AARGH! Just. . .AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I had gone through all the emotions that this newly diagnosed chronic and debilitating illness was going to bring. I was actually kinda proud that I let myself feel everything; the anger, the sadness, the sense of loss, the fright. And the good stuff too; the relief of a dx, the new chance, all the wonderful people here.
Well, last night I was slapped across the face by an emotion I'm suprised I never saw coming: hot, red, seething anger. The kind that makes you sweat. The kind that pushes everything but hate right out of your bleary head.
Now that I'm writing this it seems ridiculous, the reason for my raging anger. Tomorrow night Ben Folds is gunna be in concert an hour away from my house, and I can't go, and it's all this stupid sickness's fault, and I feel utter hate about my situation for the first time. I've been mad about it before, but now it's a burning hate that I haven't felt since puberty, when sudden flashes of redness would send me running to my room and slamming the door.
I may have been able to go a week ago. I might have been able to go if it was happening 2 months from now. But right now my body's way out of control. And the show is outdoors and it's gunna be 99 degrees in the shade, only there won't be shade. And I know that if I went I would suffer hardcore, and probably end up hospitalized. And even though I know all this, a huge part of me wants to just go anyway. I wanna see Ben! It would be my sixth Ben show, and every one is better than the last.
I can't believe that this is the thing that pushed me over the edge. Somebody PLEASE tell me you've had a similar reaction. What, so far, has been the biggest, dumbest thing that's set you off?
Good grief, I feel like a toddler stomping my feet and shaking my clentched fists at the evil parent who wouldn't let me play with the loaded gun.
There has been days when my husband has come home to find me throwing a temper tantrum. I'm 48 and technically too old to be throwing temper tantrums but SO WHAT?!?! He'll find me screaming and cursing and stomping around (oh how I pay for that later) and babbling incoherently and crying and sometimes throwing things... all because I am extremely upset (ok, mad as hell) that I have lupus. That, as if growing old isn't bad enough, growing old gracefully seems to be out of the question, now I have to deal with a body that wages war on itself. What sets me off? A song on the radio from back in the day when I was healthy. A sudden bad case of brain fog. Having trouble dressing myself or doing any number of tasks that most people don't even think about.
I can't and won't speak for the rest of the members of this forum, but I for one have NOT comes to terms with lupus. I didn't come to terms with the misdiagnosis of RA for 15 years so the odds of me coming to terms with lupus anytime soon...
Sorry I can't give you any helpful advice. Hopefully one of our "calmer" members can. Sorry.
Dude, no need to be sorry! That's exactly what I was looking for; someone to share my anger with. This thread is for being spitting mad, and while it sucks that you go through it, and it sucks that I go through it, it's kinda nice that we can be mad about going through it together. Stupid, stupud lupus!
Oh sweety you are not alone! You have heard it said time and time again that dealing with this death does, in many ways, copy the loss of someone you love. Because of that there are 5 (and sometimes said as 7) stages of grief and we have to go through them in order to get to the other side and find a way to enjoy our new life.
What are the stages of the loss process?
Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Bargaining
Stage 3: Anger
Stage 4: Despair
Stage 5: Acceptance
Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14...#ixzz1Rfoo1zCm
It is funny but I think most of us finally explode over something silly (or silly compared to many other things that we have gone through). We prepare for the big things. Loss of Job. Loss of income. Loss of insurance. Yes, we have our minds wrapped around those but who thinks to be prepared for a concert? At the very moment you figure out that you are going to miss something that you were not prepared for is the moment when everything comes flooding in. It is like the dam was opened and every emotion that you have pushed down and coped with comes rushing at you in an unstoppable wave and carries you with it.
You are OK and you are not alone in this. I went through it again just a couple of weeks ago because I found out that the family vacation that we have always taken won't happen again because my body couldn't handle it. Never big stuff. Just our stuff and it means that we are still alive and coping
i wont tell yuo of the silly things that set me off.
i will tell you the scariest.
i become so enraged, that all reason goes out the door.
i have been so enraged, i hit one of my stepsons.
he was 16 at the time, and had just had a driving accident.
he did not have his licence and was driving to show off to a girl.
he rolled the car and wrote it off.
both he and the girl were ok.
a week later i lost it and struck out.
this rage was so un me.
i was undiagnosed, but in a flare.
i could not stop it, or see it coming.
i lead a very stress free life now.
i can control this emotion by reducing stress.
hopefully you do not get this emotion,
it should have put me in jail.
it is uncontrollable, and it is lupus's fault.
i have had fear before, i have been shot at.
but i have never had this rage before.
I think i've yet to go through that. Sure, sometimes I get mad. I mean, I walk into the kitchen and stand there...and it's a mess. An absolute mess. There's dishes everywhere, and the stove has crumbs all over it, the counter is sticky and I need to mop the floor. But I'm tired. So tired. And that would involve actually standing up, not to mention moving. And all of a sudden, I just get so freaking PISSED. Like, GRRRRRR!!!! The kitchen is a mess and it's *expletive* pissing me the *expletive* off and *explety expletie expletive*
and it's not about the kitchen. It's about the fact that I can't do it.
But I haven't been diagnosed yet (besides being told I have an autoimmune disease), and I kinda haven't even gone through the really really harsh emotions for too long. to be honest, I think that's in part to my Anti-depressants i'm taking (I used to have panic attacks when the pain got really bad, so my doc put me on them). I think without them, I would be completely drowning. Even worse than I am now.
But anger is absolutely completely real and natural! You should be angry - you've had all this taken away from you and it's not fair. (Ehem, I'm not saying that you should be angry for the rest of your life and turn into a bitter old woman who yells at people who open the doors for her - just that it's a very legitimate reaction to be angry sometimes, especially right now.)
And to be fair... Ben Folds is pretty awesome.
Just last week after my biopsy I was so exhausted from poor sleep, pain, inability to eat due to nausea, and treated poorly by gyno. I asked my boyfriend to pick me up a bottle of wine to help me get through the pain and sleep. I haven't had a drink in a year and I don't have an addiction. He came back with gingerale. I lost it! I think I verbally castrated him. When I look back on the whole incident, it all came down to POWERLESSNESS. I never do well when I have no ability to control at least some part of the mess.
I hope I never act like that again, and I'll bet my boyfriend never takes it upon himself to decide what he thinks is best for me (giggle)!
a little drink before bed is the best medicine : )
I will be sure to show him this quote. Lol
Originally Posted by giggle
I get like this alot, and its not healthy. I'll scream at everyone I live with because I feel like complete sh*t. I get headaches a lot and have 3 little brothers. Enough said right? I already have a lot of anger problems and when Im sick everything gets blown up out of proportion. Im trying to get help with my anger.