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Thread: unsupportive husband

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    Default unsupportive husband

    Hi all! I'm Lisa I'm not diagnosed yet..but I have my appointment next week. How do you deal with an unsupportive husband? I have extreme fatigue. I also work 9 hrs a day. At the end of the day all I want is my bed! Most of the time hubby will do dinner but sometimes I do that too. He gets mad and calls me lazy when I go lay down after dinner, he don't understand why I'm so tired and I can't explain it to him. When I tell him I'm in pain he just thinks I'm being a baby and says you never feel good. I'm so tired of feeling like this I want him to understand its beyond my control!

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    Hi Lisa! I am sorry you're feeling cruddy and your husband is not being supportive. Illness is almost never just a matter of one person's pain - it affects whole families. Hopefully he can come around to understand it's not him vs. you, it's him AND you vs. whatever is making you feel so crummy.

    Feeling tired all the time is probably just as frustrating to you as it is to him. It's okay if you both get mad at it.

    Sometimes diagnosing what's wrong can take a long time...these things are a bit of a mystery to figure out - but one of the benefits of a careful diagnosis is that it gives things a NAME, and somehow once that's done, you feel a bit more like a TEAM because you both know what it is you're fighting. Identifying, understanding, and learning to live with an illness is a long process for a family, so try to be patient with each other and with how things unfold. I am sure neither of you asked for this. It can be a real test of a relationship.

    Hopefully you can find a doc who would be willing to maybe include your husband in some discussions so he can better understand what's going on in your body. Sometimes that "official" medical third-party explanation can go a long way toward smoothing the path to understanding.

    Best of luck to you both with things....

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    Introduce him to the spoon theory. Take him to the doctor appointments with you. Share this site with him. Ask your doctor for literature to share with your hubby. Send him to the Lupus foundation website and tell him to read, read, read. Praise his help. Ignore his negativity. Remember that YOU are important and if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. NEVER feel guilty about putting yourself first. This is a new journey for both of you. One that changes any previous course you may have set. Set him down, look him in the eyes and lay down the law: either he is in 100% or not at all. He said the wedding vows (I'm taking a shot that you had the average Christian like ceremony) so now it is time to live up to them. And never, never, NEVER forget that you are extremely important. YOU are your best advocate. Good luck, hugs, prayers and remember your wehavelupus family is always here for you. We are a wonderful group of lupusninjas always here for you in good times and bad.
    "I'm going to get healthy or die trying"

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    Lisa,
    I second what Rita said so awesomely!
    Hugs,
    Marla

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    Lisa,

    I absolutely agreed with ruziska also!

    Good luck! *Hugs*

    Blessings, Love & Aloha,
    Ty
    "Kindness is just love with its work boots on"...

    "No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child." Abraham Lincoln

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    Hi Lisa,

    I also agree with the two ladies, who gave you great advise.
    BUT, I have to say, that every time I read about uncaring spouses ( there are way to many of them), it makes me very angry. Because we know, if the shoe was on the other foot, he would expect you to support him, right?
    I thank my husband all the time, for being supportive, loving, understanding and helpful. His answer always is " that is what a real man does, for the woman he loves".
    Hopefully your husband will change his tune, once you have a diagnosis.

    Debbie
    I may have been dealt a bad hand, but at least I'm still playing with a full deck. ( most of the time anyway).

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    hi lisa,
    i am a male....
    and i have lupus.

    i have a loving caring wife.
    but i do understand why some people have a hard time understanding.

    for most people......
    you get sick......
    you take medication......
    you get better !!!!!

    for us it does not work like that.
    so some people do not understand.
    if they have not been taught about prolonged pain, or illness.......
    they are not capable of understanding the problem.
    it is outside of there terms of reference.
    it is beyond there beliefs.

    they need to be taught how to understand.

    i know about this because ..........
    i was one of them.
    now i am a believer,
    because i feel the pain everyday.

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    Another thing about men is that they feel the need to "fix" things. They want to be able to do something and have it done with.
    I think that some guys have a hard time dealing with the frustration of not being able to "fix it".
    My hubby is an engineer, so he really feels the need to "fix" it.
    The way that he copes is by doing a lot of research, looking for a cure. It's nice, because he's always sending me links to sites about new research, which I often pass along here.
    Like Debbie, I thank him for being supportive and loving, and I try to reassure him when I can see that he is frustrated that he can't do more to help me.
    Relationships can be tricky, and when one partner is sick, things can be even trickier.
    Even when we don't feel well, we have to remember that our partner has feelings about it, too.

    I wish you all love and understanding.
    Hugs,
    Marla

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    Quote Originally Posted by debbie-b View Post
    Hi Lisa,

    I also agree with the two ladies, who gave you great advise.
    BUT, I have to say, that every time I read about uncaring spouses ( there are way to many of them), it makes me very angry. Because we know, if the shoe was on the other foot, he would expect you to support him, right?
    I thank my husband all the time, for being supportive, loving, understanding and helpful. His answer always is " that is what a real man does, for the woman he loves".
    Hopefully your husband will change his tune, once you have a diagnosis.

    Debbie
    Debbie,

    I know what you mean, it makes me angry too. My former fiancee back in Arizona was hurt in a workplace accident and was in pretty tough shape for the better part of 6 months. I gave her my unconditional love and support 100%. Whatever I could do to help and support her, I did. She made a full recovery. She would talk about how I was her "rock" during this difficult time, about how she couldn't have done it without me.

    When I got the SLE diagnosis, I was in pretty rough shape, as I had just started on plaq and pred, and the disease activity was far from being under control. The shoe was now on the other foot. After a few weeks of listening to her complain about how hard my disease was on her, she left me. She said that she needed a man in her life who had a future, not some guy who will probably be dead in a couple of years. She actually, really, said that to me. Six years together, just thrown away like it was nothing. For the longest time, I was consumed with anger and pain over this. Now, if I even bother to think of her at all, all I feel is pity.

    The lady in my life now, Karen, is blessed with a sense of empathy and caring for others that never ceases to amaze and inspire me. She has been there for me through every flare, every ER visit, every sleepless night without fail. If and when the shoe is on the other foot, come hell or high water, I will be there for her.

    I can't understand why being supportive comes so easily for some people, while for others it's so incredibly difficult or impossible to do.

    Anyway, I'm just rambling.

    Rob
    Last edited by rob; 01-06-2012 at 07:39 AM.

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    I know this is a sexist thing to say but I have a wonderful husband, caring, sharing, and doing so much for me. But from time to time he also forgets about my limitations and I have to remind him. It is just that he has so much on his mind trying to make my life easier he sometimes gets wond up in the action rather than the feelings. Onside ration of my capacity. We all are only human and I know he always has my best interest at the time but yes he is still a male. Sorry Steve and Rob etc for the pun but that is how I try to consider how one min my dear hubby can get it so right then the next so wrong. Being tolerant is half the situation we both Have with each other. And also I found that it was quite easy for my DH to be some what scared of the I entire situation so understanding that helps me to work with him to get the best out of life for both of us.
    Last edited by Desleywr; 01-07-2012 at 03:21 AM.
    Desley
    For every dark cloud there is a silver lining!
    Diagnosed: Lupus; mesenteric panniculitis; fat nacrosis;

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