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Thread: How can I get hubby to understand?

  1. #11
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    ...and try to remember that we teach others how to treat us.

    If someone treats you badly and you accept it, you are giving that person permission to continue to treat you badly

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by leslieann226 View Post
    ...and try to remember that we teach others how to treat us.

    If someone treats you badly and you accept it, you are giving that person permission to continue to treat you badly
    Hi Leslieann,

    This is what i was trying to state in my comment...some partners just don't want to open their eyes and my first hubby was so cruel i could'nt live with it but i'm blessed now with my 2nd hubby seeing the specialist with me.

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  5. #13
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    Grrr! You may not be angry about this but I sure am. He's being such a butt!!!
    I wish he could experience what you do for even a week, and THEN he'd see! RAHR.
    Anyways, he was definitely right about one thing. Sites like this DO let you think its okay to be the way you are- because it is! It's better than okay, it's amazing that you are still you with all the struggles that you go through, things he couldn't even comprehend. So keep being you, because it's more than okay, it's FABULOUS.

    Sometimes there really isn't anything that you can do to make him understand, but I would definitely have him go with you to your doctor or rheumatologist, and have them tell him just how serious it really is. Someone whose opinion he trusts and respects needs to tell him just how it is.

    It could be that he's just frustrated and taking it out in bad ways. He kind of seems like a sullen kid watching his sister get to eat ice cream because she got her tonsils out, and he can't see how much pain she's in from that, all he knows is that HE wants HIS icecream, and it's NOT FAIR!

    But honestly now, we all know that it's hard for our partners and the people around us to understand. It may be that he's sad or missing the "old you", from when you used to be more active, and possibly, more happy.

    Maybe you should make him set up an account and check out the group for loved ones, so that we can try to help him understand how real it is, but also try to get him to feel supported as well. I promise I won't even call him a dummyhead!

    The good news is, even if he doesn't understand, it's never your fault, and you will always have everyone here to talk to and support you - people who can understand you and appreciate you for you

    (Quick note: I hope you're not offended by my saying things like that he's a butt or a dummyhead, it just annoys me that you [or anyone else on here] have to deal with that, i'm sure he's not really a dummyhead, like I said, i just wish he would understand)

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  7. #14
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    Lol, s'ok, he's definitely a dummyhead at times! and yes, sometimes I feel like whacking him upside his head! but there are times when he tries, like when he'll spend a sunday morning cleaning the kitchen, then bring me in some brekkie to wake me early afternoon. he just can't get it. He is the oldest of 5 VERY active kids, I'm talking state ballerina, soccer player, army, footballer, very active family. When we met, I was using a stick sometimes because of the RA, but I was also an active single mum working full-time running my own freelance editing business, and was 20k lighter. He definitely misses the old me, shit, I do!
    I will take your advice and bring him along to my Rheumy app, I think a new, authoritive voice might help.
    I spoke with him some last night, found the letter 'Understanding Chronic Pain' http://healthyasyouage.com/dealing-w...onic-pain.html for some reason this seemed to work better than the spoon theory (less abstract perhaps ;P ). He said it helped him understand a bit better, and that every day he understands a little more. So there is hope, but meanwhile, I am prompted to go for disability and establish some self-sufficiency. I don't want to throw away ten yrs, but I also don't want to have to explain myself forever.
    Thanks again guys for all your comments, I appreciate the time (and spoons) given. I really am so glad I found you guys. aww, c'mon.... {[[group hug]]}
    Sonja
    Last edited by sonmak; 07-04-2011 at 06:29 PM. Reason: spelling, lil gramma, ...brain fog! lol

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  9. #15
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    Good replies everyone! Sonmak, you are going in the right direction. Looking for ways to educate him, but also preparing for your future preservation. You never know when he will get too angry about that icecream you are eating. (grin) I have been abused and treated poorly by men most of my life. My mother used to say, "Your biggest mistake is you are too nice and let men crap all over you." It was true. Now I am very independent and have been for almost 6 yrs. My poor boyfriend jump through hoops to win my heart. I am now extremely tentative. Be strong and gosh I hope you soon get pneumonia some meds, you poor girl. (((hugs))

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    Quote Originally Posted by sonmak View Post
    I spoke with him some last night, found the letter 'Understanding Chronic Pain' http://healthyasyouage.com/dealing-w...onic-pain.html for some reason this seemed to work better than the spoon theory (less abstract perhaps ;P ).
    Sonja

    thank you sonja,
    i had not seen this before.
    i also found it easier to understand.

  11. #17
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    Sometimes there really isn't anything that you can do to make him understand, but I would definitely have him go with you to your doctor or rheumatologist, and have them tell him just how serious it really is. Someone whose opinion he trusts and respects needs to tell him just how it is.

    Elo, this is what i stated earlier he needs a good wake up call...to make him understand how seriously ill she is.

  12. #18
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    Hi Sonja,
    I haven't welcomed you to WHL before - I'm glad you found us.
    It is a good idea to take your hubby with you to your next appointment. It might open his eyes, especially if you have a supportive rheumy.
    My hubby has a few degrees in science, so he does a lot of research about my issues, and worries a lot, but often doesn't let me in on his worries.
    He recently mentioned something that we often say here - he said that he wished that my docs could trade places with me for a day.
    I love that he is concerned, but one of his concerns bugs me. He worries that I don't get cardiovascular exercise because he worries about my heart.
    I know that this is important, but it is really hard for me to get my heart rate up. It irritates me sometimes when he gently reminds me about it!
    I hope that your hubby can get to the point mine is at. Perhaps you could ask him to do some research for you? If he finds the info for himself, he might "own" it and believe it.
    Hugs,
    Marla

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  14. #19
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    i am sorry you are going through this i agree with some of the otheres take your husband to rheumi appointment or to a lupus support group if you have one near you i do not have this problem with my husband he is great but i do with other relatives i get comments such as you just need to suck it up or get more exercise or ignore the tiredness or you are just lazy but i decided just to let there opinions just be that opinions and ignore them. hope things get better soon hugs kim l

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