I have tried to write this post for several days but close out before I finish/post it. Somehow writing it down makes it more real.

Those that know me well know that I have always refused pain meds. No matter how badly I hurt (and there are times I hurt very bad) I refused to get on the pain med cycle due to some abuse issues I had in my late teens. Logically I know I can handle them but it has been a risk I refused to take. This week I lost this battle.

I finally had to go on pain meds and muscle relaxants because 40 mg of steroids, plaquennil, MTX and a whole host of other meds just were not cutting it. They fixed most of the Lupus issues but not the pain part. I have been on steroids for so long that my muscles are not as strong and they are pulling and very painful. My joints have been killing me this winter and none of the usually things that I did worked anymore. I know it is wrong but I feel like Lupus won and I hate it. I know that I need them but it was the last control I had over how I am/was handling the disease. The turning point was not only the pain but the fact that between steroids and the pain my mood sucked. I decided I didn't like me anymore and I wasn't being fair to the fabulous daughter that I have by holding out about the pain meds.

I have to be honest, I feel better. I don't hurt has bad which makes life easier to deal with however mentally it is devastating. I know it is silly. I tell people all the time to do whatever it takes to make them feel better. Sadly I just didn't want to take my own advice.

Thanks for letting me vent. Love to you all