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Thread: To move out or not to move?

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    Default To move out or not to move?

    To move or not to move...That is my question/struggle. Sorry, this might end up being long.

    Ok, I think some or most of you already know, that my sister who I currently live with, drives me nuts. Back up to the beginning of all of our problems and you start with my mother, a narcissist. Both of us, including our two brothers have suffered all our lives because of this woman, and we are pretty messed up adults today. We were abused by her mentally and physically, basically soul murdered, by her.

    Fast forward a bit. Before I was diagnosed in 2009 I had a job I really liked and a couple of other jobs before that. Life was going pretty well, it was decent and so was my income. Then my health changed and I had to give up my job, lost my boyfriend, my home, my independence. I had run out of money and I was too sick to work even though I tried looking for jobs but I couldn't find anything, never got called back for ANYTHING, so I went back to my last job and tried again, which was a big mistake. I had to go on welfare, and that's when I had an advocate help me apply for Disability which was approved Nov of 2010.

    I moved in with my sister and her best friend/girlfriend at the time (my sister is a lesbian). In the beginning it was fine, we all got along, everything was paid for and it was fine. Fast forward again to my sister and her girlfriend fighting EVERY DAY for months. My sister is also very unhealthy mentally, and treats me a lot like our mother treated us, but talking to her about this is impossible, talking to her about anything is impossible actually.

    We moved to a new building in April 2011 because we wanted to get a dog and the only way we could was by moving up to the street to a building who allowed our cats and dogs. We also wanted to move because of the very bad landlord who did not do her job, and our awful neighbours on both sides, across and above. We got Bailey, mostly as a companion for me and we still have her now. My sister broke up with her girlfriend and she left, and we were so tired of her that we both signed papers releasing her from the lease so she could move out, and we would carry on with the payments. It was way too awkward having her here, my sister would sleep in the living room while the other girl spent all her time in the bedroom and it left me stuck in my room as well because the whole house just reeked of AWKWARD before she left.

    Now fast forward to pretty much today. I go to counseling one a week to help me with my childhood abuse and to help me cope with the diseases I have. My sister went with me one morning because she also has a counselor at the same place, who she was to see at the same time as I saw mine, but it turned out her appointment was cancelled and nobody told her.
    So...She sat right outside of the room I was in and listened in on everything I was saying. I had been talking to my counselor about how hard it can be living with her, and how much she hurts me, and treats me just like our mother did, and that I wished I could live alone again to get my independence back and escape from the cycle of abuse. My sister has been in counseling for 9 years, and she hasn't changed so I don't have much hope that she ever will, or maybe she is doing the best she can and this is her peak. When I came out of the room after my session and we were leaving, she confronted me on everything she listened in on, and she was very angry with me, and didn't even care that she just completely invaded my privacy! I was trying to sort out all my feelings before I was planning on telling her anything, but that plan got ruined.

    She got really upset and of course we got into a huge argument and I was the one at fault for pretty much everything, the way it usually goes. That she is a victim all the time, that she "gives and gives and nobody seems to care" she says. Guilt tripping me...Yes she did help me a lot of these years, and I've thanked her for it, but I don't need to kiss her feet over it, or keep thanking her do I? She said she gave up a lot for me, moved out of our moms place "for me", which is bullshit, because she wasn't happy there and nobody could figure out why she moved there in the first place. She manipulates things and manipulates me and my feelings and makes it out so nothing is ever her fault, even if you catch her clearly in a lie, she still denies things. She is a major say one thing and do another type of person.

    I do not have the finances to move out comfortably...I get $866.75 a month from the government right now. I also make $440 a month walking and caring for an elderly mans dog 5 days a week, plus another $200 a month off another dog which I do not declare I make to disability, because they will deduct that money off my cheque since it is $100 over the limit of income we are allowed to make (only $500), and I need that money. IF I move out, I SHOULD (I don't know for sure) get $906 a month from disability. I don't get the full amount right now because they base it upon need, and since I have a roommate, they deemed me ineligible for the full $906, and just gave me $283 or something(I forget exactly) for shelter, and $531 living allowance. They do this so there is more to go around or something...I don't know.

    Based on that, should I try to live alone? I live in BC, near Vancouver, which is (so I heard) the most expensive place to live in the world now. I live an hour outside of it, in a city I'd like to stay in, and the cheapest I have found, is a studio apartment for $521 if you sign a 1 year lease, and all it includes in heat, water and 1 parking spot plus pets are allowed with a deposit. I don't really care about a bedroom I guess if its just me...The thing is, I have 1 cat and that little dog and I will NOT give them up. They are my companions and they help me with my depression and giving them up is like giving up a child to me, it just won't happen. So I am only looking at places that allow pets. I could find a place with all utilities included that doesn't allow pets and would save me money, but I'd be VERY unhappy.

