I wish I could say that the Holiday break and not going to school was a blast. But unfortunately I can't. I love that my mom moved here before Christmas and now that she lives 15 minutes away from us (rather than the usual 6 hours). She came mainly so she could help Kc as much she can. All of us were hoping for a better Christmas than last year (when kc was in the hospital for 2 months) and it was better, but she was having chest pain that whole week everyday and was blacking out a lot. Of course with Kc feeling like this my dad doesn't want her going to my mom's house. this upsets my mom and also when Kc is like that I want to try to help her and comfort her. so I tried to stay with Kc and my mom didn't like that either. She isnít mad at me but she has been really stressed lately about Kc being sick and all. I feel like the past year has been building up a lot of stress in all of us and it seems as though my mom and dad are ready to explode.
when my mom moved near us she expected us to spend all the time with her and wanted to be able to watch after Kc everyday so she isn't alone in the house like she usually was. But my dad just started working at home right before my mom moved in the area so she doesn't have an excuse to pick up kc every day so that made her upset. And she is also stressed about finding a house ( right now they are in corporate housing) to rent or buy, while at the same time having to pay for the house they just moved out of. I feel really bad about not being able to spend that much time during the holiday with my mom but I feel worse about leaving Kc at the house and want to try to take care of her. She told me that she thought something was wrong with me, that I was being distant since they moved and that I wasn't talking to them as much. I wasn't sure what was wrong myself. And she is worried that I'm not talking to anyone about whatís going on, which I guess Iím not really talking to anyone for a while but I felt fine for the past 3 weeks or so.
Another thing, my sister Kaitlyn decided to move in with my mom and I know my dad is mad about that. And with kc feeling sick and having seizures has stressed him out too. And my other sister Sam came back from college for the holiday and was spending most of the time at friends' houses and we didn't see her too much. That I feel like was stressing my dad out too. I'm not sure what has been wrong with him lately, because it seems that when kc says or shows that she isnít feeling good or is having chest pain he freaks out and tries to take her to the emergency room and yells at her. Then Kc starts to cry because he is yelling at her and he yells at her asking why she's crying normally like this, "What?! is it hurting that bad already? Whatís wrong with you kc?" and then kc mumbles an answer saying no or I'm fine trying to get him to leave her alone and then dad always acts like she is such a burden to him right in front of her and I know it hurts her to see him like that. That's why she always apologizes when she is having pain, she thinks we are just stressing her out and taking up our time. And she doesn't need to apologize and has to realize that we are here to help and support her through times like those.
Since Kaitlyn moved in with my mom, my mom has not been happy with her. She stays up all night and leaves a mess wherever she goes, and has to argue about everything and is cause my Mom a lot of more unnecessary stress. Everything from this whole past year has really started impact some people as I have noticed... It seems like everyone is starting to go nuts in my family. My mom gets mad over small things and is mad for a long time. Oh and my Step mom came up with the idea that they should emit Kc into psychiatric care, and my mom thinks she just needs to go to a psychiatrist, and I agree with mom. I don't think Kc needs to go to a mental hospital at all, and know she would hate that if she was sent there. I don't want her to go there, and I don't think that she will though... well hopefully.
As for me, I have been having a lot of difficulty trying to just get through a simple school day. I don't know why school seemed to get so much harder. I find myself not really learning anything during class and forgetting to bring home homework and forgetting to complete it. and I have been doing terrible on tests, I don't know if I just zone out when I'm taking it or something but an F on a test is really bad, and I have gotten multiple F's recently. I'm so frustrated having school and my family. I think my teachers are worried for me, well that or they just think I'm not trying at all. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. But I have been trying to study and remember homework and when tests are but for some reason I'm just unable to barely function during school. I always have a headache, and never really seem to want to talk to anyone, not sure why. I did really bad on a project I had to present to the class and by the looks on the class's faces I messed up really bad, and I'm still embarrassed about that stupid project. and for some reason, I just decided not to take a test when I was supposed to, don't know why... I don't know what was going through my mind that made me not turn in the test and accept a zero on it. I regret it but still don't know why I did it. It was a fifty point math test and I accepted a zero. How does that seem at all smart. I guess I'm just not smart maybe, or just not intelligent enough to figure out a simple math problem, or just in general for anything.
And you guys know (from a previous post) that I play clarinet in the marching band and I'm in the wind symphony which is a class in school. I used to LOVE it but when since the band season started and until it ended I hated it. Maybe it was because it was my first year without my sisters being in it with me, and a combination of the senior class not being there, or my sister moving out to college in Ohio. Marching band just seemed so bland this year. And so is wind symphony. I lost all interest in playing an instrument for no particular reason. And Pit orchestra is starting up just next week (I can choose to help play in the pit for the musical our high school does each year...well a different one each year but we have one every year) and I know I should join, but I keep resisting to join it. I don't know why everything that was easy or enjoyed has just become a chore to me now.
I'm worried about my parents and all five of my sisters and everything. And everyday I wish that I could just go back when kc wasn't sick, and I'm sure everyone else does the same in my family. Although if there was anything I could do to cure lupus I would. I hate this disease and feel bad that other people have lupus and their families are probably going through similar things like mine. I want it all to go away. I want to be able to come home from school and not see Kc on the couch vomiting or in pain. I hate going from school to seeing kc like that, then not being able to sleep and then more school after 2 hours of sleep. It seems like this will never end. the one week of holiday break even seemed like a month. I obviously don't know how to manage stress and at this point I honestly think that it wouldn't be a terrible idea for anyone in this house to go see a psychiatrist. But my dad and step mom are against the idea of a psychiatrist, thought they want to send kc to a mental hospital?! I don't understand anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. My mom doesn't know what to do anymore. Kc or dad doesn't either.
About the only thing I can think of is that Kc is going to a physical therapist to build up her strength, but even then she keeps cancelling appointments, or not going to them because she says she doesn't feel good. At this point, we have done just about everything we can to help her, now she needs to take responsibility and help her self other wise she will never improve her own health. I just want to take her lupus from her. maybe I could have gotten instead of her. I would've wanted that instead. Thanks for getting through this, sorry about ranting a lot but I just really needed to vent otherwise I will go more insane than I already am. If anyone could help me, I would greatly appreciate it. =)