AARGH! Just. . .AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I had gone through all the emotions that this newly diagnosed chronic and debilitating illness was going to bring. I was actually kinda proud that I let myself feel everything; the anger, the sadness, the sense of loss, the fright. And the good stuff too; the relief of a dx, the new chance, all the wonderful people here.
Well, last night I was slapped across the face by an emotion I'm suprised I never saw coming: hot, red, seething anger. The kind that makes you sweat. The kind that pushes everything but hate right out of your bleary head.
Now that I'm writing this it seems ridiculous, the reason for my raging anger. Tomorrow night Ben Folds is gunna be in concert an hour away from my house, and I can't go, and it's all this stupid sickness's fault, and I feel utter hate about my situation for the first time. I've been mad about it before, but now it's a burning hate that I haven't felt since puberty, when sudden flashes of redness would send me running to my room and slamming the door.
I may have been able to go a week ago. I might have been able to go if it was happening 2 months from now. But right now my body's way out of control. And the show is outdoors and it's gunna be 99 degrees in the shade, only there won't be shade. And I know that if I went I would suffer hardcore, and probably end up hospitalized. And even though I know all this, a huge part of me wants to just go anyway. I wanna see Ben! It would be my sixth Ben show, and every one is better than the last.
I can't believe that this is the thing that pushed me over the edge. Somebody PLEASE tell me you've had a similar reaction. What, so far, has been the biggest, dumbest thing that's set you off?
Good grief, I feel like a toddler stomping my feet and shaking my clentched fists at the evil parent who wouldn't let me play with the loaded gun.