Thank you BonusMom for writing to me. Grief is so individualized, there is no right way or wrong way. What your Mom is feeling could be all of what you asked. I have been reading a book called On Grief and Grieving. I know what I thought was abnormal, really is normal. If your Mom does feel relief, it isn't because she didn't love him..it could be she can do the things she wanted to do. Or if it was an anticipated passing, she may have come to terms with grief while your Dad was still here...so many reasons. No more suffering... Grief is so complex. Ask her..I think she would tell you.....talking about death is a lesson in life we should learn about before it happens. Then I think people would not feel so awkward grieving or consoling another person....
My heart feels empathy for your colleague....it is so hard to grieve and live, if you know what I mean. Life goes on, it doesn't stop so you can grieve.
I am sorry you lost your Dad....how are you feeling about that.
Hello, and I don't know if you remember me....it's been a long time since I've been here, but I remember you and how you welcomed me and listened to me. You're post breaks my heart. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Life can be so cruel, but there are people who care who help to mend our hearts. This is a good place, this site. Come and share, you will be embraced, I'm sure. I hope that with time, you can heal. You will get through this....the human spirit is resilient and relentlessly hopeful, even in the face of despair. I wish you comfort and peace. I will pray for you. xoxo
Oh Oluwa, I'm sorry. I was trying to be supportive of you, pointing out that people grieve differently and I failed.
Originally Posted by Oluwa
Hi, you don't know me, I've only been here a year. I've read this several times, trying to think if I could answer. My situation is different; a new life after a divorce is still a lost (to me atleast). You can do it. We find an inner strength that we didn't know we had. I struggled with the "WHY" also. I used physical energy; I had the cleanest house, I got a new job and focused on moving forward.
I read how Bonusmom thinks she fail to convey her point to you. But she helped you to think of her, instead of your own grief. We move forward because that is Life. We trust in God's plan even when our faith is shaken.
nonna = Toni
I don't know if I expressed this clearly or not. Basically we all deal with grief in our own way; we have to work through it in our own way. You will too. It's just harder for you because you didn't see it coming.
dear oluwa i no there is not much i can say to take your pain away only that i will be here for you when ever you need to talk i have watched my mother go through different stages of grieving since my father died 5 years ago and know it can be hard i wish i could put my arms around you and say everything will be alright with my mother it is one day at a time but i will be praying and thinking of you love and hugs kim l
Oh Dear Oluwa
where do i start so much i want to say
firstly and most important to let you know we all love you and feel so honoured that it is you have felt comfortable enough to express how you feel!!
secondly i just wanted to let you know i do know something if not completely what you feel like i lost my dad 4 years ago in 8 days and 2 months in a car accident where he was hit head on by a drunk driver! and it is such a hard thing being so sudden not being able to say good bye not having time to wrap your head around it! i agree its agreat thing your going to a councellor i know it help my step mum alot! thou it did take her along time to really express to us how she was truely feeling and able to cry and you know what it felt sad and hard being so far away from her as we live in uk and she lives in florida but it also felt good in a funny way a relief that she felt like we did! that we could relate had the one thing in common that noone else could feel ( i know being his wife must be harder i don't want you to think i am trying to beliitle your feeling x ) so please don't bottle up i think your be suprised in thier compassion and how much it helps!!
we also found and still find constantly talking about memories of thing we did and what he would do in certain circumstances helps lots!! i recently got engaged and when my dad first died i was devstated thinking he would never see me maarry walk me up the isle or see me having his grandkids ( specially as my bro and sis have both had kids! ) but now i relise he will see all this he's always with me, his actually able to be with more now then ever before!
i really hope all i have said helps lots and lots and lots of virtual cyuber over the pond hugs xxxxx
I'm so glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor. I know it's not easy to talk about your plans and dreams or to live with this grief and loss but I am happy to hear you aren't trying to do all this alone. I'm also glad you have your little dog to help you get out of the house a little bit each day too. The fresh air is good for the soul. Breathe it in deep and know that we are all here loving for and praying with you.
PS-How is your MIL? I know you and she were very close. I remember the story you wrote about how she gave you the name Oluwa and thought at the time that she sounded like a strong, graceful woman who so deeply loves you and her son.
hello my friend,
so happy to see that you found your way back to your whl family. you know that we are all here for you to say what you need to say.....anything - anytime. We can't tell you how to get down this difficult path, but, we can be here to hold your hand while you find your way.
Like Rob said, just dip your toe in the water, or get your whole foot wet....you choose which is best for you, and we will be here supporting your every move.
love ya, sweetie...think of you every day.
BonusMom.....silly you, hugs....you did not fail....why would you think that? I think I understood, that grieving can be a long process, different for all but you can come out of it and be strong too and smile even if it is months later like your colleague. Even though I am grieving I can still comfort and console others, as with you, your Dad. And give ideas.... Comforting another helps us with our own discomfort. I've always said that with Lupus....So, don't feel bad...or apologize, no need to. Head hugs...
I have read this thread several times over the last couple of days and for once I am at a loss for words. There is nothing I can say to make this easier or end sooner. All I can give you is my support and shoulder if you ever need it. The first year will be the hardest. All the "firsts" will happen then. The first missed birthday. The first Christmas and the "first" of whatever memories you have together. I wish I could snap my fingers and make all the pain go away or even tell you that you will be over soon. I can't. It takes time. Time that tears at your heart a little each day but one day... one day you will be doing something that you enjoy and you will realize that you didn't hurt for x amount of time. Then another day you will have a memory that makes you laugh and warms your heart and you will catch your breath because the smile on your face was real and the joy outweighed the pain for that moment. It is then that you will know that you have begun the journey to healing. There is no right or wrong length of time. It is as individual as we are. It will happen in your time and when your heart and brain say it is. My wish for you is that those moments happen sooner than later and that, until then, you have people you love and care about that will allow you to cry on their shoulders or posts in their forums (smiles).