Just diagnosed...difficulty accepting
A couple of days ago I poste a response to Deana under her thread (really bummed...) I definitely feel that way. To make it easier on everyone (including me, who is very tired this morning and having difficulty with typing!) I am going to copy and paste that message and then add a bit.
"This is very difficult for me because I haven't been able to completely accept it. I was basically on the specialist merry-go-round for a year when I was finally sent to a Rheumatologist. I had all these symptoms, but no one could find anything. I was constantly fatigued, headaches, body aches, major chest pain and shortness of breath, leightheaded, hair falling out, sores, easy bruising. And no one could find anything. I started feeling as if they all thought it was in my head. the only thing that really would come up was a rapid heart rate. Finally my pcp decided to just run a bunch of blood tests and my ANA came back positive. she sent me to a rheumatologist and he did the test over and and it came back higher, yet he thought it was only fibromyalgia but that Lupus could also be it. well, three months later, things were just as bad, or even worse so he put me anti- inflammatories, which weren't helping much. I ened up in the emergency room which finally prompted a diagnosis and now I am taking Plaquenil. But, like Isaid, it is still something difficult for me to accept and I just rebelled against it. I didn't take care of myself, I had very little appetite and skipped some doses. Bad idea. I was in the emergency room again, but they made me feel as if I was just imagining how bad I felt. That night I just broke down and cried. I am very depressed, i feel as if it is not fair and that no one understands, except those who are going through it as well. Some of my friends who know about Lupus, or think they do, just dismiss it, saying things like be thankful it's not cancer. that people with it can still live long normal lives, that it could be worse. And I understand that, but it is insensitive. I know Lupus is an unpredictable illness and you never know when something can happen, even if you are taking care of yourself. and aside from it being so awful physically, it impacts you emotionally. I mean, how can someone be expected to accept and come to terms with having a chronic illness that easily? It just feels so surreal to me. I can say I have it, but it's a foreign concept to me still. I can take all my medication at the right time, and still I feel as if it is not happening to me. I have felt so alone in this, although I know I am not the only one. So, I am hoping the discovery of this forum will help me through this."
Well, last night made things a little worse. I had met this fabulous guy, who seemed so accepting, took care of me in the emergency room, etc. in a nutshell, he was perfect. But I was afraid to get involved with anyone frankly because I am sick. I just felt it wasn't fair and also that in the end they wouldn't be able to handle it. well, lo and behold last night he tells me it has been way too stressful and that I am as high maintenance as his last girlfriend, which was the cause of their relationship to end. But that I have a good reason for being such, yet he feels I was this way before getting sick. well, I guess I am, emotionally at least. But I was up front with him from the beginning. i told him what he was getting into. And after all that, he stayed the night. And we agreed to take it one day at a time. Well, it can be done that way, but knowing how it is affecting him makes me feel even more certain that he or anyone else for that matter, doesn't need to deal with me or what I am going through.
I honestly thought he was the one and now I don't know anymore.
I am so depressed and in need of some support and care.
Does anyone know a good Psychotherapist in DC?
Love, hugs and kisses to all of you,
Things are just bad to worse
Well, Paul, "my guy", has decided that he has no time or energy for a relationship with me now. It's been about a week now. And what bothered me was that he chose to do it late at night when I was extremely exhausted after a long week at work and having some wonderful chest pains and shortness of breath. So, I am heartbroken. I didn't have the energy to respond to him then, and he knew I didn't. But when I tried talking to him afterwards, he essentially ignored my calls and couldn't even be there for me. In the end I ended up talking to his voicemail and calling him a coward for not being able to face me and allow me to say what I need to say to his face.
I am distraught and then you add work issues to the mix (not enough understanding there either), I am a mess physically as well. I am not sleeping much, my appetite is so bad that I've lost about 5 pounds in the last week (for someone who weighs 110 lbs, that's quite a bit), my chest pain and shortness of breath are so bad that I have wanted to go to the ER a few nights already, but I hate going to the ER because I feel like I might be wasting their time. So, instead I take motrin every few hours to try and control the pain.
I am so worn out emotionally and physically and I am just dragging through the day. And since I can't really afford to lose my job, here I sit, feeling awful and just praying I survive the day without fainting or anything.
And there you go, my venting for the day