I need to repent
Someone asked me today if we go to our pastors and tell them that we sinned. I replied, NO, but we should. I need to repent because I am feeling kind of weepy and I am trying very hard not to be nasty to my husband. He irks me sometimes and I am not in the mood to talk, look at, or be in the same room with him. Literally, I was gone all day for two reasons: 1 was to help my friend paint, and 2 was to get away from my husband. I know that if my husband passes away before me, I will regret feeling this way towards him, but right now he is irking my very soul. I work. He doesn't. Yes, he cooks and has his nurse have the home clean when I get home, but I get tired of watching him play games on his cell phone, on his play station, and on my laptop. Every time I turn around he is playing a game. He doesn't even realize that he is addicted. When I come home from work, he asks for the laptop - not to do something important, but to play games. I have had it. We have been married for 11 years and he is not getting any better with the game addiction. He tells me that he needs to unwind or "playing games is an outlet for me". OUTLET! He is home ALL DAY. NO JOB. NO CHILDREN LIVING WITH US. DOESN'T HAVE TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING. DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING (EXCEPT GETTING A RAMP FOR THIS NEW PLACE WE MOVED INTO). HE EXPECTS ME TO DO AND REMEMBER EVERYTHING FOR HIM. IF HE DOESN'T WORK, WHY DO I HAVE TO REMEMBER THINGS FOR HIM? IF HE DOESN'T WORK, WHY CANT HE JUST ACT LIKE HE CARES AND DO MORE FOR ME EMOTIONALLY. We don't have a real relationship anyway. He is strange and will probably say the same thing about me. WHATEVER!!!!! I am strange, but I am a woman and I just want to be loved or at least feel lke I am loved. I feel like my husband wants me to baby him and have everyting right for him. I can't and won't. I have LUPUS (that's obvious). I get tired, stressed out, weary, angry, resentful, etc, but GOD knows that I am truly working on it. I forgive him and then he goes and does the dumb stuff again. I guess that's what I do to GOD. HE forgives me and then I mess up again. I repent GOD. I have been a bad, horrible daughter. I have hurt my husband again because he has hurt me again. I repent GOD because I really feel like I want a divorce from the man that I promised to love and cherish. I repent GOD because I mostly think my way is the right way and that my husband is always wrong. I repent GOD because I believe my husband loves his "outlets" more than he loves me, the woman he promiosed to love and cherish. HELP ME GOD. IT'S THERESA. ARE YOU THERE? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I AM CRYING OUT TO YOU AND I NEED AN ANSWER FROM YOU QUICKLY. MY SOUL IS CRYING OUT BECAUSE I NEED FORGIVENESS FROM YOU AND I NEED TO BE CLEAN. HELP ME GOD. I SAID I ASKED OTHERS TO FORGIVE ME FOR THE WRONG I HAVE CAUSED THEM. NOW I NEED TO ASK YOU, FATHER GOD TO FORGIVE ME BECAUSE I HAVE DONE YOU WRONG AND I NEED TO GET BACK INTO RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU - JEHOVAH GOD. YAHWEH! ALMIGHTY GOD. EVERLASTING FATHER! HELP ME GOD!!
Please note that I am not writing this for sympathy or empathy from anyone. I just needed to tell on myself and be accountable for my sin and rebellion against GOD. I am not contemplating suicide or hurting myself or my husband in any manner. I do love him. I am just a little tired of the foolishness from him and from myself.
Having said that, I thank you, whoever you are, for reading this post and praying sincerely for my soul's salvation. I love GOD and I know HE loves me. I am in the fire so that I can come out as pure GOLD for GOD.
I just want you to know that I am praying for you, and that I hope your situation at home improves. It is completely understandable that you are frustrated!! Its hard enough to be sick and take care of our responsibilities, but to have to take care of someone else as well...that seems like an enormous responsibility to me...
If you ever want to talk - Im here to listen and you can PM me any time...My email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like to email me. Im available to just listen..not judge....
Praying for your peace..
Hi Theresa...just popping in to also add my prayers. I think you have every right to feel the way you do towards him. ((((Hugs))))
There is so much I want to say to you... but first I wish I could reach through this computer and hug you and cry with you and scream with you. I feel the weight you are carrying... it's too much, my friend. Blaming yourself will do no good, what's done is done. Learning from the past is your best chance for coming out of this. I love the quote you have above from Wayne Dyer... but, how about the one I love... " Be the change you want to see in the world " - Ghandi. It sounds to me like your husband doesn't see what his behavior is doing to you and your marriage... maybe you need to show him how to change. If you focus on your faith... on yourself, what makes you happy, your gifts and strengths... all the while praying for him... letting him know that you are praying for him... I believe the results will be much more powerful. You are a very devoted God fearing woman... rely on that faith. Pray for God to guide your husband on the right path... then stand out of the way.
I will pray for you...
Will you pray for me?
First, let me say that I am so glad that you felt safe enough to open your heart to GOD here.
Now, you have every right to feel each and every emotion that you are feeling. Being completely honest about what you are feeling, then admitting to them openly, then asking for forgiveness is a sign of true faith. What you have done is brave and honest and you have opened yourself up to receive GOD's love and forgiveness.
You were forgiven before you even asked! It is now your turn to forgive yourself. Every person is flawed, none of us are perfect. Each and every one of us has harbored ill thoughts. We do this because we are human beings. But, not many of us are as brave and insightful as you are. Therefore, not many of us are able or willing to admit our shortcomings and our flaws. Not many of us are able or willing to reach out and ask for help as honestly as you have. GOD has forgiven you, now forgive yourself. Once you have done that, you will find that you are able to make choices and decisions that will be best for you (your emotional and physical well being).
We are here for you
Peace and Blessings
Saysusie. Has anyone ever told you that you are an angel?
Mrstjscott - I bet that felt good to get all of that out. I wish I could reach through the monitor and hug you.
Hang in there hun
Saysusie you answered her perfectly. God Bless you. Bonita
Bonita & Justomegirlindallas:
Thank you both so much :-). I only said what was in my heart!
Peace and Blessings
Hey there mrstjscott...
I've only been married now for just over 2.5 years now so I don't have too much experience yet...(so feel free to completely ignore me if you want to) :) My hubby is in school and working so he's pulling 12 hour days. When he is home he's on the pc doing homework so we're in the same room but he's not really there. So I kind of know what you going through.
Have you tried having a movie night and/or a board game night to get him off the computer games? We try to fit in some 'us' time when we can with things like that...
The hardest part now is forgiving yourself.. you have a RIGHT to feel upset and angry and frustrated and tired and other healthy emotions and you have chosen to deal with them in a HEALTHY manner so first of all I commend you for that. I agree with Mrs. Pony in regards to trying to schedule some "us" time whether it's going out to a movie or whatever interests you two have in common.
I am truly sorry to hear of the burden you carry in that relationship and I can tell you right now you're a survivor in so many ways. The courage it takes to stick it out for 11 yrs and the humility you must possess to be able to admit these feelings to us shows what a beautiful human being you are and God loves you. He is the only one you need- seek comfort in Him. I will keep you in my prayers.