.

  10. #59
    rob is offline Super Moderator Super ModeratorEmperor of the World
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    I've been thinking about all the different phrases and sayings my Dad always used.

    Whenever he got stuck in a slow moving line at the grocery store, and the cashier would apologize for the long wait, he would smile and say "Well, I figure there are already enough impatient a-holes in the world, why contribute to the cause?"

    After he retired, people would always ask him if he missed his work. He'd simply say "I'd rather be a has-been, than a never-was."

    Back in the early 60's when Dad made the big jump from local law enforcement to being a Treasury Agent in DC, the story is that my Mom would laugh and jokingly say that yes, now's he's a bigshot, and next thing you know, he'll be having an affair with Marilyn Monroe.

    When Dad was taken from the Veterans Home to the ER, we were told that he would have to be intubated, and that he will no longer be able to speak. We were told that this may be the last time we could ever talk. My sisters, my Mom, and I talked to him about many things. When the time came to take him and put him on the ventilator, my Mom asked him if he had anything else he would like to say to us. He looked at us all, and he saw the tears, and the fear in all of our faces. Then he pulled his oxygen mask to the side, and said "For the record, I never had an affair with Marilyn Monroe". We broke out into such laughter, it was just, unforgettable.

    Those were my father's last words. He was facing what he knew was probably the end, yet his concern was for his family, not himself. Making us laugh when he saw how scared we all were, was his final gift, and a perfect illustration of the kind of man that he was.

    I've never talked or written about many of these things. Maybe now is a good time to start.
    Last edited by rob; 06-09-2012 at 06:10 PM.

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  12. #60
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    dear rob i think writing about how you feel is a good thing to do start a journal go to bereavement groups or if medications helps take it. we all have different needs , i wrote a letter to my dad after he died i know you cannot send it but it made me feel bettter putting down on paper what i would have like to say before he died. they are some say they cannot hear you but some say they can when they were on ventilator i believe my father could because when i talked to him tears came from his eyes, i truly believe he new i was there. my father was also the comedian in our family and would make us laugh. my way of coping is on his birthday i cook his favourite meal. and at christmas atime he loved we place a ornament with his name on it on christmas tree and my daughter goes out side on christmas eve and looks to the sky and wishes her poppy a merry christmas. everyone copes differently with my father inlaw we planted his favourite flower in the garden. my heart is with you my friend hugs kim

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