I've never taken care of me
Growing up I had pets. Lots of pets of all kinds to take care of. I also, in my own child's way, took care of my mother who married an abuser (my father). I grew up and married a man who was a product of an over bearing father. A man who was a product of young lust and back in the day, you got married. Hubby was never treated well because of it, as if it was his fault. I married a man who is emotionally needy and living what he had learned, is over bearing himself. We have 2 children, now adults. Youngest is 18 and is working through some not so smart life choices. I'm trying to guide her back on track but yet, keep a distance and not do it for her so that she may learn and grow, not depend on me to take care of everything. I'm back to taking care of my mother. Dad died in 2004, Mom moved out to Montana and lives around the corner. Up until recently she was handling her finances just fine, but really doesn't know what she is doing , throw in a bank that is less than customer service oriented and I now have a mess to straighten out and have totally taken over Mom's finances. I'm moving her to a different bank and starting in August, should be easy to deal with as the mess will be behind us and I'll have a system in place to deal with her money and keep her on the positive side.
I've always taken care of someone else. I've always put someone else's needs and wants above my own. Lupus is screaming for my attention. Lupus is demanding I focus on me. Lupus needs to shut up and go away but it won't. Neither will my husband's neediness and over bearing attitude. Neither will my over powering mothering instincts, nor will my must to take care of my mother (only child here, no siblings to help me). On top of everything, I need to get another job and am looking and applying all that I can. Soon, I'll be completely dependent on husband for $ and that is NOT a good thing.
I've never taken care of me. Oh, I've grabbed moments here and there like getting my haircut (big whoo hoo), sat and read an entire chapter in a book that wasn't a how to manual but I've never been anywhere near the top of my list of priorities. Husband has a nasty habit of telling me I need to get my priorities in order. Once I retorted that I did and that I was putting my first. His response was "that's not what I meant". Of course it wasn't because it wasn't about him. He dislocated his shoulder the first friday in June. He's healing amazingly well and fast. HOWEVER, to hear him talk about it, you'd think it was the catastrophic event of the decade. Oh please! Spend a day as a lupie and let's compare notes, I'll show HIM catastrophic! Oh the pain! He needs an ibuprofen. IBUPROFEN?!? Amateur! Anyhow, I know God is moving my life around lately and I'm trying to listen to Him. I know major changes need to and are taking place in my life and I know I need to take care of ME. I just have no idea how or when that is going to happen.
Thanks for letting have a pity party.
"I'm going to get healthy or die trying"