    My vehicle also takes a big chunk of my cheque...But I am not able to give it up because it will destroy my credit and plus, it is also worth less than what I paid for it so I am stuck. If I could sell it then I don't have a car, and I have no way to do my dog walking or to get anywhere else besides the bus...Which takes way too long. I do the dog walking because I love it, I can handle it since its only 2 hours out of my days, and it gives me the exercise my doctor told me I need.

    My sister and I just don't work, and inside my mind I have decided that I want to live alone, but I am so afraid of money and not having it or something happening and I need it even when I don't have it.
    She is not kicking me out, but she's decided she'd like a new roommate or she'll move somewhere else, and I won't be going with her. My counselor has even agreed that its time I put an end to her abuse and be on my own so I have control over myself again. She has me trying to apply for subsidized housing, but the wait list for that is very long...And if they try to force me to give up 1 or all of my pets, I will refuse.

    Does anyone understand me, and where I am coming from? I am stressing day in and day out now. I have until the end of March to leave here, so I do have time but I just can't seem to make up my mind fully, unless I already have?

    What do you think? Opinions would be greatly appreciated, honestly I need all the help/ideas/support I can get.

    Tanya
    Last edited by rob; 01-31-2012 at 07:21 PM.
    "With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I am a survivor!" - Reba McEntire

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    I think you have already made up your mind that it is time to move on. Find a place that will take your pets because it sounds like you really need them. If you have to sacrifice to have piece of mind and a place of your own, even a Studio, it will be worth it. I live on a limited income myself and I know what it is like to not have everything I need sometimes. I go by priority and what I don't get I do without,or take care of or get it next month, if I can. If it's bills, I juggle them. It's not the ideal situation, but it is better than other alternatives I can think of.
    Last edited by DrinkofWtr; 01-31-2012 at 05:02 PM.

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    i understand your situation.

    when i was healthy, and before i was married, i used to live in different group housing situations.

    people evolve, they grow and change.
    sometimes we fall out of favour.

    if you have a relationship, it is hoped that you grow together.
    if you grow apart..........
    this is where you and your sisiter are at.
    it takes 2 people to want to change for any relationship to work.
    if only 1 person changes......... it does not work.

    i am sorry it is with your sister.
    family ties are the hardest to break.

    think about what is best for you.

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    Tanya,
    I understand. I had a mother much like yours, and the pain of that sort of upbringing just never goes away.
    It seems to me that you need to find the situation that will be the least amount of stress for you.
    I wish you all sorts of luck with finding peace and the best place for yourself.
    Hugs,
    Marla

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    I get what your saying, were the same age so I can relate a bit more. Luckily I have a great support in my mother but my father was emotionally abusive luckily never physical. Honestly if it was me I would move out, it is just you so a studio apartment would be fine. I think mentally it would do you good to have some of that stress off of you and probably help with your disease too to have a peaceful place to be. I truly believe if you and your sister lived separately it will help your relationship. My twin sister is just like my father it is scary we fought all the time and had lots of physical altercations between us. I was always the bad guy to her and no matter what I did it was wrong, and she truly believed that. When she moved out our relationship improved so much and when she moved back home for financial reasons she has been so much easier to deal with.
    Have you looked into financial assistance for bills, idk if things are different there, but here in Texas the state will provide help for food and bills when you need help. So maybe you should be looking into that to programs like that, not saying you need to use them but if there was a time you felt financially stressed than you always have a fall back plan. I also agree with your pet situation, this disease is horrible as it is and my cat just makes things a little brighter for me.
    I hope things get better and you find a place where you feel comfortable and healthy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mica View Post
    I get what your saying, were the same age so I can relate a bit more. Luckily I have a great support in my mother but my father was emotionally abusive luckily never physical. Honestly if it was me I would move out, it is just you so a studio apartment would be fine. I think mentally it would do you good to have some of that stress off of you and probably help with your disease too to have a peaceful place to be. I truly believe if you and your sister lived separately it will help your relationship. My twin sister is just like my father it is scary we fought all the time and had lots of physical altercations between us. I was always the bad guy to her and no matter what I did it was wrong, and she truly believed that. When she moved out our relationship improved so much and when she moved back home for financial reasons she has been so much easier to deal with.
    Have you looked into financial assistance for bills, idk if things are different there, but here in Texas the state will provide help for food and bills when you need help. So maybe you should be looking into that to programs like that, not saying you need to use them but if there was a time you felt financially stressed than you always have a fall back plan. I also agree with your pet situation, this disease is horrible as it is and my cat just makes things a little brighter for me.
    I hope things get better and you find a place where you feel comfortable and healthy.
    I seriously want to know where you are in Texas because where I am there is no help for anything. I think you have to be in one of the big cities
    Mari

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

    ~Winston Churchill~







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